"....Makes Hoss a Dull Boy"

Yesterday I started telling you about one of the folks in The Old Folks' Home. It turned out to be me. Here is a synopsicum of what you missed if you didn't read yesterday's entry:

1. Hoss was behind the door when the brains were passed out.
2. He's a honky.
3. Losers are born, not made.
4. Something, something, something.
5. Something else.

Now that we're all caught up, here's some more stuff about Mr. Famous:

6. In high school I played the trombone in the school band. Then one day the band director said, "Hoss, you're the worst trombone player in the band, so we're switching you to tuba. It takes a lot of talent to be a bad tuba player." This was a good thing. My folks sold my trombone and sent me to Boy Scout camp.

7. I only had to play tuba during football season, because for the rest of the year I was an athaletic strap. I played basketball and participated in track. In college, I set the record in track for long jumping. It wasn't very far, but this school was noted more for brainiacs (like Mr. Mensa Hosstail) than athletiacs.

8. In college I joined a fraternity. My roommate taught me to smoke. Now, 55 years later, my doctor has taught me NOT to smoke. I am easily led.

9. I have been married a lot. I married my present wife twice, it worked out so bad the first time around. I have several children. They all know I am taking My Pile with me, so they generally ignore me. Which is fine because they got all these grandkids who are nothing but knee-biters and panty-poopers. But, just like you, they all love me.

10. I have had 15 different jobs (not counting juvenile delinquency and juvenile employment), all but one of which could have been a career post. The one that was sure to dead-end was as speechwriter for Oregon Gov. Tom McCall, since he was limited to two terms. He was a great environmentalist. He once described a smelly paper plant south of Salem, Oregon, as "a stinking cancer on the broad green bosom of the Willamette Valley." I didn't write that. I wasn't mean enough.

11. (Why stop when you're on a roll?) One of my juvenile jobs was as public address announcer for City League Softball. In those days it was common for the announcer to say who was at bat, who was on deck, and who was the third to bat -- the batter "in the hole." This traveling all-star team came through; they thought they were funny. So here were their first three batters, as announced by Young Hoss: "Now batting, White, with Crapp on deck and Glasscock in the hole." The adults in the audience booed when Hoss giggled.

+ + + + + + + +

There once was a writer named Hoss,
Who with words was not at a loss.
He proved right away
With the rhyme of the day,
Toss, gauss, moss, joss, sauce, and boss.

Burma Shave.