Feelgood Helps Me Out With Father's Day

Feelgood Haines: "Sonora Dodd, of eastern Washington state."

Hoss: "Huh?"

Feelgood: "That's who it was, who invented Father's Day, way back in Nineteen Hundred Ought Nine. You didn't know that, did you?"

Hoss: "I could have got along without it."

Feelgood: "Listen, Bub, you need to know these things in case somebody asks. See, there she was, in church, listening to a sermon about Mothers, and she starts thinking about Fathers. Twisted little bitch, huh?"

Hoss: "I guess there's no mail. See you later, Feelgood."

Feelgood: "Oh, just hold on, Fruitcake. I ain't done. Sonora thinks it would be great to have a Father's Day, so she promotes it. Now Hallmark and Whitman's Sampler got their lobbyists to work opposing it on accounta they would have to gear up for a big day right after Mother's Day and it sounded like work. But a course they was overruled by people who had Fathers so now the haberdashers can get rid of all their ties. William Smart."

Hoss: "Uh, William Smart?"

Feelgood: "That was the father of Sonora Dodd. About whom somebody wrote the Big Ernie's Prayer, which I will now expound to you:

"Our father, who art in heaven,
Big Ernie be thy name.
Thy nine iron sucks.
But your tee time is nigh, and Hay-sus awaits on the first tee.
Give us this day our 18 holes,
And forgive us a few swear words,
As we forgive those who nudge their score.
And lead us not to overstay the 19th hole,
So the old lady won't be evil. So it goes."

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My favorite word today is stalemate. N., no winner here, folks. Def.: A husband who has seen better days.