The Manglers Strike Again

Here are some excerpts from term papers, as collected in the book "Mangled Moments of History from Actual College Students:"

"The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption."

"(Egyptian) rulers were entitled Faroes. A famed one was King Toot."

"Fryers were required to take a vow of pottery."

"Ivan the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his later personality."

"Sir Isaac Newton invented the newton."

"The major cause of the Civil War was when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the West."

"Germany's William II had a chimp on his shoulder."

"Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho."

"Stalin, Roosevelt, Churchill and Truman were known as the Big Three."

"Cesar was assassinated on the Yikes of March when he was reported to have said, "Me, too, Brutus."

"Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named Yahoo."

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Q.: Where do horses stay in a hotel?

A.: In the bridle suite.

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My favorite phrase today is hairy cheery. Adj., it's a not so lovely day..... Def.: A traditional mating rite. During the first warm day of Spring, all the men in the subway start giving up their seats to ladies. The purpose of the hairy cheery is for men to demonstrate their manhood by displaying the wet patches under their arms.

Poor Little Johnny

Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny's family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears of even said the word "ears," he would get the spanking of his life when they came home. Little Johnny told his dad that he understood completely.

When Johnny looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?," asked Johnny.

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd he shit out of luck if he needed glasses."

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Two college accounting majors go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment -- the reels, rods, the wading suits, the boat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. Same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day......It goes on like this until on the last day of their vacation, one of the collegians catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. The driver turns toward his passenger and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

His friend replied, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more."

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My favorite phrase today is John McCain. N., this is no little Johnny. Def.: A rabid politician who can afford to be that way because he married a millionairess.

Like Maggots in Hot Grease

Like, if we're not open we're, like, closed. Pay attention.

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How about some "Worst Analogies from High School Essays":

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse witrhout one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."

"His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free."

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."

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This is How Pilots Should Talk, according to me.

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My favorite phrase today is twice-told tales. N., like something out of Aesop's Fables. Relating a funny story to someone without remembering it was he who told it to you in the first place.

Get'cher Left/Right Wing On

Larrigo Steelflint rode into the Univ of Virginia Campus with blood on his mind. There was no gettin' around it: Somebody had to die.

He whupped his hoss 'cross the withers to make up time he had lost swimming across the Puddin' Head River. The hoss, Emma Withers by name, figured it was Larrigo's fault for not leavin' camp on time......so, he just kept on amblin', as amblin' horse flesh is sorta bound to do. And so do Ramblin' Rose.

The fella that was to die that day was either Jack McCain or B.H. Obamer. Tell the truth, they both had it comin', bein's both had some high and mighty views, visions, outlooks and perceptions of theyselves.

See, they is runnin' for President of the YewNited States and they bicker a lot. So one of 'em has got to get kilt because I can't stand this argumentative back and forth horsesh_t. (Note how I cleverly covered up that cussword? Nobody ever said Larrigo was ahind the door when the brains was passed out -- or on.)

Casemeier in pernt: Jack thinks rich people need a tax cut. B.H. thinks rich people need a tax increase. I cain't settle this, so one of 'em has got to go. At high noon, providin' the sun is out.

The way we're gonna settle this is just as they did in the old days -- mano a mano, with six-guns and pace-offs and bear meat for the winner. It is now 11:57 a.m., so we got only three minutes to get rid of one of 'em.

So I line 'em up, back to back, tell 'em to take 10 paces forward, then turn and fire in the hole.

Of course you know what happen. They both took 9 steps, turned and gutshot me.

I'll be home soon, Mom. Just let me drain a little more blood on this anthill, and I'll be there witchya.

I often wondered which one of them fellas was the biggest as_shole. But I can't get my brain around it. I think the REAL biggest a__hole is the current President of the YewNited States. He going around saying what he wants for Christmas is a peppermint stick so he can stick it up his _sshole. Oh, and a third term; he wants that, too.

Wish I had a coupla peppermint sticks right now. I'd shove 'em in these bulletholes and keep a few ants from drownin'.

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This looks like you ought to be buying a trinket from Scandinavia, but really all you need to do is click here then sit back and wait.

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My favorite word today is language. N., you could get used to this. Def.: A tranquilizer that leaves no side effects.

Ice Broken

From the local press:

A guy walks into a bar, sees a beautiful woman sitting alone, so he takes the barstool next to her. A minute goes by, then he turns to her and says, "Fat penguins."

The woman turns to him, "Pardon me?"

The guy looks at her and says, "I just thought I would say something to break the ice."

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This is how things are going to be when women rule the world.

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Q.: Why did the peanut go out with the grape?

A.: He couldn't find a date.

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Q.: What's blue and white and if it fell out of a tree and hit you, it would kill you?

A.: A refrigerator in a Wrangler jacket.

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See if you can figure out what the following words have in common:

Banana, Dresser, Grammar, Potato, Revive, Uneven, Assess.

Give up? (I did, very early on.)

Give up now?

Okay. A.: In all the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Nifty.

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To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?", you can say "Sorry, got these sacks."

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My favorite word today is ballet. N., lift that babe, tote that bale, etc. Def.: To me, boxing is just like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Never Thought Eve Would Look So Fine

As I always say (don't I always say this?), there is nothing like a good Bible story to make your day. Or your several days.


"How Adam Got Eve"

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely. So Big Ernie asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. So Big God said, "I will fix that. I will make you a companion, and its name shall be 'woman'."



Big Ernie said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing she will wash it for you."



And further, he said, "She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. SHE WILL PRAISE YOU!

"She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it!"

Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?"

Big Ernie replied: "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course, the rest is history.....!!!



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Question: What did the magician say to the fisherman?

Answer: Take a cod, any cod.

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This nerd is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane, the nerd grabs the radio: "Mayday! Mayday! My pilot just died!" he screamed.

Ground control receives his call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, sir. I'll talk you down. Just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position."

Nerd says, "I'm 5-foot-10 and sitting in the front seat."

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My favorite word today is hog. N., one of them guys with the pork belly. Def.: One able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of the seat in either the movies or the plane.

Give Me My Boots and Saddles

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets and boots; BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"So, from now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" His wife promptly took off all her clothes. When he yelled "BELL 2!", his wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a couple of minutes, his wife yelled "BELL 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is BELL 4?"

"Roll out more hose," she replied. "You're nowhere near the fire!"

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Toward the end of Sunday service, the Pastor asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All raised their hands except for one.

"Mrs. Neely?," the Pastor continued. "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?" the Pastor said.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

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A college student was infatuated with a freshman, but he was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt as insignificant as a pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder."

("Ewwww".)

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My favorite phrase today is poor listener. N., whut you say? Def.: One who has Van Gogh's ear for music.

A Lesson in Economics

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.

One day, Johnny was so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." But the girl said no.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money real fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees, and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls to try to find out what happened.

She responded: "The bastard used coins!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed off first. This natural selection is good for the group as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

Now then, as you know, excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, too, taking out the slowest and weakest brain cells first. This elimination of the slower brain cells in turn makes the brain a faster and more efficient machine, which is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

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My favorite phrase today is your will. N., keep me in mind. Def.: A dead giveaway.

Oldie Goodies

Here are new-or-ancient stingers:

Gladstone, member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

Disraeli responds: "That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of inadequacy." --Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow.

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner, writing about Ernest Hemingway.

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" --Ernest Hemingway, about William Faulkner.

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." --Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde.

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --Thomas Brackett Reed.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde.

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Christmas cards for the psychiatrically challenged:

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me.

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and....

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me.

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My favorite word today is dye. N., part of the Tool and Dye Works. Def.: What occurs when she sees her first strands of gray hair.

Over the Foaming Main

Suddenly the shorelines north of Sydney were transformed into the Cappuccino Coast. Foam swallowed an entire beach and half of the nearby buildings in a freak display of nature at Yamba in New South Wales.




Some scientists say this is "too bad." Others say it's caused by a die-off plankton or algae which provides the mix of protein and oil, which the ocean whips into a giant foam. And this is all the clauses I am able to mix into one sentence.

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON tv?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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My favorite word today is electricity. N., a useful tool in the kitchen. Def.: This comes from electrons, like morality comes from morons.

Sweet and Shorts

Here's how Norman Rockwell would have portrayed a Redneck Thanksgiving.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. And added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter

Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

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Some of us will go a long way to get our Rabbit! Rabbit! See, what you do is say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of the month and you'll have good luck all month long. Seems to work for the lady who dreamt this up, Momma K, for she never has bad luck. (Me also, for that matter.)

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The teacher told his students: "Write an essay on whether the sun or the moon is more important, and defend your answer in 50 words or less."

The best response: "The moon is more important because it is already light during the day, making the sun useless."

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Take a look at how one country slows its speeders.

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Women only have two complaints: Nothing to wear, and not enough closet space for it.

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Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up. -- Confuscious.

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My favorite word today is inverse. N., the third pedal on a Model T Ford. Def.: How poets write.

Idiocy Coming Right Up

When the husband and wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their new car, they were told the keys had been locked in it. They went to the service shop where they found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As the husband watched from the passenger side, he tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," he announced to the mechanic, "it's open."

"Yeah," says the mechanic, "I already got that side."

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Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of 'Mother's Milk.'"

One student, who partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of even four or five. After pondering the question the student began to work. He wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to the mother.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote hurriedly:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

Worth an "A," don't you think?

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Idiot Alert No. 2

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was supposed to do. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded: "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

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My favorite word today is binoculars. N., lookin' cool, dude. People pay big money to go to the top of tall buildings so they can look through their binoculars at things on the ground.

This Celebration Never Ends

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God," said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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How would you like some free gas, as seen on the Tonight Show?

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it, saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling! We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade. "You probably don't want to do that. I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

Exclaimed the young, fried alien, "How did you know he was so dangerous."

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend, and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it is that you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

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My favorite phrase today is wha'sup. N., no, it's a whats-it. Def.: A small odd-shaped piece of plastic found in the bottom of a kitchen rummage drawer when spring cleaning or looking for Scotch Tape.

Give Me an Old-Timey Telephone

Sometimes a photographer hits it lucky, getting that "frozen in time" photo that he/she didn't realize he had until he gets it back from the print shop. Like these:











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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. And, that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be deciphered by pissing and moaning.

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My favorite phrase today is grown up. N., and I ate my peas. Def.: You, when you hear your favorite song in an elevator.

We Hit the Road Again

Scamp and I journeyed into Washington State a few days ago to see what evil lurks in the hearts of men.....Wait, no, I mean, to see what birds frolic there. Unhappily, not too many. This was nice, though: a geese family. The white thing at the bottom of the photo is a fence. I don't get around well, and it was either take this picture, or take none. Guess which I chose?

And then there is the crowd favorite, the red-winged blackbird. We have these at home, too, but I sort of liked seeing this one shining in the sun.

Later on I got a couple more pictures of ducks I hadn't seen before. But they stretch my imagination to know what they are. Better luck next time, Hoss.

So, if we don't get birds we get other mammalian life, like turtles. I visit some Florida b**g sites and they occasionally show turtles, as well. But I think theirs are bigger. I believe these dudes are what are known as Box Turtles. I don't think they make boxes.

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A riddle for you:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michel J. Fox has a little one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on three.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Ho

Ho

Har

de

har

har

The Answer: A last name. Heh.

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My favorite word today is pointless. Adj., that story you're telling is... Def.: Writing with a broken pencil.

Change Me

Hey, lookie here now, lend me your ears eyes, on accounta I got me an Obamar shirt.

Obama was huge in Oregon on Sunday, drawing 72,000 people to Tom McCall Waterfront Park. 'Twas the largest crowd of his campaign: we know how to do things up right.

I couldn't go on accounta my illness, but he knows I was there in spirits and vodka.

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Here's a root-toot-toot response for your answering machine:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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I sure wish I could spell more better good.


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A man walks injto the street and gets a taxi right away. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Oh, I don't know. There are always a few clouds hanging over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf like a pro. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. You should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which utensil to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Frank never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly shined -- he was the perfect man. Never made an error. No one could measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you manage to meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married the bastard's widow."

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My favorite phrase today is disremember me. N., relative of dotage. Def.: The collective name for things for which you find a use immediately after you're thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and burn it. Within 24 hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...

How to Settle an Argument

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alabama. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into your field. Now I want to retrieve it." But the old farmer said, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer, indignant now, said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in rural Alabama. We settle small disagreements with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until somebody gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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My favorite word today is whacko. N., don't forget the johdpurs. Def.: The final state of mind of a retired colonel just before they come to take him away.

Take Your Own Sweet Time

George Phillips of Meridian, MS, was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from her bedroom widnow. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw there were some people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, and and told them. "Is there any one of them in your house?"

He said "no," and was advised, "All our a patrols are busy, but just lock yuourself in the house and an officer would be shortly along when available.

George said, "Okay," counted to 100 and phloned up the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things out of my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them anymore because I just shot them."

Within three mintues six police cars, a SWAT gteam, a helicopter, two paramedics, and an ambulance showed up at Phillips' residence amd caught the burglers red-handed, who had not been shot, after all.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avpoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop them.

2. Avoid argument with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pain in your veins. Rememember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a few teaspoons of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

6. You will only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.

DEEP THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

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If you ever get the urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windix first. It'll keep you from streaking.

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My favorite word today is shitamighty. N., I should have stretched all day. Def.: The difference between your outstretched fingers and the automatic ticket machine at the airport, e.i., 2.1 inches.

A Jumbo-Size Bird Story

This story came up in a contest for birders:



Freedom and I have been together 10 years this spring. She came in as a baby with two broken wings. Her bill doesn't open all the way, even after surgery. When Freedom came in she could not stand. She was emaciated and full of lice. We made the decision to give her a chance at life, so I took her to the Vets office. From then on, I was always near. We had her in a huge dog carrier with the top off and she would lay there looking at me with those big brown eyes. We also hand fed her for weeks.

This went on for four-six weeks and by then she still couldn't stand. It got to the point where the decision was made to euthanize her if she couldn't stand in a week. She was going to be put down that Friday, and I was supposed to cdome in on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't go because I couldn't stand the thought her her beging euthanized.

But I went in on Friday and when I walked in everyone was grinning from ear to ear. I immediately went back to her dog cage and there she was, standing on her own, a big beautiful Bald Eagle. She was ready to live. We knew she could never fly, so the director had me train Freedom to walk. I got her used to the glove and jessies.

In the spring of 2000 I was diagnosed with non-Hodkin's lymphoma. I had stage 3 which is not good. I wound up doing eight months of chemo. When I felt well enough I go take Freedom for walks again. Fast forward to fall of 2008 waiting for the last tests. In a few days I had them: all the cancer was gone!

On a side note: I have had people who were very sick come up to us when we were out and Freedom seems to have some kind of hold on them. We once had a guy with terminal cancer come up to us and I let him hold her. His knees just about buckled and he swore he could feel her power coarse through his body. I have so many stories like that.

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There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

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My favorite word today is Superman. N., man with steelies. Def.: The man who stops bullets with his chest but ducks with you throw the revolver at him.

Lemons for You, Bananas for Me

The Stages of a Woman's Life

1. To Grow Up






2. To Fill Out










3. To Slim Down











4. To Hold It In





And



5. To Hell With It

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Aw, shucks, you know I'm just funnin'. How about these instead:
Rejected International Sports Teams Names

1. Brussels Sprouts
2. Cannes Openers
3. Amsterdam Yankees
4. Vienna Sausages
5. Belgium Wafflers
6. Manila Folders
7. Czech Bouncers
8. Buenos Airheads
9. Bolivia DeHavillands
10. Seoul Brothers
11. Taipei Personalities
12. Syria Killers
13. Hungary Jacks
14. Prague Tologists
15. Peking Toms

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"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

"On one hand, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

"On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

"How can this be a contest?"

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My favorite word today is sogwich. N., is this feat to eat? Def.: The dampest thing in the refrigerator pressed between two of the driest things in the refrigerator. This was invented by a man who hated to go to the grocery store.