You Didn't Ask for This

Yesterday, my buddy down in St. Loo, Dave Morris, wrote about hisself in a clever way, telling his readers 10 things about his historical. It was downright entertaining. I mean, who wouldn't want to know that he is body-hair challenged? (You can link to his piece by tracking him down in Hoss's list at the left.)

Since I am an Old Fogey, living in an Old Fogeys' Home, my life is sure to be almost as interesting as Dave's. So I thought there'd be no harm if'n I did the same. (In fact, I KNOW you been slobberin' all over yourself waiting for me to spill these beans.)

1. I was born in a house in Bend, Oregon, on Oct. 1, 1930. That house is still standing. There is a plaque near the front door that says: "Nobody important was born here."

2. I am Caucasian, or "white bread." As far as I know, I've always been Caucasian.

3. When I was a young boy, living in Lumber Camp No. 2, my older brother and I each had a large metal airplane for a toy. My Dad drove his car over my brother's plane. In the resulting confusion, my brother convinced everbody that it was MY plane that was run over. I have been confused ever since.

4. On my first day of school in Bend, the teachers had us play "Dodge Tag." You start with one "Toucher" in the middle of the field, and everybody else would try to run past him. Kids who got touched were then "Touchers," and on an on. I figured out right away there was no way for a runner to win this game, so I went home. My teacher was not pleased.

5. In the fifth grade I was the only one in my class to get 100 percent in spelling every week. My biggest success was being the only one to spell, properly, the word "Febyooarry." Lots of people don't know it's got two R's in it.

Well, lookee here. I'm writin' me a treatist about myself. You prolly can only stomach so much of this at one sittin', so I'll continue tomorrow. And don't worry. Some of the stuff I got to say actually IS interesting. I might let you vote on which item it is.

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It's just human nature to want to help people out. You can get food to take out. A lot of guys want to help women out of their clothes. Gays want to get their partners "out." Curt Schilling wants to get Derek Jeter out. You want a hangnail to grow out, not in. I was 86'd once, which is a "throw out." But I never grew any butternut squash.