Not All the Children Are Brainiacs

Here are some excerpts from actual history essays by schoolchildren, from the book "Mr. McGreevey's Absolute Howlers."

"In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java."

"When Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops, they all shouted 'hurrah'. Then her Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."

"In the middle of the 18th Century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"When things didn't go as planned, Stalin used the peasants as escape goats."

"When Caesar was assassinated, he is reported to have said, 'Me too, Brutus.'"

"President Carter faced the Iran Hostess Crisis."

"The USA and USSR became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent."

"The Wholey Roman Empire amazed many when it was found in Germany."


"Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'"

"Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large."

"The Jews were a proud people but always had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals."

"Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion."

"A major discovery was made by Mary Leakey, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind."

"Pompeii was destroyed by an overflow of saliva."

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My favorite word today is pew. N., don't sit in it. Def.: A medieval torture device still found in many churches.

Turnabout Is Fairest Play

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest responded.

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nuded the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope has it."

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A Texan wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many boioks on the subject and, finally, after getting all the necessary tools he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly -- from the sky -- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a Thermo of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager."

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My favorite word today is choir. N., mama sang bass, daddy sang tenor... Def.: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the church-goers to lip-sync.

Drink to Me Only With Thine Barista

Rattling around in my email, I found these Starbuckian treasures. Hoo boy, some peeps is really clever.













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The trouble with some women is they get all excited over nothing -- and then they marry him anyway.

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A friend confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 children, but she didn't really seem to care.

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My favorite word today is recessional. N., something between classes in grade school. Def.: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of church services led by parishioners trying to beat the crown to the parking lot.

Meet Mr. Studley

I am browsing the Internet and lo the behold what should appear but eight tiny bulls.....

Really, this lady and her hubby are touring the Iowa State Fair and looking at the bulls. She sees one that says: "This bull mated 200 times last year."

"Holey moley," she pipes up. And says to her hubby, "You could learn something from him."

Then they walked to another pen, where there is another bull, and a sign there that says, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke her hubby's ribs. "That's once a day," she said. "You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The hubby looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

They told him his condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and that he should make a full recovery.

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A religious young woman went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, and then said: "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked: "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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My favorite word today is justice. N., one of the seven deadly sins. Def.: When kids have kids of their own.

Sweet Addle Mine

Did you ever make a phone call that ended this way? You ring some company, and the answer is, "Oh, could you please hold for a minute?" Then you are put on hold before you can say "No."

Ten minutes go by, and she returns to the phone, breathless: "Is anyone helping you?" "No," you say, "I've been on hold for the last 10 or 11 minutes."

"Oh, dear, you should have called earlier. Our office hours are 8 to 5 p.m. Pacific Time. Try us tomorrow."

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Pike's Peak isn't a peak at all. It's a crater. If only looks high because the area around it is so much lower.

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Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.

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What really addles me is how to build a car. I mean, do you first stand one tire up and start connecting things to it? Where do the other three tires come in? When do you put in the axles and/or rods and gas tanks? Where should we put the electrical outlets?

Maybe if you got me started I could wing it. Maybe not, though.

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When I was about 14 I retired. See, I was making $250 a month (this was in 1944, when $250 could be counted as My Pile). In fact, a fella could get by on $200 a month. You might not be able to buy much wine, but, of course, nobody drank wine back then. We drank beer, lots of it.

The other reason I was able to retire was I was in such good health. I could never figure out people nowadays, who work till they're 65 and all decrepit. No, the thing is you want to retire early, while you're feeling good.

Too bad you can't go back to age 14 with your $250 a month and retire. Well, that is, YOU can't. I can, since I plan to reincarnate pretty soon.

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Another thing I can't build are steamships. Maybe if somebody gave me a map....Nah, I think I'll just go ahead a retire as a steamship builder. It will look good on the old resume.

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My favorite word today is procession. N., pump the circumstance. Def.: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Hold Me Tightly

They were together in the house. Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly.

Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance, and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed.

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist, but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on. They knew it was wrong....

Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their fear that they heard no opening of doors, just the faint click of a camera....



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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops, and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting with a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, then turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

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My favorite word today is cannibal. N., anything good in the pot, Ma? Someone who is fed up with people.

The Picture Fiend Strikes Again

(Once again, I remind you that I am a guest poster at Tisha's place, where today we are showing some of George W's tongue twisting.)

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Yes, I know this is St. Patrick's Day. Foo foo raw. Green beer. Pig's butt.

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When I am not otherwise occupied, I am taking pictures (and I also am sleeping, writing my b**g, drinking vodka, sleeping, and eating my wonderful Sylvia's food). So here is a ferinstance.

I show you this because this is a Christmas Cactus. And I just took this picture three days ago. This is not Christmas. But it is still a Cactus. Christmas won't happen for, say, two or nine months from now, depending upon how soon the shopping season starts, so obviously this Cactus is a little Calcified. This very same Cactus also bloomed last Christmas, so you know it's got a little sense. Anyway: Pretty, ain't it?

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Picture No. 2 (I am so prolific) is of a Goldfinch, slowly morphing into breeding season.

See, Goldfinches (Goldfinchi?) turn kind of mystic in the off season, looking more like house finches. But when spring rolls around, wham! bam! thank you Sissy. The males turn bright yellow and they are a sight to behold. This here goldfinch has got a leg (ho ho har de har har) up on most of the rest of the flock, so it might be the first to breed. If it can find a willing female. If....

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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My favorite word today is relics. N., your basic leftovers. Def.: People who have been going to mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

Ten Commandments Just Don't Cut It

A news story is titled: "Vatican Updates Its Thou-Shalt-Not List".

This is not, really, news. Last year the Vatican took on the problem of highway accidents, issuing a kind of "Ten Commandments" for drivers against the sins of road rage, alcohol abuse, and even rudeness behind the wheel (gimme dat finger, holy holy, gimme dat finger, glory hallelujah).

Other sicknesses that need to be added: Ecstasy, LSD, methamphetamine, and cloning of cows. Really. That's what they're after. And cows and sheep that put out all that methane. Don't get me started on bad recyclers.

Oh, another grim reaper: Scandal and sin within the church (meaning: priests buggering the choir boys). But with the latest round of payouts, the church is really doing something about an age-old sin: Taking from the rich and giving to the poor.

So I have added up all the sins, new and old, and have a new total: The 666 Commandments.

How's that, Lucifer?

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You ain't never seen no magic till you see what this guy can do.

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Dear Hoss:

My 12-year-old son is becoming a real burden. He thinks he is old enough to operate the can opener and I think he should wait until he is 13. Everything happens at age 13, you know: A child becomes a teenager and hell won't wait till he gets his first piece of ass. I don't think they's made a can opener that will let a 12-year-old open a chastity belt, but maybe this is not news to you. You seem to be way ahead of the life and times.

S/West Virginia Mountain Momma

Dear Mommer:

I don't think they make 12-year-olds like they used to. In the old days, they was sweet-smelling choir boys whose business got minded by the priest. Maybe it would be okay for him to get a piece of ass before his ass gets pieced out. Sort of preparing him for finer things, don't ya know?

Way, Way Ahead Ol' Hoss

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My favorite word today is amen. Adj., don't sleep where they can see you. Def.: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

In the "Good" Old Days

You know who has all the fun? It's gotta be we old people, right? Look here to see what we're up to now.

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Speaking of which, old magazine ads also have all the fun. Check these jewels.







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More from the ancient peever:

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people just didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age. And I have decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but are you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for people my age, and calling it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers.

Employment application blanks always ask "Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?" I think we should write: "A Good Doctor."

Why do they put pictures of criminals in post offices? Why don't they just arrest them while they're taking the pictures?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They were cramming for their finals.

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My favorite word today is skeleton. N., connected to the hip bone. Def.: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Suicide for the Self

You may not know it, but I continue to guest post over at Tisha's place. Some mighty thoughtful thoughts over there, pardner.

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How's about an advertisement banned in the United States? Would you believe censorship has reared its mighty might? It is not banned for us who cleverly slide around it, though, so take a peek here.

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Listen: Did you know an AM radio also can be used in the PM?

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I could do better than this If My Nose Was Running Money. At least I think so.

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A dentist noted that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous. So, he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he said, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. Oh well, he thought. At least I tried.

Five minutes later, during a sensitive part of the operation, the little old lady burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made."

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When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite hobby, fishing! I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me. But she never did like fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait and Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner. It turned out Sam likes bass fishing just about as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, but a few minutes later Sam caught what must have been his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass we caught and showed the picture to the wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

But, instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore. And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? This is a real dillemer.

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My favorite phrase today is electile dysfunction. N., are there pills for this? Def.: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President*.

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*(Except Obama, of course.)

I Am a Sucker for Memories

Miz Mell has tagged Ol' Hoss with a short meme, and lucky she did for I found some jewels in following the rules.

What Mell said to do was find a book with at least 123 pages, find the fifth sentence on the page, and then publish the next three sentences. Ho ho har de har har. Look how Hoss lucked out:

"Why is getting to level four of Tomb Raiders no problem but to have a simple conversation I had to stand on a hilltop with my nuts wrapped in tinfoil? When it comes to cell phones, I just need the basics: something that rings at inappropriate moments, interferes with airplane safety, and gives me a brain tumor.

"Don't try to talk to me about Desperate Housewives. If I had the slightest interest in other people's sex lives, I'd be a Republican."

(You'll never find three better sentences than these I got out of "New Rules," by Bill Maher.)

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Just think: In about 7-8 months you will be raking leaves again. And here's what's wrong with that.

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A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. Whether this is aprochyphal, I don't know. But it's cute. Here are various and assorted proverb endings that her students delivered:

Better to be safe than...........Punch a fifth grader.
Strike while the.................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of....Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...How?
Don't bite the hand that........Looks dirty.
No news is......................Impossible.
A miss is as good as a..........Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.....Math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..Stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................Me.
The pen is mightier than the....Pigs.
An idle mind is.................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's....Pollution.
Happy the bride who.............Gets all the presents.
A penny saved is................Not much.
Two's company, three's..........The Musketeers.
Don't put off til tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
None is so blind as.............Stevie Wonder
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
cry and..........You have to blow your nose.

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My favorite word today is secret. N., now don't pass this on.... Def.: Something you tell to one person at a time.

I Get the Blues When It Don't Rain

I have run (ranned?) across this Internet magician who has some good stuff. For instance, if you want him to make a girl vanish, just say so.

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So, you need to know how to become a Blues Musician. Here's how:

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like: "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. No way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot, or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
A. Highway
B. Jailhouse
C. Empty bed
D. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
A. Nordstrom's
B. Gallery openings
C. Ivy League institutions
D. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happened to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
A. You older than dirt
B. You blind
C. You shot a man in Memphis
D. You can't be satisfied

14. You can't sing the Blues if:
A. You have all your teeth
B. You were once blind but now can see
C. The man in Memphis lived
D. You have a 401k or a trust fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are cheap wine, whiskey or bourbon, muddy water, nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, Slimfast.

17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have the Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

18. Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
A. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
B. First name (see above) plus name of fruit: Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
C. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example:

Blind Lime Jefferson
Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore (well...maybe not Kiwi...let's think here....)

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My favorite word today is raisin. N., in the sun? Def.: Grape with a sunburn.

The Story of the Moral Is....um...I Forget

Here it is, the day for Perfect Posts and Perfect Rabbits. Kimberly, one of the inventors of Perfect Post, lets me know that this is the 2nd anniversary of the award. How time flies when you're having flies. I will get back to my selection for Perfect Post in a moment, but first:

Yes, on the first third of the month is when we go Rabbit! Rabbit!, and all month long we will have good luck. You, too, can have lovely luck if you just say Rabbit! Rabbit! You don't really need the picture.

I was taught (by the Pez Family) to say Rabbit! Rabbit! on the first of the month. But, see, sometimes the first happens on a Saturday or Sunday when we're not awarding the Perfect Post, so then we....oh, never mind.

My Perfect Posterino goes to Texans Gone East, a family that moved from Tex to Singapore. Go here to see the column that I thought would chuckle you up.

To see other Perfect Post winners, go where Momma K, and Lucinda make their posts.

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Our favorite patsy, George W., is the star of Funniest Video of the Year, which is a few takes from his speeches. It is funny (you know how Dubya can be), and you can call it up here.

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Recently, the Washington Post asked its readers to make up new meanings for words beginning with A through H. Some of what I liked best:

Airstrip. To pretend to take off your clothes.

Blunderbuss. To French-kiss the boss's wife at the office Christmas party.

Coliseum. Lassie finds Timmy.

Electrons. Supporters of Rep. Paul.

Endow. To sit on a tack.

Exorbitant. A former astronaut.

Footstool. Dog doo that's stuck on your shoe.

Harlot. Someone who will laugh on and on at any stupid joke the boss makes. Ho ho har de har har.

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My favorite phrase today is ground round. N., related to Salisbury Steak. Def.: The circle you make in the dirt for a game of marbles.

Can You Heal Me Now?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name of the patient, and the room number?"

The grandmother, in a weak, tremulous voice, said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news! Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That is so wonderful! God bless you for the good news."

The operator said, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one around here tells me shit."

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Sometimes good stunts work out; sometimes they don't. You can be the judge of this one, where a young lad is attempting to scare his kid sister.

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Mother Superior called the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God!," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of peaches."

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, then running into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of the stairs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The husband said, "Oh, my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff? Mountain stuff? Golf stuff?"

It doesn't matter," she says. "Just get out."

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My favorite word today is debate. N., I smell something. Def.: What fish in schools are looking for.

Fee Fie Fo Fum, I Smell Something

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.


She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him. He told her there were only three things that he feared:

1) Osama

2) Obama

3) And Yo Momma



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Ho ho har de har har. I love this work.

Meanwhile, not many of you (none, actually) know that I am a client of Hospice. If you don't know what Hospice is, I will give you a short version. This organization cares for the ill who have six months, or less, to live. This is a neat deal. Hospice prescribes some medicine that gives me comfort, and I (my helpmate, Scamp) goes to get it and it's free. Free is a very good price.

If you haven't been here when I was complaining, what I am dying of is COPD, a pulmonary disease brought on by 55 years of smoking. Howsomeever, I am not complaining much, because I think the doctors who think I am going to die in six months are off by, oh, six years.

There is a problem with this. If I don't die in six months, they might quit giving me the free medicine. This is a woe-maker, because some of this stuff costs more than $100 a month. And I don't get a lot of $100s a month each month.

So I guess the question is: Should I die before the money runs out?

The answer: Hell, no. Don't die at all!!

This is where it stands.

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My favorite word today is death. N., the last part of the bell curve. Def.: Something men do before their wives because they want to. (Ho ho har de har har de har de har har. I crack myself up.)

Who Was That Masked Fella?

I am here in Northeast Oregon, spyin' the grounds. Kid Relish* is over yonder, about 45 degrees and 500 (700?) feet away. What we're spyin' is she-wolves.

First, though, we have to consider the enviro: It is f**king cold. And I don't know how I am gonna get out of bein' cold without shuckin' out some blankets. So, I do. Except Kid Relish doesn't. He just stays more or less bare-ass naked. Which brings us back to where it all began. If anybody cares. Try this:

Some yahoo decided to reintroduce wolves into the Yewnited States, over in Yellowstone, where they had been shot out of. So they did, and, wolves being wolves, they made more wolves, and these wolves started migratin' here and there and first thing you know they is in Oregon.

Kid Relish then called Ol' Hoss and says: "Wanna shoot some wolves?"

So, shit, as they say: We are up to our armpits in quandaries: Shoot wolves? I have never seen a wolf, much less drawed down on one. So, I said, "Sure."

We get some snowshoes and some .30-.06 rifles and head out to Northeast Oregon.

Wasted trip. Oh, we got out there okay, but it still was a bust. First wolves we saw ate Kid Relish and I didn't stick around to see who got his snowshoes. So it goes.

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My doctor wanted me to take these pills made out of seashells. Abalone; mother of pearl; nacre; all that shit. Said it would be good for calcifying my boners bones.

So I did. Now I am pissing pearls. Kid Relish (somehow he got away) says he'll make me a tiara, which would be fine except I ain't no girlie girlie. No, not me. I shoot wolves, remember? Real he-fella.

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My favorite word today is adult. N., at least 18, maybe 21. Def.: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

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(*Kid Relish was invented by Latigo Flint, a b**gger who has disappeared from view, and we are all poorer for it.)

When Chefs Get Bored

Here's what happens when your favorite chef is about to nod off from lack of a challenge. So if you don't want to see him toying with the grub, come up with something interesting, like, order Haggis.









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Dog For Sale

Free to Good Home......Excellent Guard Dog

Owner cannot afford to keep him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as "Holy Shit!!"



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My favorite word today is change. N., when they gonna get rid of them pennies? Def.: Inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Bush Says Hello

When Dubya responds, he doesn't necessarily mean it. Right?

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This friend has a Dad in a nursing home, suffering from Alzheimer's. So he tries to cheer him up:

"Hey, Dad, Easter is coming up. Ain't that swell? You'll be able to hide your own eggs."

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So this guy asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, my fiance and I would like your permission for us to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So," the guy says, "after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," says the Mullah. "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the young man. "What about sex? Can we have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah. Sex is OK within marriage to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it."

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together, on rubber sheets, with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

"You may indeed!" enthuses the Mullah.

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No," says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

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My favorite word today is egotist. N., have I told you lately about how swell I am? Def.: Someone who's usually me-deep in the conversation.

I Don't Know How This Was Done

I will confess right off: I do not know how this Terrific Illusion was put together. I don't know: Maybe it isn't a trick. Maybe it's magic. I sure hope so.

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Open Letter to All Men:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to tell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Clubhouse so eating out again wouldn't be a good idea. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, I tell her, as long as she is making one for herself to make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in tnhe way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult. Some would find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

S/Jim.

(Jim died suddenly on February 9 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife, Peggy, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that somehow Jim, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club while waiting for her to finish making dinner.

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My favorite word today is mosquito. N., bzz, bzz, toil and trouble. Def.: An insect that makes you like flies better.

The Back of Me Hand to Ya

(I am guest posting for awhile over at Tisha Sharp's place, which you find here. Never seen before stuff. Well, at least not by me.)

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I got some Clinton stuff that needs cleaning up. Good stuff, too.

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"Dear Abby:

"My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everthing. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

"Signed: Clueless:

"Dear Clueless:

"Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

"Act like one."

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Bill may not have a real job. But Dave Letterman has someone much like Bill running an Escort Service.

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Hillary was sworn in as President. She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this.

First Night: Suddenly, the ghost of George Washington appears to her. Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch," says Hillary. "I don't know about that."

Second Night: The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

Hillary responds, "Oooo, I really don't want to do that. What do they know?"

Third Night: On the next night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears before her. Hillary says, "How best can I serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"

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My favorite word today is chickens. N., stop squawking; you never had it so good. Def.: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.