I Figure That Liars Can't Figure

It is fortitudinous that I am with you today. I tripped on a dead body outside my door in The Old Folks' Home and almost busted my kiester. It was Lydia Halfgood. I don't know why they can't clean up the dead bodies around here. They're a downright hazard.

And if there's one more thing I can't stand (and there is), it's those buttwipes up at the federal level, like President Karl Rove and his dummy, W. Mortimore Snerdbush, who keep saying that Social Security is going to go bust. They be moanin' about future generations what ain't gonna have a pot to pee in. Meanwhile, I keep comin' up with ideas to save their bumble-dickin' ass. Why don't they listen?

1. I've writ about this before, but it's worth repeatin'. THE GOVERNMENT CANNOT GO BROKE. The feds own the U.S. Mint. It can print all the money anybody wants. Why the hell this solution isn't obvious is beyond Ol' Hoss.

2. If that don't satisfy the dildo-eatin' communist economists, there's another easy source of revenue. Think of this: Every time the Post Office prints a new stamp, millions of philatelists* buy some and tuck 'em in albums. These will never be used. It's just like printing money. And coins: The government is making these 50-state quarters. Numismatists* are squirreling these away like hard winter acorns. They will never be spent. There is billions of dollars of stamp and coin money already on hand. God, this stuff is simple.

3. And if that weren't enough, there is always my preferred solution: Make everybody work till they're a hunnert years old. This might seem cruel to some of you, but by God I'll do anything to protect my Social Security check.

* Hoss shows off with some more big words.

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Just wondering: Is it in Cannes, France, that all the restroom jokes are written?

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A while back, in an earlier piece, I advised how we was all going to get rich by taking over a bunch of these Assisted Living Facilities. I invited you to scratch some money together so's you could invest. One of the ideas I had for you to raise money was for you to sell your first-born child.

One of my buddies, Shane Wexford (who's in my Geriatric roll at left), got sorta miffed at me when I announced I had sold my idea to my buddy, Bill Gates, and wouldn't be needing any outside investments. Here's what Shane wrote to me:

"You might be glad to hear -- for it has averted a 'legal action' -- that in relation to the Hoss 'get rich' scheme, I was able to steal back my partner's kid, after I had eBayed him. Tracked him down, spirited him away. I left a credit note for the eBay buyers saying that he was damaged goods. This keeps me in the good books of my partner, who had started asking where the riches were."

I am real sorry about that. But, hell, if you had bought kruggerands when they first came out you wouldn't be in such sorry shape, financial-wise.

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Shit. I just heard a THUMP outside my door. I'll probably be trapped in here all day.