Titles Are the Hard Part

Since I am able to write one title for my piece every day, the Moguls Down in Hollywood think they can use me. See, they are running out of things to call their Class A motion pictures. For instance, here are some working titles they told me about that they're not sure they want to use:

"Dr. Chicago"
"Just Slightly Out of Africa"
"Pittsburgh Story"
"Finding Michael Jackson's Ranch"
"Million Dollar Baby Dolls and Bustiers"
"Being Julia Child"
"The Passion of the Monte Cristo"

I fired off a singing telegram, just like us moguls did in the good old days:

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? STOP. OMAR SHARIF WOULD NEVER MAKE A MOVIE IN CHICAGO. STOP. ZANZIBAR MOVIES ARE PASSE'. AIR POLLUTION IS SO BAD IN PITTSBURGH YOU WOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO FILM FOR 6 MINUTES A DAY. EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE MICHAEL'S RANCH IS (SAN FRANCISCO?) AND SO ON AND SO FORTH. STOP. WILL C.Y.A. FOR $5,000 PER TITLE. STOP. END OF MESSAGE. -- HOSS

Here's what I came up with for 2006. You might wanna play along.

"The Three Moogs." This is about synthesizing eye pokes and the history of "nyaaah," with voiceovers by my buddy Dave Morris.

"May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose." With the success of National Geographic's "Penguin" thingie, this low-budget documentary has boffo written all over it. Promotional stills by my pal Deb (Sugar-fused).

"The Most Kinky Characters I Have Ever Met." A $100-million blockbuster from Reader's Digest Studios about how physical therapists iron out muscular twitches and kinks. Starring my therapist chum Tisha.

"Keys to the Kingdom" (a remake). An historical romance about chastity belts. Theories and strategies by my new-found acquaintance The Pointmeister.

"War and Cease." George Dubya Bush's Canadian War exit strategy. Written from the Anne Frank Memorial Bunker in Carcross, Yukon Territory, by my longtime friend, Average Mom.

Because people can't resist good titles, these will be the five finalists for "Picture of the Year." (Insider's tip: Bet all your dough on the reprise of Bob Hope's most famous flick, renamed "Captain Antlerblower.")

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