Are You Like Me? You Have a Horny Car?

If they are selling Christmas lights, it must be fruitcake season. Which is when the deer start losing their antlers. And so, of course, this got me to thinking about my car horn.

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I have one of those cars that have an automatic locking device, triggered by a button on this monstrous key. When I push "lock," the lock buttons go down, and the horn goes "beep."

I am getting worried about this. How many "beeps" does one car horn have in it? After awhile, does the horn fall out, like it does off a deer? And if the horn falls out, how do I show my disdain for the Little Old Lady who walks so slowly on the "Walk" light that I miss the green? It is really hard to set off a good case of road rage if you don't have a horn.

Volkswagen will be hearing from me.

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My world-class buddy, Lois Lane, had a piece a couple days ago about childhood use of the "F-bomb." It was a very funny story told on her sister, Angie, who takes all of Lois's ribbing in vastly good humor. It reminded me of my brother-in-law, Cliff, not because he is funny per se, but because he is hard of hearing.

He, his wife, my wife and I are driving down the main (only) street in Virginia City, Nevada. In front of us is a big ol' red pickup with this tatooed fella at the wheel with his honey chile practically in his lap. One of them hippie guys starts ambling across the street, takin' his ol' sweet time.

Mr. Tatoo honks at him, and blurts out, "You F-er!" Mr. Hippy throws up "The Finger." Mr. Tatoo throws on the emergency brake, right in the middle of the street and chases Mr. Hippie into a nearby bar.

My brother-in-law says, "That is strange, they seem to know each other."

I say, "What makes you think that?"

Cliff says, "He called him Tucker."

So now you know how to lay the F-bomb on somebody without cursing: "You Tucker!"

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My pal Unga Chunga went to a fund-raiser art auction the other night, and there were only seven bidders. She said she got some great stuff on the cheap.

I asked her in the comments section, "What if they threw a fund-raiser and nobody came?"

She emailed me: "Fund-downer?" Hoo boy, she is sharp.

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My favorite word today is pinto. N., of vegetables, equines and steel. Def.: A word meaning beans, horses and cars, invented to confuse people who are taking English as a second language.