Just About Broke

Listen up: I know you like to be amused or you wouldn't be here. So today, for a history of how Thanksgiving came about, go see Courtney. She's the 17-year-old daughter of Jamie Dawn, and in this piece she out-Feelgoods Feelgood Haines. (I love to see young people get into the b**g world. Go see her, darnit!)

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I've taken a big hit in the old monthly income whatzis, so I guess I'll have to go back to work. Ol' Hoss has always lived by his wits, and can do it again. Here's an idea I got in the percolator:

Family Trees Worth Hewin' and Havin'

Family tree forms you get in stationery stores are pretty standard, usually with a bunch of lines and places for dates, and with maybe a scraggly old tree in the background. This is the kind of non-thinkin' that gives Ol' Hoss a touch of the Midas Touch. Consider: Ol' Hoss's Family Trees to Fit the Family Right.

"Spinsters' Delight." This is THE tree book for families with lots of virgins in them. The centerpiece will be, of course, a Cherry tree, with blossoms honed to perfection by Japanese precision silk screen artists. I guess there will have to be some cherries on the ground, withered and/or sere. Nicely rounded off with biography of Queen Victoria.

"Groucho Special." Was the Patriarch a follower of the Rime of the Ancient Curmudgeon doctrine? You will want Ol' Hoss's Crabapple tree, the pages of which will be infused with lemon juice. The crabapples will be highlighted in 20-carat gold leaf from the Ebeneezer Scrooge School of Art. Includes biographies of Aaron Burr and Calvin Coolidge.

"Psychos and Maniacs." Gideons will want to get these in all the Bates Motels. There will be specialized versions, giving buyers the option of choosing various kinds of trees for nutzos, such as English walnut, black walnut, chestnut (open fire in background), oak, pine, cashew (bless you/gesundheit), macadamia (Hawaii only), filbert (from the farm of my friend, Hazel Nutt), Brazil, almond and pea (hand drawings by Jimmy Carter). Comes with complete biographies of Rasputin and Charles Manson.

"Normal Family Trees." There are so few normal families, we might not recover the silk screen costs. Economists would say this is "too bad."

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My favorite word today is woe. Adj., this is the pits. Def.; What you often are meted when you mistakenly let your "ex" know you are "seeing somebody."*

(* Does not apply to Aral Pez, who is best friends with her ex.)