The History of Smoking

Between the two of us, I reckon me and our Old Folks' Home historian Feelgood Haines know everything there is to know about smoking. I was reminded of this by my cousin, Lois, who thinks I should tell you about her brother, Delton.

Delton was in the Air Force, and crashed and died up in a training mission. It was neat when these jet airplanes flew over the gravesite with one place in the formation empty to show their "missing comrade." But what was neater was when Delton and I learned to smoke.

We were about 12, and we had us some newspaper, some stick matches, and some juniper bark. We wrapped up some juniper and puffed away, hidden from sight from our folks. Juniper bark doesn't draw like cigarettes, so we had to put the burning end in our mouths to get any smoke. Boy that was swell. We both burned our tongues, got smoke in our eyes, coughed a lot, and said we'd do it again tomorrow, which we didn't. Boy we were stupid.

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Hoss: "Who said, 'What this country needs is a good 5-cent cigar?'"

Feelgood: "Thomas Marshall, ol' Woody Wilson's vice president. Feelgood 1, Hoss 0."

Hoss: "Who said, 'It is now proven, beyond a doubt, that smoking is a leading cause of statistics?'"

Feelgood: "Fletcher Knebel. Feelgood 2, Hoss 0."

Hoss: "Who said, 'You continue to keep score like that, I'm gonna kick your ass?'" Feelgood: "Sir Walter Raleigh, inventor of pipe tobacco, along with the Seminoles. Feelgood 3, uh, never mind."

Hoss: "Who invented the corncob pipe?"

Feelgood: "Popeye the Sailor Man. Improved version by Mammy Yokum."

Hoss; "Who invented Anasazi beans?"

Feelgood: "The Mohawks?"

Hoss: "Ha! Hoss 3, Feelgood 2."

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My favorite word today is coincidence. Adj., it's gotta be the E.S.P. Def.: You and your husband decide, independently but at the same time, not to have your belly button pierced.