Orcas Will Do Their All for Hoss

I didn't make any money yesterday. Sybil Ungentine held on until 9:55 p.m. and Lester Jammies won the pool. There's always a silver lining though: Tonight we got a Death Watch on Lester.

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If I can Make My Pile real soon, I might be able to live in a ritzier joint than The Old Folks' Home where I am presently tucked. See, when the menu here says "steak," it is really ground round, which the low lifes around here call hamburger, which it is. When it says crab, it means the imitation variety known as "krab." When it says pecan pie, you know they will be fresh out.

I want to get in some place that serves abalone twice a week, and filet mignon or New York steak all the rest of the time. Except for breakfast, when we would have chicken fried steak or T-bones, basted brown eggs and some of Angie's grits.

So what I'm thinking of doing is settin' up a business that sells Orca testicles. I imagine, given the rarity of this item, that it would command a premium price, which is what I'm always after. It's easier to Make My Pile in a seller's market.

What brought this to mind is the popularity, in Wyoming, of "Rocky Mountain oysters," which are sheep nuts. The most succulent sheep nuts are the ones that have been removed from the sheep by the teeth of their Basque shepherds. I am recruiting for Orca nut chewers, but don't have much hope for success. So I put out an advertisement for nut cutters from my spinoff company, "Orca Nut Harvesters," and some of Seven's deep sea diver buddies seem interested.

Now before you get PETA on my ass, don't worry about the Killer Whales that we will be denutting. We will only take one nut per customer Orca. Everybody knows that while it takes two to tango it only takes one to bango.

My buddy Mags in San Francisco tells me there's some Killer Whales in the San Diego Zoo, so I will get my cutters to practice down there, whenever we get clearance from the Zoo people. That shouldn't be a problem.

One thing I didn't think about: Do you fry Orca testicles, or bake 'em? Or crack 'em open like coconuts? Hoo boy. There may be some holes in my plan.

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My favorite word today is lost. n., a form of defeatism. Def.: The place you put your keys so you would remember where they are.