One for the Books

But no blood was shed, for Lucifero's shot went wild, thanks to his getting shot square in the .... Wait a minute. Do you know where you are?

You have come square into the book "Fear and Loathing Amongst the Pecans," Ol' Hoss's entry in the NaNoWriMo contest. What is going down is people have signed up to write a 50,000-word novel during November. It is not a real contest, of course, because Ol' Hoss will finish long before anybody else. I dropped 10,000 words on you yestiddy, and will do the other 40,000 today.

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Fear and Loathing Amongst the Pecans

(Chapters 78-95)

But no blood was shed, for Lucifero's shot went wild, thanks to his getting shot square in the chest by a blast from Sheriff Bearly Harms's .20-20 filled with pepper spray. The sheriff's main job these days was to enforce Tennessee's "No Shotgun Marriages Act" after a spate of butt-crack shootings in 2004. He broke up the proposed marriage of Clem Hackleberry the Noble to Emmy Demons the Rotund. This union had been proposed not by Clem but by Lucifero Demons the Burlap Bag Maker/Clovis Point Re-seller and father of Emmy on accounta Emmy was 10 months' fragrant.

This proposal was Feared and Loathed by Clem, who was reading "Sabu the Elephant Dung Beetle Boy" during the wedding ceremony.

The High Sheriff's other job was to enforce the "Anti-Cow Tipping Act" of 2003. This was passed because it was found that some farmers were paying a few of their cows more than the others if they gave more butterfat. Tips were ranging as high as 30 percent in some of the better restaurant hay barns. This, of course, offended The Green Party, which controls the Tennessee Legislature, because Americans are already too fat. (The Green Party's major bill in the current legislative session is to replace Jack Daniels with soybean creme soda as the official "State Drink." Krispy Kremes were outlawed in 2002.)

Clem Hackleberry got clean away, of course, and became a NASCAR driver because he found out the groupies knew about The Pill.

Emmy Demons, the would-be bride of Clem Hackleberry (a.k.a. Dr. No), when last seen was doing the "during" part in the MSN Windows Media story of "The Pregnancy of Britney Spears." (GP-13)

Lucifero Demons never got over spitting and hacking from the pepper spray, so he became a poster boy for the anti-smoking bunch, joining "The Marlboro Metrosexual" and "Joe Formerly Cool" on billboards.

Flesh Gordon bought the preacher's house and turned it into a tourist trap where people could pay $3 per each to see where six coon dogs lapped up a pan of brownies and a preacher's wife in one sitting.

(The author of this historical romance, when asked what muse he relied upon for this story, said, "As Yogi Berra always said, 'You can see a lot by observin'.'")

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(There! 50.000 words, exactly. I know you worried whether I could do it, but I had some words in reserve. I was going to have Lucifero say, "What the hey?" when he got shot by the pepper spray, but I didn't need the wordage.)

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My favorite word today is shin*. N., By the hair of my shinny, shinny shin. Def.: Device for finding furniture in the dark.

* From my buddy Oz.