The History Buff Strikes Again

Feelgood Sockhanes joined me for breakfast in the You Call This Living? Home this morning, where we was having biscuits and pork belly gravy. This is not as good as fried sheep nuts, which is Rocky Mountain Oysters. Which got us to wondering whether fried dog nuts would be any good. That's the trouble with chefs today, those Emerils and all -- they don't think about branching out.

But that's not what was on Feelgood's mind. No, you see, Feelgood is the Revisionist History Freak. He is constantly efforting to make sure I have not bought into the standard history texts. He wants me to Know the Truth. And today he is imparting wisdom about Shakespeare.

Feelgood: "You up on your Willie the Shake plays, Hoss?"

Hoss: "Why, yes, Feelgood. Just this morning I was finishing up 'Two Gents From Veroner' before hauling out my Gutenberg version of 'The Taming of the Shrews, Mice and Voles.'"

Feelgood: "Howsomever, you prolly don't know the truth about Hamlet."

Hoss: "But you're going to tell me. I can hardly wait. I am bustin' the buttons right off my Dickies."

Feelgood: "So old Hamlet holds up this skull and crossbones and says, 'Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio.' And then he points to this skull mug and says, 'Here hung those lips I have kissed I know not how oft.'"

Feelgood: "You get it, Hoss? Hamlet was lockin' lips with Yorick. They was goddam fairies! That prolly explains why Yorick died of AIDS."

Hoss: "Thanks for that tidbit, Feelgood. I will be alerting all the Danish history professors with whom I am acquainted."

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I wonder if my buddy Rachelle Loyear-Williams is making fun of me. (Rachelle is in my Geriatric Ward, over to the left.) She had a piece on April 15 about all the list-making that is going on, Internet-wise. You know the kind of stuff: 10 things I like done to me in the shower; 100 things that prove how wonderful I am; 5 questions and answers about drill sergeants I have known; the 50 tiniest penises I have seen, and so on.

Anyway, Good Ol' Hoss has started a list of things about Hisself, which he is dribbling out in dribbles and drabbles. Rachelle mighta seen this, and thought up a parody. Which is okay; I been parodied by the best Danish history professors in the land. Basically, this is what Rachelle wrote:

"Here is a list of things from me:

"100 Things I Suck At"

"1. Thinking up things to put on lists."