Get On the Bandwagon Time

I am sitting in the dining room of the Home for the Old Rock of Agers, staring down at my plate. I ask my pal, Malt Sharper, "Is this free-range rat?"

Malt: "No, that's squirrel. I shot a lot of those down in Texas."

Hoss: "No, what I mean is, Is it free-range rat, or rodent, which are the one and the same to me."

Malt: "Well, I never heard of no rat farms, so it probably is."

Hoss: "I have to know. I gotta watch my health, and if this ain't free-range rat, I ain't eatin' it. Let me tell you something, you being so much younger than me and probably don't know these things. You don't wanna eat no farmed nothing. Here's why:

"Chickens cooped up together get you the Avian Flu.
"Cattle cooped up together give you the Mad Cow disease.
"Buffalo cooped up get you the brucellosis.
"Venisons (deer?) get you the chronic wasting.
"Salmon in fish farms swim around all day in their own poo.

"Do you think that if your Momma swam around all day in poo you'd wanna breast feed? No, just as I thought."

Malt: "Is it really that bad?"

Hoss: "It's worse. I was in to WalMart the other day, and they said they probably won't be getting in any free-range bananas till 2007. I know whose fault it is, too, but I ain't gettin' into the blame game."

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My favorite phrase today is pushy broad. N., damn her soul. Def.: The person who came to the counter after you did but manages to get served first.