Interesting Experiences You Can Buy

Not everybody is rich like you. Some of us have to scrape for every penny to make meat ends.

You're probably sick of hearing it, but Ol' Hoss desperate needs to Make My Pile if I'm going to be able to afford one of them Jack Kennedy-style horsetrot funeral processions down Pennsylvania Avenue. Or maybe a Gambino crime family 40 Cadillacs-style slow tour of downtown New York on the way to the St. John's Cemetery, where Lucky Luciano and Vito Genovese are buried. Anything that suits my exalted but penniless station in life.

So here's my current thinking on How to Get Rich. I will soon be selling Mail Order Near Death and Other Bad Experiences. (Once again, I have beat my buddy Bill Gates to the finish line. Turn the other cheek, Bill.)

You might wonder why you would want to buy a Bad Experience. Well, let's face it. You have about run out of things to tell people like my buddy Susie, who is a therapist. So to brighten her day you need some weird stuff that has got you in turmoil, even if it's somebody else's turmoil. You do not want to disappoint a therapist; she is counting on you to have bad things to report.

Here is a description of a For Instance that you can buy and call your own:

"I was walking down a long hallway when, in the distance, I saw someone I vaguely knew. We pretended we didn't know each other, in a vain effort to avoid recognition over the whole length of the corridor. The distance between us didn't slacken fast enough, so the half-smiles on our faces took on a glacier-like quality. To break the tension, we each examine the ceiling and walls of the hallway. A sign on the wall says 'Fallout Shelter.' I break out my Blackberry and make a note. Then I randomly punch in other codes hoping this might transport me to a friendlier place where there is beer instead of a long hallway containing two semi-acquaintances who, somehow, must get over the queer feeling that we both should be embarrassed. The other person, a woman, suddenly recognizes me and calls out, 'Oh, it's you! Good grief!' The worst is over. We pass each other, doffing sick grins."

Now then, chances are that two or more of you are going to be visiting my Susie, so you will need different stories. Here are some other titles:

"While near death, I hovered over my doctor's shoulder as he removed my uterus and slyly implanted a tracking device as required under the Patriot Act."

"I awoke to find myself in a strange bedroom where the gay lifeguard was giving me lip service."

"I dreamed I was in Thailand ministering to conjoined felines, the first Siamese twin cats."

These are strictly cash and carry. If you cannot find a Pay Pal button on my site, it means I am sold out.

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My favorite word today is invisible. adj., from Claude Rains. Def.: How the best piece you have ever written appears on Blogger when you click "Publish."