The Things That I Could Tell You

Carolina Sister to Ol' Hoss: "Mr. Snake, what's the difference between centipedes and millipedes?"

Hoss: "Nothin'. They taste the same."

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If I am ever going to finish telling you the 500 or 2,000 most notable things about me, I better get it on.

72. When I was about 4 (I am now 74 252/365ths), I had wild monster pigs under my bed. I know, you think every child has this "dream" about monsters under the bed. Well, I will have you know my story is TRUE. If it weren't true, why did my Dad let me get in bed with him and Mom?

73. When I was about 35 I had female problems. So I decided to commit suicide. I waded into the ocean up to my thighs. I was going to see how far I could swim toward China before I drowned. It was painfully cold, so I gave up committing suicide by ocean drowning. Then I thought about shooting myself, but that also seemed to involve a lot of pain. So here I am. I have always voted against pain.

74. I am quite a sports nut. I have participated in or played football, baseball, softball, basketball, track and field, hunting, fishing, golf, horseshoe pitching, badminton, ping pong, archery, gymnastics, boating, ice skating, roller skating, skiing, darts, billiards, snooker, slingshot, tag, king of the mountain, dodge ball, kick the can and hide-and-go-seek. All of these games have rules. There are no rules in curling, so I don't play that.

75. I used a bow and arrow up in Yakima, Wash., to bring down a 5-lb. carp. Carp are those things you clean on a cedar board, then you throw away the fish and eat the board. Did you know that Oregon Grape is not a grape?

76. When I worked for the tourist promotion wing of state government, I performed as a "model" so our staff photographers would have a warm body to show in the scenic pictures they were taking. We would use these pictures in advertisements to lure Californians to visit Oregon. Then once they got here we'd tell 'em to go home. "Don't Californicate Oregon."

77. Once while working for the touristy board I caught an 8-lb. brown trout in the Deschutes River near my hometown of Bend, Ore., while we were making an "action scene" for my photographer. The fish was too heavy for the gear I was using so the photog waded into the river and hoisted the beast up on the bank. This activity was on company time. Since I was smart for my age, I converted the fish to personal use.

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My favorite word today is Minniehaha. n., Minnesotadumbspeak. Def. 1: A titter; a giggle; a chuckle; a minor laugh. Well short of a guffaw. Def. 2: A chortle by a female mouse when Mickey slips on a banana peel.

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Never let religion get in the way of what you believe.