Food for Thought & Explaining Hoss

Poor Fred Schmidlapp, guy on the second floor of The Home Where Our Roaming Days Are Over, gets teased a little. He's got a harelip, which means he talks funny. But Fred is a fun guy.

The other day Fred and I are at the neighborhood confectionery, where Fred asks the counterman, "How much are your cathews?" Counterman says, "$8.95 a pound." Fred says, "Whoa, thath pretty high. How much are your pitathios?" Counterman replies, "$9.95 a pound." Fred says, "Boy, thath really high. How much are your peanuth?" "They are $1.95 a pound," Counterman says. "Thath pretty high, but give me a pound of peanuth."

And then Fred says, "Thay, mithter, thankth for not makin' fun of my harelip." The counterman says, "I'm very sensitive to people making fun of handicaps. You see, I've got quite a large nose."

Fred: "Nose! NOSE! Your nuth are tho high I thought that wath your prick!"

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Your day would not be complete unless I told you some more things about Ol' Hoss the Mossback:

65. When I was growing up, I joined a kids' rifle club to learn how to shoot deer. I never got to shoot at any deer until about 50 years later. But one of the guys in the club did. He told me all about it: "I stalked that sucker for half a mile, then I got close. So I slipped a cartilage into my gun..." This is why I always vote for the close study of English as a first language.

66. I was about this age (66) when my brother-in-law talked me into going deer hunting over to Spanish Peak, about 180 miles to the east. On the second day there I shot a deer. On days 14-30 I ate deer. And then I had nothing to show for it. I guess it was a waste of time.

67. During World War II, it was a big thing for communities to organize scrap metal drives to get together stuff that could be melted down and used to make airplanes and guns and bullets and stuff. When I was 12, I scoured my neighborhood and collected 1,000 pounds of steel and iron. Got my name in the newspaper, the Bend Bulletin. Front page. I always vote for notoriety for Hoss.

The "worst" part of that drive was that the City of Bend donated a cannon that had been given to the city as a First World War memorial. I always wondered if it got made into another cannon.

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My favorite word today is augment. v., adj. beerspeak. The phrase you use to clarify the remarks of Augie Busch.

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Most panic attacks result from having to go to the bathroom and being unable to make up your mind what book or magazine to take with you.