An Adventure in Fine Dying and Dining

As you know, I spend a lot of time writin' about dyin' and shit. Now then, I ain't fixated on dying. I like breathing just as much as the next horse's ass. What I mean to emphasize is my fixation on What Comes Next. And here's where it gets sticky. See, there's all kinds of guessworks about What Comes Next:

1. Heaven
2. Hell
3. Hang around on earth as a ghost
4. Merge into somebody else's body (this one is tricky, on account of some bodies are better than others; see Lindsay Lohan, Rosie O'Donnell)
5. Reincarnate
6. Dust to dust in a coffin
7. Ashes to ashes in an urn
8. Medical School cadaver
9. Organs donator
10. The Slow Rot (where you die and nobody finds you for a couple of years)
11. Go into a "disease fixit shop" after 40-50 years in a cryogenics lab

Anyway, if you're going to keep breathing you need to eat well, and this is where my latest invention comes in. (I need to keep inventing stuff so I can Make My Pile. My Last Will and Testimony specifies that I have opted for No. 5, above, in case No. 1 is closed off, which it will be.)


This invention is so inventive that I'm suprised my buddy Bill Gates didn't think of it. It is based on the "eat your vegetables" principle. Some people just don't like turnips or broccoli or rutabagas or pureed carrots or salsify or squash or spinach or collard greens or okra or black-eyed peas, which make up the 10 basic food groups, I think. Some people can't eat bread because of the gluten. And some people are allergic to bovine milk.

The solution: Ol' Hoss's One Food Fits All.

My scientists have developed a formula where all vegetables, all bread, all milk, all rice, all kumquats and mangoes will look the same but be made out of, and taste just like, Tenderloin Steak. (For people who don't like beeve, these things will be made out of abalone.) You won't ever have to threaten the kids again. They'll be rooting for vegetables in their lunch boxes. They'll want okra snacks after school, and cookies and tenderloin milk at bedtime.

I'll take my time getting this off the ground so's you have time to invest in a feedlot.

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My favorite word today is peeve. Vb., Ode to a Grecian Urn. Def.: Bitching about the loss of the word "gay" as a synonym for frolicsome, even though you never used it anyway.