Scram Gravy Ain't Wavy (Notary Sojac)*

My wife had to had a lump removed from her breast. Don't go gettin' out your joss sticks and burnin' incense for her because she's just fine. None of that metastizable stuff. What hacks her off most is the cost of the Arimidex.

Arimidex is a medicine invented by somebody so the Chairman of the Board could get paid $8 billion a year. It's sort of a preventative in case there's any bits of cancer floating around. It costs almost $600 for 90 pills. So my wife and I discussed this:

Me: "You know, we could get 200 gallons of gas for that much money."

She: "What would we do with 200 gallons of gas?"

Me: "We could help everybody in this Old Folks' Home self-immolate and have some gas left over."

She: "Can they get their own Martha Stewart-brand candles, or do you have to go to WalMart again?"

Me: "Yeah, that's kind of a downer now that gas costs so much. Okay, I'll send out for the Arimidex."

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You remember Jack Benny? He's the victim of a holdup gunsel, who says, "Your money or your life."

Benny hesitates. The gunsel says again, more firmly: "Your money or your life!"

Benny: "I'm thinking!"

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The Orchard Heights Bulletin has come out again. Here is my favorite line:

"Sadly in 1999 he passed away." Damn, I wish they'd let me edit this stuff. I coulda fixed that sentence right up:

"Cheerily in 1999 he passed away." Or,

"Angrily in 1999 he passed away." Or,

"With relief in 1999 he passed gas and away."

And I never even majored in English in college.

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My favorite word today is estimate. N., guess again. Def.: The word that eventually is followed by "We found some more things."

(*What Smokey Stover's creator, Bill Holman, told us.)