Salmagundi*

I been thinkin' about what I want said at my funereal, you know where they do that elegy or euthenasia thing. I have been boning up on how George W. Bush says things, because he is the master at Engrish, and here is what I come up with so far.

"Going forward is in retrospect, because we are committed to the here and now, as well as yesterday." --Ol' Hoss, Salem, OR Old Folks' Home, 10/20/2005.

"History will be -- can be -- our judgment of it." --Ol' Hoss, Salem, OR Dumpee in Senior Citizen Place, 10/20/2005.

"There is a place for everyone -- immigrants, and people coming here from other countries, too -- and once everybody is in place this problem will commensurate our know-how if -- not impossible but easy -- we resolute it." --Ol' Hoss, Salem OR Old and in the Way Home, 10/20/2005.

Boy howdy, it is going to be hard to pick just one of these for the ethnic at my wake, which will be held at the Temple of the Rise and Shine.

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I am beginning to think fondly of global warming. Look on the bright side of hurricanes: 5 years, easy, of full employment for carpenters, roofers and stone masons.

Even better -- and you'll want to get in on this -- is pristine beach property and nudist colonies in the Arctic.

Time shares in Santa-land!

Hoss: "Where you spending the summer, Bubba?"

Bubba: "The heat in Newfoundland is terrible, anymore. Maude and I probably will be trailering up to the North Pole."

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My new buddy, Ivy, says her child opines that every time a fly lands somewhere it vomits. So Ivy wonders if the proverbial fly on the wall "is covertly listening to private conversations in the room, or just simply waiting for the queasiness to pass."

I am glad to know that Ol' Hoss does not have to do all the deep thinking.

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My favorite word today is embarrassment. Vb., who knew? Def.: The announcement by a sibling at your Mom's funeral that she liked you best, which you knew but pretended you didn't.

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* "2. A miscellaneous collection or mixture." --OED.