You Know What the Scientists Say

The other day, here in beautiful Salem, Oregon, we had competing political parades. One was for Gay Pride, and the other was supporting George W. Bush. You know what a liberal I am, so I got right in there and participated.

I joined a bunch of sign carriers on one side of the street. Here's what my sign said:





A guy next to me said, "You fool. That's just what they want!"

Here's what his sign said:





So I'm on the wrong side of the street. Big deal.

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Three souls show up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "For the purpose of checking our tithing records, what was your annual salary?"

First soul says, "$200,000. I was a trial lawyer."
Second soul says, "$80,000. I was a realtor."
Third soul says, "$12,000. I was..."

St. Peter: "I know, I know. But what did you teach?"

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I know you got plenty of people on your b**groll, but please do me and yourself a favor and visit a new b**gger, Susan Ivy, but don't stand too close. Ivy is making a career out of goofing up: Falling downstairs in a restaurant; pulling a bra out of her purse at the grocery store and watching it flutter to the floor; wearing her shoes too loose and watching one precede her by half a block; peeing in her wet suit -- just before the instructor says, "Don't pee in your wet suit." This is what is known as a real person a Goober. Go see.

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My favorite word today is matey. N., walted Matilda. Def.: A word you use at your office for three days after your Australian vacation only to discover that everyone thinks you are an embarrassment.