Speaking Up to Make My Pile

Thanks to all for the kind words about my daughter's piece on this site yesterday. We are mightily buoyed.

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My good buddy Vicki thinks I might be able to Make My Pile by giving commencement speeches. For those of you who don't know about my all-consuming need to Get Rich, I need a lot of money to pay for my lavish funeral, which entails a trip to the Andromeda Galaxy for a Storied Restoration of a Misspent Youth.

Bein's how I am such a succulent speaker, I think I WILL INDEED make myself available to give commencement or matriculars, whichever comes first. Below is my boilerplate speech to high school students. I would ask you to suggest improvements but that would be like King Midas asking for more gold. I mean, what's the point?

STUDENTS OF MANY DUMBNESS, LEND ME YOUR HARKEN

Students, today is the last day of your life. If there are any cucumbers growing under your chair, it is to remind you that you are about to harvest the crispy goodness of the multiple choice.

You now no longer need to remember that it was true/false King Arthur who wenched Excalibur from the stone. Nobody gives a shit about King Arthur anymore.

In fact, nothing of what you have learned in high school will be useful anytime, anywhere. Your memories of these years will be about sex, booze and mirthless teachers. Please note that the ability to whistle while you work is no longer in demand.

Ventricles!! You should have studied ventricles! Ventricles and aortas will always be in demand. You should have well noted the utter advantage of opposable cloven hooves, of which ventricles are not a part.

Martha Stewart pleated pink plaid tampons. Vivisection. Study war no more. These are fairly important.

You strived for greatness!! No cigar.

Many of you will be going to college. You will not learn anything there except that the books are more expensive and arcane. The beer tastes the same in college as it did in high school.

Transmit sexual disease as much as you can, then study the transmission of sexual disease for your Master's thesis. You will need at least a Master's degree to put bread and water on the table.

Many of you will instead go to The School of Hard Knocks. Load up on credit cards and get your first bankruptcy out of the way early. It is The American Way.

Stop to sniff the Mexican Hairless. Great Danes are tall enough to hump your abs.

There is a large market for elephant growers.

Global warming will arrive stealthily, like panty creep.

There are only two things certain in life: Death and composting.

Let us pray:

People who write on shithouse walls
Should roll their shit in little balls.
People who read these words of wit
Should have to eat these balls of shit.

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My favorite word today is hippocampus. N., Ivyleagueism. Def. A series of buildings erected for the education of large animals.