Football Is Not for Sissies

Second half of Ol' Hoss's strange dream. In Part 1, the School Budget Officer was questioning a bidder about items in the contract. They continue:

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Budget Guy: "Now, yesterday I told you I want to know what you mean by listing '6 Spastics @ $6.97 an hour.'"
Bidder: "Actually, this is probably newsworthy. There is this lady in New York Babs Geller, who is an epileptic who makes fun of herself. These people have trouble getting and keeping jobs, what with all their tics. So she said they would be good at shaking nails in the carpenters' aprons so the carpenters wouldn't have to be running back and forth to the nail buckets."
Budget Guy: "Indeed! Has she considered a job as school superintendent? Ours is, well... Heh. Just a little inside joke there."

Budget Guy: "Now then, on Page 1134 you list '12 gophers, @ $10 each, installed.' Kindly explain."

Bidder: "It is our job to not only build your school but to put in the football field. Every school being built these days has imported gophers to make holes in the football field. Golden Gophers from Minnesota make the best holes, but they're pretty expensive. Now then, you mow right over the gopher mounds, but the holes stay there. The home team knows where they are, so they can avoid them. Visitors don't know, so after the visitors get 3-4 broken ankles they are pretty demoralized. Twelves gophers give you a 9-10 point home-field advantage every time. Everybody does it."

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Brrrrriiiinnnnnng!
Bidder: "Yo. Bids R Us. 'S-up?"
Budget Guy: "About the school job? It seems we are very big on football, so the board wants the Golden Gophers. Uh, 24 of them."

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My favorite word today is apologist. N., Uncle Lester is such a boor. Def.: You have to invite to the party someone despicable, so you go around privately apologizing to all the other guests.