Another 'Can't Miss' Book

I have alluded once or twice (30 or 40?) to a need to Make My Pile before I cash in my chips on account of I want my ashes hauled (heh!) here and there in the Universe. You know, to Andromeda, or the Southern Cross, depending on where it's summer. So, I need to make some Big Bucks.

Naturally, I have already made up mind to reincarnate, first as a cat. Then I'll have 8 more lives coming, which will give me time to Make My Pile Over and Over. I may use one of these lives to become a woman so I can tell your damn husband how silly he sounds when you're in deepest pain and he says, "Just breathe, honey."

My latest scam plan:

Ol' Hoss's Coffee Table Cookbook

You all have seen a coffee table book. Lots of doctors' offices have 'em because at $75 a pop only doctors can afford one. It's one of those things about 11x14 inches, got a lot of beautiful pictures, with maybe some quotes stole out of Bartlett's ("The sand wafted in the air, ruining her Rolex." --Rudyard Kipling). Weighs about 8 pounds, so it's hard to steal.

You will want to reserve one of these beauties because this book will be useful! Just imagine these culinary delights:

Kidney and Appendix Pie

Baby Harp Seal Club Sandwich

Carp Sushi With Egg Roll

Giant Tortoise on the Half Shell (feeds 48)

Lesser Panda and Parsnips

Clam Flutters (in Monarch Butterfly Sauce)

Listen to the Mockingbird Sizzle

I Wish I Could Chimichanga Like My Sister Kate

And, the piece de' resistance:

Ivory Billed Woodpecker Pate

If your reaction to this plan is favorable, I'll be on my way up north to club some seals for the initial round of pix. Or, I don't know, maybe it's Lesser Panda season in China. Somebody will know.

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My favorite word today is debonair. N., a cut-up. Def.: The guy who bones out a chicken, a duck and a turkey so you can have turducken.