Five Years' Worth of Bonus Days

HOO BOY!! Ol' Hoss is now 75!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course you know what that means. It means I have had 5 years worth of bonus days. See, in the Bible it only promises "three score and 10," a "score" being 20 and 10 being 10, for the calculus challenged. Almost all of you people have not had any bonus days, and you won't get 'em unless you quit mouthing off to the guy in the next lane over who's got a bad case of the road rage.

HOO BOY!! Tomorrow Ol' Hoss will be 75!!!!!!!!!!!>

If you want the refresher course on why I get two birthdays, it is here. Today I am 27,394 days old. I wonder how much time I have wasted on people who said, "Wait a minute" or "Gimme a sec"? You can find out how many days old you are by going to this site. There is some other uninteresting stuff there, too. Like, you know, like the heat produced by burning 75 candles.

This site says, "The heat produced by burning 75 candles would boil 8.57 ounces of water. If you recall, asswipe, you burned 74 candles last year, which is the sole cause of global warming."

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I am glad you mentioned candles, for this reminded me of what happened yesterday here at The Olden People's Home. We found one of the inmates, old Ferdie Minuette, sitting on the driveway soaked in gasoline. As Ol' Hoss has a way of getting to the meat of the coconut (proved yesterday), it was left to me to figure this out.

Hoss: "'S-up, Ferd?"

Ferdie: "I will soon self-immolate to protest the linen service at this place. 'Tis a far better thing that I do than I have ever done.' Got that out of 'Tale of Two Cities.'"

Hoss: "You're bein' a little hard on our Administrator, aren'cha? This might cause her to puddle up."

Ferdie: "I don't care. If they ain't gonna iron my sheets there's no point of going on any longer. You got a match?"

I opened up my Zippo, turned the wheel, got a good flame going and tossed it to him reconsidered. I suddenly remembered what it said in Martha Stewart's latest book:

"If you come across someone who wishes to self-immolate, correct procedure is to touch him off with a tapered candle, not a Zippo. Twelve-inch tapers are suitable, but the more stylish immolations occur by offering the soakee a 14-inch taper."

Hoss: "Crap, Ferdie. I ain't got a 14-inch taper on me. Come on, I'll drive you to WalMart. You got any preference about what color candle you wanna immolate with?"

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My favorite word today is outsource. N., we've been jobbed. Def.: The place in The Philippines you go for uninformation.