Your Life Made Really Easy -- for a Price

I just got interviewed, via email, by the AARP monthly newsletter. They is doing a story about "older" b**ggers, and I got recommended. One of the questions was: "Do you have a favored topic, and what led you to focus on it?" I said, "My favorite topic is rutabagas, because nobody else was writing about rutabagas. Now, unfortunately, lots of people are. I might be shifting to a new topic: What do dung beetles do with their own dung?"

Nah, I didn't really say that. Wish I had.

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Listen, for a tenth of your monthly income would you like to live a life of ease? we can help each other out. You send me money, and I send you:

Ol' Hoss's Cradle to the Near-Grave Service. I'll be right up-front with you. I badly need money to pay for teeth implants. I have decided I don't want to be gumming my food in Heaven. Or in Hell, either. (I wonder which one of those places features "Shit on a Shingle" creamed chipped beef on toast?)

Here's the scam offer:

I am going to send you a cradle for your bedroom. (This is sort of Rube Goldbergian, but much better.) You can rent out the rest of the house, for you will never need it. Here's how it works:

Imagine a giant cradle hanging from your ceiling. It is a bed that you can move into a lot of shapes like those you see on paid-program TV. Changing positions is what you do for exercise. You can actually make it rock back and forth -- if that's good to get babies to sleep, think of what it will do for you.

There is a movable lid down where your nether regions (genitalia?) reside. Beneath that is a hose that carries your waste off to the potty, which is sensory-operated when it hosts a brown log (also will whisk away mustard color). A fine mist will arise out of your dump-hole and spray you spic and span, followed by a powerful fan that will tickle and dry your balls or honey-pot fanny. My magic lid to this depository will then reappear to rest your boners.

On each side of the bed will be one of those swinging trays like they use in dentists' offices, which you will use for brushing teeth, eating your breakfast and/or TV dinners, and as a reading stand/computer laptop office. Naturally you already have a remotely-operated TV/Stereo. Within reach will be your refrigerators for holding beer, which will be delivered by your local TV dinner/beer store, and your microwave oven.

Listen, there's a lot more to this. You probably have the gist, though: You never have to get out of bed. Beds and bidets are guaranteed. Cost is slightly higher for parties of three.

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My favorite word today is normal. Adj., how the world turns. Def.: Neighbors' description of the "regular guy" who is discovered to have killed 18 people.