Ho Ho Har de Har Har

A public employee is in an accident, and is badly injured. On awakening, his best friend is there to tell him "I have good news and bad news."

Friend: "First off, you are severely injured and you'll never be able to work again."

Public Employee: "Okay, what's the bad news?"

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I had/have this bad hip, for which I got a cortisone shot. No dice. So my Doc says he's going to give me an epidural, which is a shot in the lumbar region.

"What do you call that?" I inquired.

"A shot in the woods," he replied.

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So these two guys go way out in the woods (lumber region) camping. They have plenty of beer, but discover they have no opener.

Fred says to Chet: "You'll have to go back to town and get us an opener."

Chet: "No, I'm not going. As soon as I go you'll eat up all the food."

Fred: "No I won't. I'll wait till you get back."

So Chet leaves. After about 5 days, Fred is a bit hungry. So he opens up a little sack of lunch meat and takes a bite.

Chet, who is hiding behind a big boulder: "I knew it! I'm not going!"

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My favorite word today is mulct. N., a-slithery a-goo goo. Past tense of milk.

Eat Your Heart Out

Here are your tips for a successful Holiday feed:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door, where they are having rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Like fine, single-malt scotch, it's rare. You will not find it any other time of year. Prosit!

3. If something comes with gravy, eat it. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Eat the potatoes. Repeat.

4. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of Christmas dining is to eat other people's food for free.

5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. Your belly will get too small for fruitcake.

6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes: If you leave them behind, you will never see them again.

7. Did I mention fruitcake? Sorry about that. Granted, it is loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. Prove that you have standards that do not include eating the doorstop.

8. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party, you haven't been paying attention. Reread these tips, and start over.

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My favorite word today is sex. N., let's hear it for testosterone. Def.: A bad thing that rumples clothes.

I Think I Had a Bad Day

All of you women who want to, can steal this and then show it to your husband/mate/partner/zombie. Just so they know you know.

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When a man steals your wife, there is no greater revenge than to let him keep her.

The big question, which no one has been able to answer: "What does woman want?"

I had some words with my wife; she had some paragraphs with me.

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." --Sam Kinison.

"I've had bad luck with two wives: The first one left me, and the second one didn't." --Patrick Murray.

The most effective means of remembering your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." --Milton Berle.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met." --Rodney Dangerfield.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy (dourly): "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

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(You know all this is in fun. I love women almost as much as I hate small children.)

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My favorite word today is marriage. N., the lines are getting blurry. Def.: A faster way of transferring funds than electronic banking.

Up to My Neck

And a happy, happy Halloween to you. (Hard cider is not what it's cracked up to be. Or maybe it is?)

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Anyway, it's time for a Halloween story:

An elderly couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in forever decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into the bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the husband cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She responded, "I can go any way I like. And so can you."

So he goes into the bedroom, then comes out stark, raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

He: "Yep. If you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dictator."

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Two girls are chatting, and one admires the other's skin. "What makes it so soft and beautiful?" she inquired.

"Once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk, and just soak in it," she replied.

So this girl goes out to a farm and tells the farmer, "I'd like a lot of milk."

Him: "How much?"

Her: "Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

Him: "Okay, pasteurized?"

Her: "No, just up to my neck."

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My favorite word today is snow. N., what's new? I don't know; what snew with you? Def.: What didn't exist, but old people remember walking to school in it.

Look What Feelgood Got

Gee whillikers, I didn't know this: Feelgood Haines is a big shot in the northern Willamette Valley of Oregon. This is my buddy who used to dwell with me in the Olden Folks Home before we both escaped a couple months ago. So I asked him, "Look, Feelgood, you got a street named after you? You one of them rich dudes?"

Feelgood: "That street was indeed named after me. Ain't that a pistol?"

Ol' Hoss: "Excuse me, Feelgood, now that I think back on it, local history nuts say that street was named in 1860, long before you was a glimmer in your Daddy's eye. So I think you're funnin' me."

Feelgood: "That's right, Hoss, named in 1860 and named after me. Tomorrow I will be 146."

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Sippy cups are not for chardonnay.

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A farmer is out in his apple orchard with his hogs. He lifts a hog up to the tree where it can get an apple, then sets it down. Then he lifts another hog up so it can get an apple and sets it back down.

A passerby says, "Say, Farmer Friend, wouldn't it save time if you picked the apples and threw them to the hogs?"

Farmer: "What do hogs care about time?"

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My favorite word today is bore. N., the Great I Am. Def.: A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in. --Henry Ford.

Things They Want Back

BIDE-A-WEE WEE

Tisha Sharp is having b**g trouble, and is undergoing maintenance. For those of you who visit, don't give up. She will be back among us presently (I think). She's at http://www.tishasharp.com. Thankew kindly.

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Ever have one of those times when you say something -- and then wish you could have the words back while you crawl into a hole? Here are some nifties from my buddy, the Teacher Woman:

"I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'"

"I was at a golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the woman's type the pro had sold me. After browsing for awhile, I found a clerk, who asked if he could help me. I said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'"

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'"

"Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day he and I stopped at a Taco Bell for lunch between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. I recalled that Danny had not gone potty for awhile. I said, 'Do you need to go potty?' He said, 'No.' But the smell continued to rise. I asked again, 'Danny, don't you need to go potty?' 'No!' he shouted. He pulled down his pants, bent over, spread his checks and said, 'See, it's just farts!'"

"What happens when you predict snow and don't get any? We had a female news anchor, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, who asked the co-anchor, 'So, Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'"

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My favorite word today is statesman. N., I don't remember anything bad about him. Def.: A dead politician.

A Thing That Goes Sorry in the Night

What I mean, is, I'm sorry I haven't published much lately. (This is a picture of me being sorry.) I am not sick, but I am not exactly well, either, so I have been going to this Doc and that Doc trying to get to be ordinary. Here's a sample:

9 a.m. -- Get new glasses. Cheap at Costco! Remove glasses when working at computer because my neck aches. Cheap is good, though.
10 a.m. -- Appointment with Dermatologist, who lays on me some 3M cream for a squamish cancer on my nose-bone. Claims it will fix me right up -- in six weeks!
11:15 a.m. -- Dr. Jimmy Dee, get cortisone shot for bad hip, which you didn't know about until now.
12:30 p.m. -- Get Tooth Dentist to grind a spot off my denture that is giving me fits.
2 p.m. -- Respiratory rehab, 9 weeks, twice a week.
3:30 p.m. -- Ear doctor, get new hearing aids. $1900 down the drain. (Well, only sort of, because I can now hear much better.)
4:15 p.m. -- Appointment with Stent Doc to see if new stent is in the right place (so far, so good). This replaces part of my abdominal aorta, which was, like, too wide, like.
4:30 p.m. -- Happy Hour, drown my sorrows.

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Now then, since this is all about me, I have to tell you that Scamp and I will be moving in November. Lately we have been packing books. I have 4 books to pack, and I am nearly done. Scamp has 4,000 books to pack and she is ahead of me.

(What is she doing with a book about Brain Disease? Did she know I was coming?)

On the front porch right now is a "gift" from UPS -- a new Weber grill. Is burning propane good or bad for global warming?

We are going to get a 37" TV, provided the kids take my broad hint. Right now, Scamp has teevees all over the house, but none of the screens is bigger than 13", and one of them is only 4". You cannot show a legal-sized trout on a screen that small.

Feelgood has been sniffing around ("Where we moving off to, Hoss?"). This is why I haven't told you, either.

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My favorite word today is Dubya. N., Texas weasel. Def.: Man given brain by mistake, since all he uses is his spinal cord.

It Takes One to Know One

I never eat catsup on my hot dog. So this fella on the left is very strange.

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"It's vile. It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction." --Ex.-Rep. Mark Foley, in 1998, on Bill Clinton.

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"I'm not, like, that smart." --Paris HIlton.

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"I think I know how to get my dog to stop eating poop. All I need to do is somehow find a way to make it taste bad." --Sebastian Pivnicka.

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"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they choose."

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The new political correctivity: Two kids out playing Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

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My favorite phrase today is less is more. N., an old, dreary adage. Def.: Nonsense. More is more, no less.

Be Good at This, Son

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son," he said. "Do your best. Just remember that if something happens to me, your mother is going to come live with you and your wife."

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The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied with life and long for your youth, remember Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old man says, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's okay. And what a coincidence -- I'm looking for my wife, too."

The first old guys says, "Well, maybe I can give you a hand. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. By the way, what does your wife look like?"

"Never mind," he says. "Let's look for yours."

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My favorite word today is trouble. N., right here in River City. What happens at your wedding when your bride gives you the wrong finger.

Like Grandpa Likes

A small boy is lost at a large shopping mall. He approaches a uniformed policeman and says, "I've lost my grandpa."

Policeman: "What's your grandpa like?"

Little boy: "Crown Royal and women with big tits."

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The only time a world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If Big Ernie had wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

It's not hard to meet expenses: They're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time wondering about the hereafter. I get to where I'm going then wonder what I'm here after.

If all is not lost, where is it?

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My favorite phrase today is c'est la vie. N., stupid French. Def.: So it goes.

What Happens to a Nuklar President

My tale of illness has reminded me of my mortality, which, of course, reminds me of reincarnation, since I don't plan to be gone for long.

Then I thought about George Dubya, and maybe he can recincarnate, too. So here is how this works:

I come back as Lance Armstrong on a bicycle, so as to combat global warming.

Dubya comes back as a oil well. What he don't know is that we're never going to tap it.

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This guy goes into an ice cream shop and asks for a sundae with extra hot fudge.

Waitress: "Hot fudge only comes in one temperature."

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The other guy goes into a shoe store, and tries some on.

"These feel a little tight," he says to the shoe salesman.

The shoe salesman bends down, looks, and says, "Try pulling the tongue out."

"Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

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Terrorists take over a hotel where 500 lawyers are convening.

"Meet our demands," the ransom note says, "or we will be releasing one lawyer every hour."

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My favorite phrase today is "The Story of the Hare and the Tortoise." N., see how they run. Def.: A little tale written for the tortoise market.

When You and I Were Old, Maggie

When you get old like me, you forget a lot. For instance, have I run this cartoon before? Was it funny then? Is it funny now? Which way does the cat have the toilet paper roll: over the top (correct), or under the bottom (way incorrect)? Do cats need toilet paper? Let me tell you why I was sick.

I was sick because I had a relapse from surgery for my aneurysms. It is not good to be under the weather, which is all it was. Here's what happened:

Feelgood Haines: "You shoulda stayed in the hospital one more day, Hoss."

Hoss: "Why is that?"

Feelgood: "Nurses kind of relax around you, and you get a chance to cop a feel."

I am now well. Feelgood is nursing a black eye.

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Classified Ad:

"2006 Suzuki GSXR 1000. This bike is perfect. It has 1,000 miles and has had its 500-mile dealer service (very expensive). It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I am selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently, 'Do whatever the f*** you want' doesn't mean what I thought. Call Steve, 555.xxxx."

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My favorite word today is old. N., I knew her when. Def.: Being complimented on your alligator shoes when you're going barefoot.

Moon on a Stick

Sorry, but I cannot remember who first came up with the idea for "Moon on a Stick." It was such a grand idea for drivers who have nothing better to do than to "stick" it to tailgaters.

Maybe in was Jamie Dawn who called my attention to this. Anyway, my pal Scamp has taken the idea to its logical conclusion, hence this picture. Lovely, what?

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A man and a woman go into a restaurant. The waiter says the specials of the day are spiced almond chicken, or fresh fish.

The woman says, "I'll have the chicken."

The waiter says, "And for the vegetable?"

She: "He'll have the fish."

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

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My favorite word today is woman. N., sweet Adeline. Def.: How Big Ernie rectified his first mistake.

Sick, Sick, Sick

I been sick. I am getting well. This post is not even worth a Short Shrift. Pish.


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The airliner was pushed back from the gate. The flight attendant gave the passengers the usual data regarding seat belts, oxygen hoses, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Julia Campebell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, sought clarification. "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," replied the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My goodness," said Ed. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with all these women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing, sir," said the attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit. It's the box office."

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My favorite word today is sunrise. N., what some people never see. Def.: Ever try to slip one of these past a rooster?

This Could Have Been About Mr. Ed

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for more than 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, she was told by Dr. Chang, "Okay, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room," he said. Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Change then said, "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Change shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh, my goodness, Dr. Chang. What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and said, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

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My favorite word today is transvestite. N., I thought it was somebody else. Def.: A person who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Why We Love Lawyers

Sign on a Vancouver, WA, coffee shop: Bean Me Up.
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Good name for a band: Room in My Shorts.

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"I now pronounce you husband and wife. Side effects may include headaches, weight gain, irritability, mild depression, tantrums...."

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A lawyer riding in his limo sees two men along the roadside, eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have money for food," says he. "We have to eat grass."

The lawyer says, "Come home with me and I'll feed you."

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other man, he said, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But, sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me."

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for thinking of all of us."

The lawyer replied, "Think nothing of it. You'll love my place. The grass is at least a foot high."

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My favorite word today is government. N., the big sissy in the sky. Def.: The only ship that leaks from the top.

Rabbit! Rabbit! Pig! Pig!

Normally I don't post on Sunday, but since this is the first of the month I had to get my Rabbit! Rabbit! missive on here.

See, what you do is you say Rabbit! Rabbit! on the first, and you'll have good luck all month long. Notice, for instance, that I came out of my operation alive. Scientists say this is all good.

Note also that I have covered my bets with the chickens, ducks, pigs and cats. I think mebbe I get me a lottery ticket.

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This also is the first day of my two-day birthday. And my Scamp will have a birthday on Oct. 4. And our daughter will have a birthday on Oct. 28. And our son will have a birthday on Nov. 17.

See, we grew up in poor families, so it was good to lay around in bed in January and February. To keep warm.

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My favorite word today is attorney. N., first thing we do is kill all the lawyers. Def. A guy who proves that talk is NOT cheap.

Short Shrift Saturday #42

After 15 years of marriage, a man and a woman go see a counselor. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they've every had in their marriage. She goes on and on....and on.

The counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

"There!" says the counselor. "That's what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The man ponders and says, finally, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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Most women have two complaints: They have nothing to wear -- and not enough closet space for it.

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My favorite word today is assault. N., quite a good race horse. Def.: What you throw over your left shoulder to avoid bad luck.

Once in a Nutshell

A b**g address, www.onesentence.org, asks people to tell their story, briefly -- that is, in one sentence. These are insignificant stories, everyday stories, or turning-point-in-your-life stories, boiled down to their bare essentials. For instance:

I stopped hurting myself a long time ago because I got bored, not because I got better.

Then, after hearing about fecal aerosols, I never flushed with the lid up.

As the Lithuanian midget, that was only known to me as Betrinka, flipped the homemade Madonna tape in her transistor radio, I realized that asking for "a little fun" in Prague meant something wholly different than in the United States.

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Put down the phone and nobody will get hurt.

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Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Then another day went by, then another.

Sam didn't know what to do, since he had no idea where Bill lived. And so a month went by.

Then, one day, Sam went to the park and there was Bill. "For crying out loud, Bill, where have you been?" Sam asked.

Bill: "I've been in jail."

Sam: "What for?"

Bill: "Well, you know that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop?"

Sam: "Yeah, what about her?"

Bill: "One day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded guilty. And the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

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My favorite word today is drama. N., oh bury me not on the lone prairie. Def.: Life, with the dull parts left out. --Alfred Hitchcock.

In Came the Doctor With a Great Long Knife....

This does not look much like a Happy Camper. Well, of course I wasn't. Only a sap would look good in this outfit. (Which reminds me I look pretty good in this outfit.)

See, what they did was......well, I guess I don't know what they did. I was knocked out before I got to the operating room. That ever happen to you? You're looking forward to seeing all the people assembled for your day in the sun and they wipe you out halfway to purgatory?

Then they put in this thing called a stent, which is prounounced like a stint, which is what end men in the old minstrel shows used to do. You know, like a piece, or a bit, or a cameo. The Doc said they had to mistrackle the boombatz before they could offwheel the noodnik, which sounded good to me. Bought him a new Cadillac, so what the hell.

(Sorry the picture only shows one of my breasts.)

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In much happier times, Scamp gave me a flower, a datura, which is known to me as Angel's Trumpet. What you do, see, is try to get a little edge before you go into the hospital because you never know what those Mercedes buyers are going to do to you. So I wore me a Angel's Trumpet, which is just as good as Gabriel, who was almost as good as Kid Ory.

Some days Ol' Hoss don't make much sense. So it goes.

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My favorite word today is hate. N., have you hugged a Muslim today? Def.: The result of not being nice.