All the Money Is in Groceries, Not Food

Most of you know that I will probably be dead in about a year or so, and you also know I can't afford it. See, I need to Make My Pile so something exotic can be done with my body. I am big on exotic, like lap dancing.

My current plan is to be shot in a time machine to some brave new world in the Andromeda Galaxy, if I cash in my chips in the summer. Otherwise I will go to the Southern Cross. But then when it gets to be summer up north I can move to Andromeda. I am a good candidate to be in favor of global warming. Warm is better than cold.

I think there is A Pile to be made selling groceries. You never want to be in a position of selling food. Food is what farmers sell, and they don't earn jack shit. Groceries is what Costco and Kroger and Safeway sell, and they make all the money -- and I want some of the action. So, get ready for:

Ol' Hoss's Fine Tomatoes and Firing Range. The word tomatoes implies, of course, that I will be selling lots of different stuff because everybody is confused about whether tomatoes is fruit or vegetable. So people will just assume that I also will be selling Wheaties and Smoked Trout.

The big money, of course, will be in cheese. I will have gorgonzola, camembert, liederkranz, those isoceles triangles of parmesan, brie -- no, wait, that's French. Screw the frogs; they peed all over our favorite war. So we'll have Edam instead. I think the Dutch might still like us. The big fun, though, will be in the Swiss Cheese Firing Range, where people will get to make their own holes in the cheese. I'll be providing beebee guns, for people who like a lot of little holes but don't want 'em done all at once; rifles for single-shot also, but that make bigger holes; and shotguns that can make various sized holes, because shot comes in various sizes. But they can do this quick and get on their way home for Happy Hour.

I will charge the same amount per pound of ammunition as for the cheese. But it will be worth it for people to get their own home-shot cheese, don't you think?

This idea might not make me wealthy right away, but I can always sell out to my buddy Bill Gates. He wants to own everything high-tech like this.

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My favorite word today is held. Vb., in the nick of time. Def.: A child examines what he left in the toilet that he needed to let go of 20 miles back and was told to "hold it."