It's Always All About Me

Well, I guess I lied. I told you I looked a lot like Marilyn Monroe, but I forgot she had long hair. I also told you I looked a lot like Nefertiti, but I forgot I don't look good in profile. I also told you I am really pretty. I guess you now know that that was the biggest lie of all. Instead, I am really handsome, sort of a cross between Robert Redford and Pierce Brosnan.

My grandson saw this picture and he said, "Hey, Mom, look. It's Elephant Man." I don't know what he meant, but I guess the Elephant Man was some pretty good looker. So, ladies, I hope you didn't fall on anything sharp when you swooned.

By the way, if I should ever say something like, "Come see me if you're ever in Salem," this is not an invitation. I would just say that to make you feel wanted.

In the interest of making this post entirely one-sided, here are some more of the 11,878 things about why I am so wonderful:

82. I have a miniature bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey that was given to me in 1974 by a friend. He wrote on the label: "Save this for the good times ahead." 1974 was my last good year, so I still have it. Maybe there will be some good times next year.

83. In 1942 I had a newspaper route delivering to Camp Abbott, south of Bend, Oregon, which was training grounds for soldiers fixin' to go to war. I sold papers to the dogfaces for .05 cents each. One day on leaving camp I took the wrong road, and walked two miles looking for my ride. I got picked up by some strangers and delivered home, in tears. They didn't mug me for my nickels.

84. Oregon has some geothermal sites. A lot of people in Klamath Falls heat their homes with hot water from underground. At Lakeview there is a place called Hunter's Lodge, which has a perpetual, small, geyser. I once stayed at Hunter's Lodge so I could watch the geyser. It gets pretty boring after about 10 minutes. Fortunately they also had a bar.

85. In the 1960's I would take my chain saw and pickup truck out into the woods to cut firewood. A friend had 50 acres of oak and fir; he let me cut oak, not fir. One day in the rain my pickup slid backward into a fir tree and I couldn't get unstuck. So I cut the offending fir tree at ground level, bucked it up, loaded up all the wood and branches, covered the stump with dirt and went home. I doubt my friend reads this stuff. I burned the evidence, anyway.

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My favorite phrase today is hard cheese. N., from Wisconsin cows. Def.: What unemployed dentists slip into your Velveeta.