A Lesson in Economics

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.

One day, Johnny was so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." But the girl said no.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money real fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees, and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls to try to find out what happened.

She responded: "The bastard used coins!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed off first. This natural selection is good for the group as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

Now then, as you know, excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, too, taking out the slowest and weakest brain cells first. This elimination of the slower brain cells in turn makes the brain a faster and more efficient machine, which is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

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My favorite phrase today is your will. N., keep me in mind. Def.: A dead giveaway.

Oldie Goodies

Here are new-or-ancient stingers:

Gladstone, member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

Disraeli responds: "That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of inadequacy." --Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow.

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner, writing about Ernest Hemingway.

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --Ernest Hemingway, about William Faulkner.

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." --Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde.

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --Thomas Brackett Reed.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde.

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Christmas cards for the psychiatrically challenged:

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and....

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me.

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My favorite word today is dye. N., part of the Tool and Dye Works. Def.: What occurs when she sees her first strands of gray hair.

Over the Foaming Main

Suddenly the shorelines north of Sydney were transformed into the Cappuccino Coast. Foam swallowed an entire beach and half of the nearby buildings in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales.




Some scientists say this is "too bad." Others say it's caused by a die-off plankton or algae which provides the mix of protein and oil, which the ocean whips into a giant foam. And this is all the clauses I am able to mix into one sentence.

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON tv?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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My favorite word today is electricity. N., a useful tool in the kitchen. Def.: This comes from electrons, like morality comes from morons.

Sweet and Shorts

Here's how Norman Rockwell would have portrayed a Redneck Thanksgiving.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. And added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter

Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

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Some of us will go a long way to get our Rabbit! Rabbit! See, what you do is say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of the month and you'll have good luck all month long. Seems to work for the lady who dreamt this up, Momma K, for she never has bad luck. (Me also, for that matter.)

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The teacher told his students: "Write an essay on whether the sun or the moon is more important, and defend your answer in 50 words or less."

The best response: "The moon is more important because it is already light during the day, making the sun useless."

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Take a look at how one country slows its speeders.

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Women only have two complaints: Nothing to wear, and not enough closet space for it.

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Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up. -- Confuscious.

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My favorite word today is inverse. N., the third pedal on a Model T Ford. Def.: How poets write.

Idiocy Coming Right Up

When the husband and wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their new car, they were told the keys had been locked in it. They went to the service shop where they found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As the husband watched from the passenger side, he tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," he announced to the mechanic, "it's open."

"Yeah," says the mechanic, "I already got that side."

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Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of 'Mother's Milk.'"

One student, who partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of even four or five. After pondering the question the student began to work. He wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to the mother.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote hurriedly:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

Worth an "A," don't you think?

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Idiot Alert No. 2

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was supposed to do. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded: "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

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My favorite word today is binoculars. N., lookin' cool, dude. People pay big money to go to the top of tall buildings so they can look through their binoculars at things on the ground.

This Celebration Never Ends

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God," said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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How would you like some free gas, as seen on the Tonight Show?

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it, saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling! We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade. "You probably don't want to do that. I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

Exclaimed the young, fried alien, "How did you know he was so dangerous."

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend, and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it is that you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

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My favorite phrase today is wha'sup. N., no, it's a whats-it. Def.: A small odd-shaped piece of plastic found in the bottom of a kitchen rummage drawer when spring cleaning or looking for Scotch Tape.

Give Me an Old-Timey Telephone

Sometimes a photographer hits it lucky, getting that "frozen in time" photo that he/she didn't realize he had until he gets it back from the print shop. Like these:











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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. And, that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be deciphered by pissing and moaning.

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My favorite phrase today is grown up. N., and I ate my peas. Def.: You, when you hear your favorite song in an elevator.

We Hit the Road Again

Scamp and I journeyed into Washington State a few days ago to see what evil lurks in the hearts of men.....Wait, no, I mean, to see what birds frolic there. Unhappily, not too many. This was nice, though: a geese family. The white thing at the bottom of the photo is a fence. I don't get around well, and it was either take this picture, or take none. Guess which I chose?

And then there is the crowd favorite, the red-winged blackbird. We have these at home, too, but I sort of liked seeing this one shining in the sun.

Later on I got a couple more pictures of ducks I hadn't seen before. But they stretch my imagination to know what they are. Better luck next time, Hoss.

So, if we don't get birds we get other mammalian life, like turtles. I visit some Florida b**g sites and they occasionally show turtles, as well. But I think theirs are bigger. I believe these dudes are what are known as Box Turtles. I don't think they make boxes.

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A riddle for you:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michel J. Fox has a little one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on three.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Ho

Ho

Har

de

har

har

The Answer: A last name. Heh.

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My favorite word today is pointless. Adj., that story you're telling is... Def.: Writing with a broken pencil.

Change Me

Hey, lookie here now, lend me your ears eyes, on accounta I got me an Obamar shirt.

Obama was huge in Oregon on Sunday, drawing 72,000 people to Tom McCall Waterfront Park. 'Twas the largest crowd of his campaign: we know how to do things up right.

I couldn't go on accounta my illness, but he knows I was there in spirits and vodka.

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Here's a root-toot-toot response for your answering machine:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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I sure wish I could spell more better good.


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A man walks injto the street and gets a taxi right away. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Oh, I don't know. There are always a few clouds hanging over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf like a pro. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. You should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which utensil to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Frank never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly shined -- he was the perfect man. Never made an error. No one could measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you manage to meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married the bastard's widow."

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My favorite phrase today is disremember me. N., relative of dotage. Def.: The collective name for things for which you find a use immediately after you're thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and burn it. Within 24 hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...

How to Settle an Argument

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alabama. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into your field. Now I want to retrieve it." But the old farmer said, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer, indignant now, said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in rural Alabama. We settle small disagreements with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until somebody gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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My favorite word today is whacko. N., don't forget the johdpurs. Def.: The final state of mind of a retired colonel just before they come to take him away.

Take Your Own Sweet Time

George Phillips of Meridian, MS, was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from her bedroom widnow. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw there were some people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, and and told them. "Is there any one of them in your house?"

He said "no," and was advised, "All our a patrols are busy, but just lock yuourself in the house and an officer would be shortly along when available.

George said, "Okay," counted to 100 and phloned up the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things out of my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them anymore because I just shot them."

Within three mintues six police cars, a SWAT gteam, a helicopter, two paramedics, and an ambulance showed up at Phillips' residence amd caught the burglers red-handed, who had not been shot, after all.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avpoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop them.

2. Avoid argument with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pain in your veins. Rememember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a few teaspoons of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

6. You will only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.

DEEP THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

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If you ever get the urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windix first. It'll keep you from streaking.

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My favorite word today is shitamighty. N., I should have stretched all day. Def.: The difference between your outstretched fingers and the automatic ticket machine at the airport, e.i., 2.1 inches.

A Jumbo-Size Bird Story

This story came up in a contest for birders:



Freedom and I have been together 10 years this spring. She came in as a baby with two broken wings. Her bill doesn't open all the way, even after surgery. When Freedom came in she could not stand. She was emaciated and full of lice. We made the decision to give her a chance at life, so I took her to the Vets office. From then on, I was always near. We had her in a huge dog carrier with the top off and she would lay there looking at me with those big brown eyes. We also hand fed her for weeks.

This went on for four-six weeks and by then she still couldn't stand. It got to the point where the decision was made to euthanize her if she couldn't stand in a week. She was going to be put down that Friday, and I was supposed to cdome in on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't go because I couldn't stand the thought her her beging euthanized.

But I went in on Friday and when I walked in everyone was grinning from ear to ear. I immediately went back to her dog cage and there she was, standing on her own, a big beautiful Bald Eagle. She was ready to live. We knew she could never fly, so the director had me train Freedom to walk. I got her used to the glove and jessies.

In the spring of 2000 I was diagnosed with non-Hodkin's lymphoma. I had stage 3 which is not good. I wound up doing eight months of chemo. When I felt well enough I go take Freedom for walks again. Fast forward to fall of 2008 waiting for the last tests. In a few days I had them: all the cancer was gone!

On a side note: I have had people who were very sick come up to us when we were out and Freedom seems to have some kind of hold on them. We once had a guy with terminal cancer come up to us and I let him hold her. His knees just about buckled and he swore he could feel her power coarse through his body. I have so many stories like that.

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There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

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My favorite word today is Superman. N., man with steelies. Def.: The man who stops bullets with his chest but ducks with you throw the revolver at him.

Lemons for You, Bananas for Me

The Stages of a Woman's Life

1. To Grow Up






2. To Fill Out










3. To Slim Down











4. To Hold It In





And



5. To Hell With It

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Aw, shucks, you know I'm just funnin'. How about these instead:
Rejected International Sports Teams Names

1. Brussels Sprouts
2. Cannes Openers
3. Amsterdam Yankees
4. Vienna Sausages
5. Belgium Wafflers
6. Manila Folders
7. Czech Bouncers
8. Buenos Airheads
9. Bolivia DeHavillands
10. Seoul Brothers
11. Taipei Personalities
12. Syria Killers
13. Hungary Jacks
14. Prague Tologists
15. Peking Toms

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"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

"On one hand, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

"On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

"How can this be a contest?"

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My favorite word today is sogwich. N., is this feat to eat? Def.: The dampest thing in the refrigerator pressed between two of the driest things in the refrigerator. This was invented by a man who hated to go to the grocery store.

This Is The Gas

Famous Painting Stolen

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when he ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

"I had no Monet

"To buy Degas

"To make the Van Gogh!"

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

Thanks, Vicki!

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A nun is on her way to the park, and she decides to take her sketching pencils. She cannot find her case, so she plops them into a paper bag.

Walking toward the park she sees she is passing by a major building construction project. Unfortuntely (in her view) she can hear the workers talking, and about every other word is a swear word.

She pauses, then decides to teach them something about God. She yells to the men working on the ground level of the building, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?!!"

The men shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and called, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers called back, "No we don't. Why?"

The workers yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch!"

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My favorite phrase today is multiple personalities. N., ever heard of Bridey Murphy? Def.: If a person with this disease threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

Being Old Has Its Benefits

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, that I would entertain it, and let her know.

Old Age, I have decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not with this body. I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror. But I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly concrete gecko that I didn't need but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon, before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep til noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50s, 60s and 70s and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But, there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you aget older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, in answer to your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I will eat dessert every single day.

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My favorite phrase today is bums away. Adj., hallelujah I'm a bum, hallelujah bums away.... Def.: In the 1300s, the Tartars gathered up the bodies of people who had died of anthrax poisoning and catapulted them into enemy fortresses.

I've Heard of Blind, But......

This is just a reminder: I am still substituting over at Tisha's Place in case you wanna put in a look-see.

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This moose needs to see his local opthalmologist. Not only is that a buffalo (bison for purists) he is trying to play games with, but it is a BRASS buffalo, located, no doubt, somewhere near Moosejaw.

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Here's how to fix up the airlines, which has got so many woe is me-s.

First all, dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What they hey -- they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of their tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, but saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane -- maybe have them kick back 20% of the tips, including what they get for lap dances and "special services."



Here's a bonus: Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right, a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself.

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There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are four animals: King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey. They almost pass by, but then they decide to have a competition to see who is the fastest to get a banana from the tree. Whom do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. You have 15 seconds to decide.

Scroll down to see the analysis.









If your answer is:

Orangutan.....you are dull

Ape......Foolish

Monkey.....Idiot

King Kong.....Stupid.

Why???? It's a coconut tree. It doesn't have bananas.

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My favorite phrase today is small feet. N., don't tread on me. Def.: The things women have. It's one of those "evolutionary" things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

The Birds and the Stamens

I think it is high (and nigh) time that I showed you some of the grounds where we live here in Oregon. This here is the southwest corner of the backyard. The purple doozies are exotic lilac -- like your basic lilac without the aroma. There is no grass in the backyard, just potted plants. That way we don't have to mow and put noxious/nauseous fumes into the air from the old lawnmower. Sylvia is mostly smart like that.


This here is Viburnum with Birds. This is about at the center of the ol' backyard. Hanging to the right of the plant is a bird feeder with American Goldfinches in attendance.


And here is Rhododendron with Birds, American Goldfinches again, by cracky. This is a different feeder. In sum total we have four, plus three for hummingbirds. Why that is, I don't know, since we only have two hummingbirds. So it goes.

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Have you heard the old one about the beating of a butterfly's wings can cause chaos? Or something like that. Here's a butterfly than can put a huge hole in your roof.

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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery of Art was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black wseenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized they wee having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assistance. He went on for nearly half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert that the curator of the gallery?" asked one of the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three normally white coal miners, and the guy in the middle just went home for lunch."

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My favorite phrase today is get away from it all. Adj., some idyllic evening. Def.: A place where forest rangers don't go.

A Perfect Posted Rabbit

I love the First of the Month, for it gives me opportunities to rabbit rabbit and to introduce you to my latest Perfect Post. Here is Rabbit! Rabbit!



You all know the drill: You say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of the month, and pretty soon you got fricassee. No....wait....that's wrong. What you got is good luck for the whole month long. Right. I knew I had that screwed up.

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This also is when we award the Perfect Post. This was dreamed (dreamt?) up by Momma K and Lucinda. These awards go to writers of scintillating b**gs, such as: Paul Nichols.

Paul has listed for us how many church folks, of the various denominations, it takes to change a lightbulb. I loved it....

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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Party. We turned on a night light, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat, having coming around the house, scoots inside. Now, we didn't want the cut shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi while I went inside the get the cat out. The cat goes upstairs with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to Mother."

A few minutes later I get into the cab. "Sorry to take so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard."

Then the cab driver hit a parked car.

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My favorite word today is soap. N., do you remember Gramma's lye soap, good for everything in the home? Def.: What mother uses to wash the hands of a deaf person who says a naughty word.

Speed Is Only Good for Speed

A C-130 freight airplane was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 pilot flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" -- and he promptly went into a barrel role, followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive. But watch this!"

The C-130 droned on for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

(When you're young and foolish, speed and flash may seem a good thing. When you get older and smarter, comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!)

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A clever way to shut her up.

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Snow White received a digital camera as a gift. So she took pictures of the dwarfs and the forest creatures and she quickly filled her memory card.

She didn't have a printer, so she took the card to a store to have the photos printed.

She returned a few days later and was told there had been a malfunction and her prints would be late. Snow White was so disappointed that she wept.

The store clerk tried to console her, saying, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

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My favorite word today is garnish. N., do I have to eat this? Def.: What they always do to the parsley farmer.

Don't They Got Alligators in Florida?

A Cajun walks into a bar with his pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, then turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this event, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd roared their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth, and the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman spoke up: "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

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Now, then, you know Ol' Hoss is into "cute," way way into it. If'n you don't believe, take a look at this dance.

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Today started off badly for Sam. His alarm clock was off by 30 minutes, which made him run late. Then the coffee maker was on the fritz so he had to heat some water and drink a cup if instant. So he's in a bit of a hurry on the way to work and ended up rear-ending a car.

He knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day when the driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf!

The dwarf looked up at Sam and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So Sam said, "Well, which one are you, then?"

That's how the fight started.

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My favorite word today is jolly. Adj., maybe he was Dopey? Def.: How Santa feels because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The Doctors Tell All

Some people might think this picture is a composite, but I swear this photo is pure as the driven snow. So it goes, John says.

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Here are some real honest-to-goodness doctor/nurse/patient stories. (Real, as in "according to me".)

A man goes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" Dr. Mark MacDonald of San Francisco says he grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, he noticed: 1. There were other cabs parked there; and 2. He was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of his shift, Dr. Richard Byrnes of Seattle says he placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," he instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf of Detroit was performing his rounds one morning and while checking up on a patient asked, "So, how was your breakfast this morning?" The patient replied, "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." When he asked to see the jelly, the woman produced a foil packet labled "KY Jelly."

A new, young MD doing his residency (and who declined use of his name) says he was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of softly whistling. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, which further embarrassed the doctor. He looked up from his work and said, sheepishly, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

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Here's a new book for women to suggest to their husbands: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Wrong."

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An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

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My favorite word today is nyaaah. N., sort of a space saver. Def.: The 'n' with which cheap advertising copywriters replace the word "and" (as in "fish 'n' chips," "mix 'n' match," and "assault 'n' battery") in the mistaken belief that this is somehow chummy or endearing.

Birds I Have Seen on High

I have collected a few pictures from our backyard, some better than others. Judging by my previous entry, you know I am a bird watcher from way back. This here bird also is a bird watcher and also a bird chaser: a sharp-shinned hawk, notorious for feasting on small birds.



This here peeper is a red-shafted flicker. Nice size to this fella. He's not supposed to be able to sup from these feeders, but try to tell him that.



This mourner is a mourning dove, with a song that indeed makes you think you're at gramma's wake. And they don't sound a damn bit better when they're sober. Mourning Doves is one of Ol' Hoss's favorite bird mothers.



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Earlier this year the Quebec City newspaper had a feature about generations by age group. Generations were grouped as follows:

The Silent Generation (a.k.a. the Greatest Generation), people born before 1945.

The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

Generation X, people born betrween 1961 and 1976.

Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989. Generation Y people are the easiest to spot: See below.



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It doesn't matter which political party you belong to -- you're in for it. For instance, on Canadian TV was a comic who says he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep," he said. "I miss ol' Bill. He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black president. No. 1, he played the sax. No. 2, he smoked weed. And No. 3, he had his way with ugly white women.

"Even now? Look at him: His wife works and he doesn't, and he gets a check from the government ever' month.

"Some big manufacturers announced today they will stocking America's grocery shelves this week with 'Clinton Soup,' in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water."

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My favorite word today is evolution. N., it's everywhere! Def.: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A Fistful of Hummers

This lady lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water, and this is the result:



And here's some more of the same, closeup:



The woman is Abagail Alfano of Pine, Louisiana. She has been studying the hummingbirds daily and one morning put the cup with the feeder, with sugar water in it, in her hand. They had gotten used to her standing by the feeder so they came to her hand. She says as they touch her they are as light as a feather. And she adds if she had known her husband was taking pictures she would have put on some makeup! (Who would have noticed?)



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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs and pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market known as "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available almost everywhere. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them, no strings attached.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desire to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted. And after drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, except with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

On some occasions these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as a "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the woman administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

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My favorite word today is brilliant. Adj., on the order of Einstein. Def.: Reading stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

This Is Some Kind of Oasis

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the two surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest said, "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. Then he adds, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well," she said, "under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts.

"Sister," he said, "would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be okay," the Priest replied, lifting his robe.

"Oh, Father, may I touch it?" The Priest consented, and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, do you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life?"

"Is that true, Father?"

"Yes it is, Sister."

"Oh, Father, that's wonderful. Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

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Did you know there is a mighty big difference between men's brains and women's brains? The findings are here.

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My favorite word today is kiltered. N., on the good ship wobbly-popped. Def.: The fourth wheel of a Safeway cart which looks identical to the other three but renders the cart completely uncontrollable.

Multiplicity Works

I have not lately told you about my Hit Parade:

"My Melancolicky Baby"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"

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This here deer is getting a free lift across Lake Okaheetee, in Florida. It comes courtesy of a 23-foot alligator that has a serious case of the munchies....I think. If you want a serious look, click the picture to enlarge.

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When you get hungry in the library, there's only one thing to do.

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Two elderly residents, an old sailor and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old sailor looked over and said to the lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old sailor continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady gives him some quizzical eyebrows, then starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a $20 bill and holds it up.

"So, you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old sailor.

"Get serious," she says. "Four times in the rocker."

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When you've got 8 seconds to spare, go Ice Fishing

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My favorite word today is feebleology. N., there's no pill for it yet. Def.: Something which doctors will tell us that we're suffering from; i.e., the newest disease from Africa.

But Are There Brocs in Broccoli?

Let's face it: English is a crazy language. F'rinstance, I never had no cowboy leg. I never had my carbon burning my black bowel.

Furthermore, there is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses than run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick?"

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My favorite word today is wammy. Adj., warm and slightly clammy. Def.: Descriptive of your hands after the automatic drying machine has turned itself off and left you just damp enough to make it embarrassing if you have to shake hands with somebody immediately afterward.