In the "Good" Old Days

You know who has all the fun? It's gotta be we old people, right? Look here to see what we're up to now.

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Speaking of which, old magazine ads also have all the fun. Check these jewels.







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More from the ancient peever:

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people just didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age. And I have decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but are you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for people my age, and calling it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers.

Employment application blanks always ask "Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?" I think we should write: "A Good Doctor."

Why do they put pictures of criminals in post offices? Why don't they just arrest them while they're taking the pictures?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They were cramming for their finals.

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My favorite word today is skeleton. N., connected to the hip bone. Def.: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Suicide for the Self

You may not know it, but I continue to guest post over at Tisha's place. Some mighty thoughtful thoughts over there, pardner.

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How's about an advertisement banned in the United States? Would you believe censorship has reared its mighty might? It is not banned for us who cleverly slide around it, though, so take a peek here.

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Listen: Did you know an AM radio also can be used in the PM?

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I could do better than this If My Nose Was Running Money. At least I think so.

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A dentist noted that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous. So, he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he said, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. Oh well, he thought. At least I tried.

Five minutes later, during a sensitive part of the operation, the little old lady burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made."

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When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite hobby, fishing! I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me. But she never did like fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait and Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner. It turned out Sam likes bass fishing just about as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, but a few minutes later Sam caught what must have been his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

But, instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore. And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? This is a real dillemer.

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My favorite phrase today is electile dysfunction. N., are there pills for this? Def.: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President*.

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*(Except Obama, of course.)

I Am a Sucker for Memories

Miz Mell has tagged Ol' Hoss with a short meme, and lucky she did for I found some jewels in following the rules.

What Mell said to do was find a book with at least 123 pages, find the fifth sentence on the page, and then publish the next three sentences. Ho ho har de har har. Look how Hoss lucked out:

"Why is getting to level four of Tomb Raiders no problem but to have a simple conversation I had to stand on a hilltop with my nuts wrapped in tinfoil? When it comes to cell phones, I just need the basics: something that rings at inappropriate moments, interferes with airplane safety, and gives me a brain tumor.

"Don't try to talk to me about Desperate Housewives. If I had the slightest interest in other people's sex lives, I'd be a Republican."

(You'll never find three better sentences than these I got out of "New Rules," by Bill Maher.)

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Just think: In about 7-8 months you will be raking leaves again. And here's what's wrong with that.

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A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. Whether this is aprochyphal, I don't know. But it's cute. Here are various and assorted proverb endings that her students delivered:

Better to be safe than...........Punch a fifth grader.
Strike while the.................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of....Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...How?
Don't bite the hand that........Looks dirty.
No news is......................Impossible.
A miss is as good as a..........Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.....Math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..Stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................Me.
The pen is mightier than the....Pigs.
An idle mind is.................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's....Pollution.
Happy the bride who.............Gets all the presents.
A penny saved is................Not much.
Two's company, three's..........The Musketeers.
Don't put off til tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
None is so blind as.............Stevie Wonder
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and..........You have to blow your nose.

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My favorite word today is secret. N., now don't pass this on.... Def.: Something you tell to one person at a time.

I Get the Blues When It Don't Rain

I have run (ranned?) across this Internet magician who has some good stuff. For instance, if you want him to make a girl vanish, just say so.

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So, you need to know how to become a Blues Musician. Here's how:

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like: "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. No way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot, or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
A. Highway
B. Jailhouse
C. Empty bed
D. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
A. Nordstrom's
B. Gallery openings
C. Ivy League institutions
D. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happened to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
A. You older than dirt
B. You blind
C. You shot a man in Memphis
D. You can't be satisfied

14. You can't sing the Blues if:
A. You have all your teeth
B. You were once blind but now can see
C. The man in Memphis lived
D. You have a 401k or a trust fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are cheap wine, whiskey or bourbon, muddy water, nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, Slimfast.

17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have the Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

18. Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
A. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
B. First name (see above) plus name of fruit: Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
C. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example:

Blind Lime Jefferson
Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore (well...maybe not Kiwi...let's think here....)

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My favorite word today is raisin. N., in the sun? Def.: Grape with a sunburn.

The Story of the Moral Is....um...I Forget

Here it is, the day for Perfect Posts and Perfect Rabbits. Kimberly, one of the inventors of Perfect Post, lets me know that this is the 2nd anniversary of the award. How time flies when you're having flies. I will get back to my selection for Perfect Post in a moment, but first:

Yes, on the first third of the month is when we go Rabbit! Rabbit!, and all month long we will have good luck. You, too, can have lovely luck if you just say Rabbit! Rabbit! You don't really need the picture.

I was taught (by the Pez Family) to say Rabbit! Rabbit! on the first of the month. But, see, sometimes the first happens on a Saturday or Sunday when we're not awarding the Perfect Post, so then we....oh, never mind.

My Perfect Posterino goes to Texans Gone East, a family that moved from Tex to Singapore. Go here to see the column that I thought would chuckle you up.

To see other Perfect Post winners, go where Momma K, and Lucinda make their posts.

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Our favorite patsy, George W., is the star of Funniest Video of the Year, which is a few takes from his speeches. It is funny (you know how Dubya can be), and you can call it up here.

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Recently, the Washington Post asked its readers to make up new meanings for words beginning with A through H. Some of what I liked best:

Airstrip. To pretend to take off your clothes.

Blunderbuss. To French-kiss the boss's wife at the office Christmas party.

Coliseum. Lassie finds Timmy.

Electrons. Supporters of Rep. Paul.

Endow. To sit on a tack.

Exorbitant. A former astronaut.

Footstool. Dog doo that's stuck on your shoe.

Harlot. Someone who will laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. Ho ho har de har har.

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My favorite phrase today is ground round. N., related to Salisbury Steak. Def.: The circle you make in the dirt for a game of marbles.

Can You Heal Me Now?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name of the patient, and the room number?"

The grandmother, in a weak, tremulous voice, said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news! Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That is so wonderful! God bless you for the good news."

The operator said, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one around here tells me shit."

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Sometimes good stunts work out; sometimes they don't. You can be the judge of this one, where a young lad is attempting to scare his kid sister.

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Mother Superior called the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God!," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of peaches."

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, then running into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of the stairs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The husband said, "Oh, my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff? Mountain stuff? Golf stuff?"

It doesn't matter," she says. "Just get out."

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My favorite word today is debate. N., I smell something. Def.: What fish in schools are looking for.

Fee Fie Fo Fum, I Smell Something

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.


She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him. He told her there were only three things that he feared:

1) Osama

2) Obama

3) And Yo Momma



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Ho ho har de har har. I love this work.

Meanwhile, not many of you (none, actually) know that I am a client of Hospice. If you don't know what Hospice is, I will give you a short version. This organization cares for the ill who have six months, or less, to live. This is a neat deal. Hospice prescribes some medicine that gives me comfort, and I (my helpmate, Scamp) goes to get it and it's free. Free is a very good price.

If you haven't been here when I was complaining, what I am dying of is COPD, a pulmonary disease brought on by 55 years of smoking. Howsomeever, I am not complaining much, because I think the doctors who think I am going to die in six months are off by, oh, six years.

There is a problem with this. If I don't die in six months, they might quit giving me the free medicine. This is a woe-maker, because some of this stuff costs more than $100 a month. And I don't get a lot of $100s a month each month.

So I guess the question is: Should I die before the money runs out?

The answer: Hell, no. Don't die at all!!

This is where it stands.

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My favorite word today is death. N., the last part of the bell curve. Def.: Something men do before their wives because they want to. (Ho ho har de har har de har de har har. I crack myself up.)

Who Was That Masked Fella?

I am here in Northeast Oregon, spyin' the grounds. Kid Relish* is over yonder, about 45 degrees and 500 (700?) feet away. What we're spyin' is she-wolves.

First, though, we have to consider the enviro: It is f**king cold. And I don't know how I am gonna get out of bein' cold without shuckin' out some blankets. So, I do. Except Kid Relish doesn't. He just stays more or less bare-ass naked. Which brings us back to where it all began. If anybody cares. Try this:

Some yahoo decided to reintroduce wolves into the Yewnited States, over in Yellowstone, where they had been shot out of. So they did, and, wolves being wolves, they made more wolves, and these wolves started migratin' here and there and first thing you know they is in Oregon.

Kid Relish then called Ol' Hoss and says: "Wanna shoot some wolves?"

So, shit, as they say: We are up to our armpits in quandaries: Shoot wolves? I have never seen a wolf, much less drawed down on one. So, I said, "Sure."

We get some snowshoes and some .30-.06 rifles and head out to Northeast Oregon.

Wasted trip. Oh, we got out there okay, but it still was a bust. First wolves we saw ate Kid Relish and I didn't stick around to see who got his snowshoes. So it goes.

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My doctor wanted me to take these pills made out of seashells. Abalone; mother of pearl; nacre; all that shit. Said it would be good for calcifying my boners bones.

So I did. Now I am pissing pearls. Kid Relish (somehow he got away) says he'll make me a tiara, which would be fine except I ain't no girlie girlie. No, not me. I shoot wolves, remember? Real he-fella.

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My favorite word today is adult. N., at least 18, maybe 21. Def.: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

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(*Kid Relish was invented by Latigo Flint, a b**gger who has disappeared from view, and we are all poorer for it.)

When Chefs Get Bored

Here's what happens when your favorite chef is about to nod off from lack of a challenge. So if you don't want to see him toying with the grub, come up with something interesting, like, order Haggis.









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Dog For Sale

Free to Good Home......Excellent Guard Dog

Owner cannot afford to keep him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as "Holy Shit!!"



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My favorite word today is change. N., when they gonna get rid of them pennies? Def.: Inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Bush Says Hello

When Dubya responds, he doesn't necessarily mean it. Right?

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This friend has a Dad in a nursing home, suffering from Alzheimer's. So he tries to cheer him up:

"Hey, Dad, Easter is coming up. Ain't that swell? You'll be able to hide your own eggs."

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So this guy asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, my fiance and I would like your permission for us to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So," the guy says, "after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," says the Mullah. "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the young man. "What about sex? Can we have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah. Sex is OK within marriage to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it."

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together, on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"You may indeed!" enthuses the Mullah.

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No," says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

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My favorite word today is egotist. N., have I told you lately about how swell I am? Def.: Someone who's usually me-deep in the conversation.

I Don't Know How This Was Done

I will confess right off: I do not know how this Terrific Illusion was put together. I don't know: Maybe it isn't a trick. Maybe it's magic. I sure hope so.

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Open Letter to All Men:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to tell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Clubhouse so eating out again wouldn't be a good idea. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, I tell her, as long as she is making one for herself to make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in tnhe way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult. Some would find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

S/Jim.

(Jim died suddenly on February 9 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife, Peggy, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that somehow Jim, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club while waiting for her to finish making dinner.

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My favorite word today is mosquito. N., bzz, bzz, toil and trouble. Def.: An insect that makes you like flies better.

The Back of Me Hand to Ya

(I am guest posting for awhile over at Tisha Sharp's place, which you find here. Never seen before stuff. Well, at least not by me.)

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I got some Clinton stuff that needs cleaning up. Good stuff, too.

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"Dear Abby:

"My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everthing. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

"Signed: Clueless:

"Dear Clueless:

"Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

"Act like one."

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Bill may not have a real job. But Dave Letterman has someone much like Bill running an Escort Service.

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Hillary was sworn in as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this.

First Night: Suddenly, the ghost of George Washington appears to her. Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch," says Hillary. "I don't know about that."

Second Night: The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

Hillary responds, "Oooo, I really don't want to do that. What do they know?"

Third Night: On the next night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears before her. Hillary says, "How best can I serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"

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My favorite word today is chickens. N., stop squawking; you never had it so good. Def.: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Work? Pleasure?

Was that what I think it was? A TV reporter finds the fauna are not to his taste.

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The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure." The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor if pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir," began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."

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So these two guys go out for a quiet day of fishing. Then it becomes quite a bit less quiet.

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A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to see what was wrong, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Started, trhe man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story about a talking cow.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes!"

"Oh, then, I wouldn't listen to her," said the farmer. "Bessie doesn't know anything about cars."

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My favorite word today is toothache. N., does medical marijuana work on this? Def.: The pain that drives you to extraction.

If Women Were in Charge....

Look, there's a woman running for President. Pictured here are some of her plans for "improvements."








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The Pope and Hillary Rods are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Hilary and His Holiness have seen it all before, however, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Democrat in the world go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave from her elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy. This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all the people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

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My favorite phrase today is hardened criminal. N., he knows how to finish his yeggs. Def.: A thief who falls into wet cement and breaks his leg.

Art Made Simple

Here are some entries from an art contest at the Hirshorn Modern Art Gallery in Washington DC. The rule was that the artist could only use one sheet of paper.









The Old Old Lady of the Hills actually beat me to this kind of art, and is showing the works of just one artist, Peter Callesen, of Denmark, perhaps the master in the field. Go see what Ms. Old Old has got in store for you. (This is a picture of "the Old Lady," from her site. Not so old, huh?)

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My favorite word today is blackboard. N., gimme that loving feeling: skrtch screedhct. Def.: Where the math professor goes crazy and does a number on it.

The Proof Is in the Long Lens

Sometime back I said I would get a better picture of a Hummingbird someday, and so I have. This little jewel at Sylvia's feeder is an Anna's Hummingbird and we love it like a brother.

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This little flick is not so good, but at least you can see it is TWO Anna's hummers, which is more than one. Both are buried nose deep in the sugar water. I also have a picture of something that looks like a starling but is not a starling. Back to the bird book....

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SIGN IN A PHILADELPHIA

STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER."

You probably would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. Keep in mind, though, that Freedom of Speech is one of our greatest liberties. And, after all it is just a sign.

And where was this sign? In the window of a Philadelphia Funeral Home.

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What you do is you find you a power drill and a fellow employee that's been tetched in the head and then you.....Go here to enjoy the show.

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My favorite phrase today is the 50-5o-90 rule. N., I hope you're good with numbers. Def.: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you will get it wrong.

My Tribulations and My Trials

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers,
upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls,
being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
and a host of other problems..
I have fixed my computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!



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"To my darling Husband,

"Before you return from your trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

"I was coming home from Wal-Mart when I turned into the driveway. I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

"I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of this little accident for you.

"I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

"Your loving wife,

"Heather



"P.S. Your girlfriend called."

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My favorite word today is tomorrow. N., like, manana. Def.: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

Holy Jehosephat, Mother Bear

Year's Best (Actual) Headlines of 2007

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield [London] Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for leaving the Beano home!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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A grenade falls onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

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My favorite word today is bakers. N., it takes two to ice the cake. Def.: People who trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I Knew Water Was No Good for Me

When you're cropping your picture to display it on a site like My Space, you need to be careful, according to me. For persample, note the cropped picture above, how it lures you toward a seductive blonde, with nice hooters.

You'll know it was nicely cropped when you see where it came from (see below).



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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine....and those who don't.....

Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we woulod have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli), which is bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

So: Water = Poop; Wine = Health

Remember, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.

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Just for you, a buddy of mine has found a You Tube explanation of immigration that warns the heck out of us. He's even got Ross Perot charts to back himself up. It takes about 8 minutes to run, but it will go fast because it's quite interesting. For a peek, go here.

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That YouTube thing ties nicely into a billboard I saw, which said:

"Need Help? Call Jesus"
"1-800-005-3787"

Of of curiousity, I did indeed call.

And a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

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My favorite word today is algebra. N., don't get tripped up on this one. Def.: What mermaids wear. (Think about it.....)

We Got Rabbits and Perfect Posts

Here 'tis the Foist of the Munch, and time for Perfect Posts and Rabbits Rare.

Rabbit! Rabbit! Say this at the first of the Munch and you'll have good luck all munch long. According to the Pez Family, that is.



Now then, the awarding of the Perfect Post: My favorite for January was a belated b**g but a sensational b**g outta the typing fingers of Nikki. She has lots to say, about the family trip to Lake Tahoe and about Christmas and her German roots. She also has a gentle bit about the presidential campaign. And then winds it up to remind us she is pregnant, again, as planned. To read this fine post, go here.

Perfect Post is the invention of Petroville and Lucinda. Go to these sites to see the list of the winners for January.

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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

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My favorite word today is wrinkles. N., when your face falls apart. Def.: Something you may have that are similar to my character lines.