I Am So Relaxed

Of all the people in The Old Folks at Home where I live, I am probably the most easy goin'. In fact, I am probably the most easy goin' person in the whole City of Salem. I MIGHT be the most easy goin' person in Oregon, the Western United States, Kalamazoo, Oshkosh and Blue Ball, Pa.

I am loose. I kid you not: There has never been a bowel as loose as I am. I am so loose I would put a slip-knot to shame. Problems roll off my back like persimmons off a Pinto. This is because I am so easy-goin'. I am sure that I have put myself in a position to claim the title of "Easy Goin'-est of All Time."

I also am sure that if you say "easy goin'" real fast about 10 or 12 times you will wonder what the hell you're doing.

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Yesterday I wrote about Ol' Hoss's "Musical Manhole Cover," which converts farts into such tunes as "Classical Gas." I got criticized by some people for sayin' this item is for men, as if women don't ever "let one."

Look, if I had said the Manhole Cover would also be for Womenholes, there would have been hell to pay. About two-thirds of my readers are women, and I didn't wanna piss them off by insinuating that they occasionally fart. All of these women are really pretty and I am trying to get next to them. I may be dumb, but I am not stupid.

But, just in passing, I want it known that the "Manhole Cover" comes in a "One Size Fits All."

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Many of you may not have seen this. It's the description Darrel gives of himself on his "Other Brother" template:

"What a wise old Navajo Chief might say of me: 'Like the squirrel does store the fine pinion nuts, so does Other Brother hit softballs many many tree lengths, and then drink mightily and strong from the blood of grain.'"

Ernest Hemingway couldn't have said it purtier.

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My favorite word today is Uh-oh. n., Old English word meaning "uh-oh". Def.: The shame of being caught picking nose hairs.