Is This Idea Any Stinking Good?

Thinking is probably the most popular activity in The Old Folks' Home. You can only play dominoes, bingo and cards for so long, and then the fights break out. I do my best thinking at any time that I want, which is why I am so versatile. Not everybody can think all the time.

What I think about most is How to Get Rich, as I've explained past-wise. See, if I Make My Pile, when I go belly up in the fish tank I can have my body shot into space for preservation and enhancement. On the other hand, if I decide to go the reincarnation route, I will have a lot of money stashed away in Switzerland to make my comeback as a Internet writer.

I still haven't decided what to reincarnate as. Some people think it would be fun to get reborn as Bill Clinton. I don't know about that. I don't think I'd be good at giving blow jobs. But I haven't given it a lot of thought 'cause there ain't any money in it.

Whate I HAVE thought up is my latest money-making schemeroo, an invention I have named "Hoss's Musical Manhole Cover." Here's the description I gave to the Patent Leather Office:

A "Manhole Cover" is sort of a diaper that covers up a guy's shithole. Naturally, like any diaper it will keep little crumblets of crap from going into a guy's pants and then falling on the floor, so that's a plus. But this brand new item is much, much more. See, I am building in a little musical device that will come into play in case the wearer "lets one go."

The way farts are today, they just come out all seepily or noisily, with odor. Fart, though, into a Hoss Musical Manhole Cover and the fart gas is converted into music. So far I have successfully tested sounds of kazoo and music box (I imagine there will be a lot of variations, like maybe for trombone in D minor). The Manhole Cover will be lined with charcoal to assimilate the odor.

This will be of massive benefit to society. Men will be able to fart all they want. No more holding it in during church services. You could accompany the choir with your own personal flute music. Just let 'er fly, and some of the finest sounds this side of a Swiss yodel will come oozing out of your jeans.

Better sell your Beano and Pepcid stock. In the future Hoss envisions, gas will be a good thing.

Be the first on your block to own one. $9.95 at Target, $8.97 at Walmart.

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My favorite word today is screwed. n., old reo-ism. The wistful watching of your ride circling the block once again.

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I ask you:

If a ventriloquist throws his voice out, is he eligible for worker's comp?