Short Shrift Saturday #42

After 15 years of marriage, a man and a woman go see a counselor. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they've every had in their marriage. She goes on and on....and on.

The counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

"There!" says the counselor. "That's what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The man ponders and says, finally, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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Most women have two complaints: They have nothing to wear -- and not enough closet space for it.

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My favorite word today is assault. N., quite a good race horse. Def.: What you throw over your left shoulder to avoid bad luck.

Once in a Nutshell

A b**g address, www.onesentence.org, asks people to tell their story, briefly -- that is, in one sentence. These are insignificant stories, everyday stories, or turning-point-in-your-life stories, boiled down to their bare essentials. For instance:

I stopped hurting myself a long time ago because I got bored, not because I got better.

Then, after hearing about fecal aerosols, I never flushed with the lid up.

As the Lithuanian midget, that was only known to me as Betrinka, flipped the homemade Madonna tape in her transistor radio, I realized that asking for "a little fun" in Prague meant something wholly different than in the United States.

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Put down the phone and nobody will get hurt.

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Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Then another day went by, then another.

Sam didn't know what to do, since he had no idea where Bill lived. And so a month went by.

Then, one day, Sam went to the park and there was Bill. "For crying out loud, Bill, where have you been?" Sam asked.

Bill: "I've been in jail."

Sam: "What for?"

Bill: "Well, you know that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop?"

Sam: "Yeah, what about her?"

Bill: "One day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded guilty. And the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

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My favorite word today is drama. N., oh bury me not on the lone prairie. Def.: Life, with the dull parts left out. --Alfred Hitchcock.

In Came the Doctor With a Great Long Knife....

This does not look much like a Happy Camper. Well, of course I wasn't. Only a sap would look good in this outfit. (Which reminds me I look pretty good in this outfit.)

See, what they did was......well, I guess I don't know what they did. I was knocked out before I got to the operating room. That ever happen to you? You're looking forward to seeing all the people assembled for your day in the sun and they wipe you out halfway to purgatory?

Then they put in this thing called a stent, which is prounounced like a stint, which is what end men in the old minstrel shows used to do. You know, like a piece, or a bit, or a cameo. The Doc said they had to mistrackle the boombatz before they could offwheel the noodnik, which sounded good to me. Bought him a new Cadillac, so what the hell.

(Sorry the picture only shows one of my breasts.)

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In much happier times, Scamp gave me a flower, a datura, which is known to me as Angel's Trumpet. What you do, see, is try to get a little edge before you go into the hospital because you never know what those Mercedes buyers are going to do to you. So I wore me a Angel's Trumpet, which is just as good as Gabriel, who was almost as good as Kid Ory.

Some days Ol' Hoss don't make much sense. So it goes.

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My favorite word today is hate. N., have you hugged a Muslim today? Def.: The result of not being nice.

Readingbetweenthelines

(Excuse Ol' Hoss, which has been in the horsepistol for the last day and a half. I got me some aneurysms fixed up and the Doc says I am a Prize Patient so he let me go early. Thanks to all of you for the kind words.)

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Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look carefully at the domain names selected as others see it -- and not as you think it looks. Check out the following who deal in humdrum products but didn't think it through:

1. A site called "Who Represents," where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: http://www.whorepresents.com/

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look for further than Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net/

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder: http://www.therapistfinder.com/

5. Then, of course, there's the Italian Power Generator Co.: http://www.powergenitalia.com/

6. And now, let's look at the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for computer software: http://ipanywhere.com/

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church: http://www.cummingfirst.com/

9. Then there are these brainless art designers: http://www.speedofart.com/

10. And finally, a holiday in Lake Tahoe: http://www.gotahoe.com/

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"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, but I'm wondering: how do you prepare your chicken?"

"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

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My favorite phrase today is Earth Day. N., the cause of global warming. Def.: A period when we worship dirt.

Short Shrift Saturday #41

(I will not be back for awhile, inasmuch as I go for the cutting on Monday morning. Look for me, maybe, on Thursday. --Hoss.)

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's convenience, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament, and said, "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

As he sat down, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labled ATR. Well, he reasoned, who would know if he touched them? So he pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms didn't have any nice things like that. Intrigued, he pushed the bottom labeled WA. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable experience. To him, the ladies' restroom was more than a restroom; it was tender, loving pleasure.

Now, he couldn't wait to push the next button, ATP. Surely this would be supreme ecstasy.

The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital. He asked a nurse, "What happened? All I remember is pushing the ATP button."

She replied: "The ATP button stands for Automatic Tampon Removal. Your penis is under the pillow."

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My favorite word today is alcoholism. Adj., remember Ray Milland? Def.: What I blame everything on.

Cleaning Up My Act

Look for me everywhere you see buttcrack. I am the Duct Tape Swordsman....

(This jewel of a picture is from my buddie, The Poopsie.)

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Next Monday I am going to have an operation on a couple of aneurysms in my aortic whatsis. It's quite possible I won't be posting that day....

Today, though, no knives.

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Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for George's birthday. You hear about that? She told Dick Cheney, "This bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words."

"Wow, that's impressive!" Cheney says. "But you realize that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replies. "Neither does the parrot."

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Life is sexually transmitted.

Give a person to fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 1960's, people took acid too make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They all are asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning your passing, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children."

The third guy thinks for a minute, then says: "I would like to hear them say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!"

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My favorite word today is fish. N., nothing a little rotenone can't cure. Def.: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the weekend.

Picture Perfect

A couple of times I have posted pictures that started out as one thing and morphed into something else. Here are some more. Enjoy the feast:


































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My favorite word today is church. N., love is a many-steepled thing. A place where a guy tantalizes you with images of a heaven he has not seen.

Quirky Is a Pretty Good Word

Carpe diem does NOT mean seize the fish.

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Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep faster.

Never get overly excited by the way a man looks from behind.

Start making excuses now for not flossing.

It doesn't count as a stain if you can tuck it in.

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Two blondes are walking down the street when they spy a compact on the sidewalk. The first one picks it up and says, "I wonder whose this is?"

The second girl takes it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Why, silly, it's me."

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My favorite word today is death. N., he was here a minute ago. Def.: How to get rid of that nagging cough.

Short Shrift Saturday #40

So Tarzan is swimming down the road when he happens to spy this wholesome looker named Jane. She is sort of smitten by him, so they talk about this and that and stuff. During the course of the conversation, she asks him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know that stuff," he replied.

Jane explained what it was.

Tarzan says, "Oh...I use knothole in tree."

Jane, horrified, tells him, "You have it all wrong. I will show you how to do it properly."

She sheds her clothing, lies down on the ground and, pointing to her cooter, says, "Here. You must put it here."

Tarzan removes his loin cloth, showing considerable in the way of manhood, steps closer to Jane -- and kicks her in the crotch.

She is stunned. She rolls on the ground, writing with pain. Finally, she says, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied: "Check for squirrels."

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My favorite word today is strength. Adj., why you worked out. Def.: The power to break a chocolate bar into four pieces -- and then eat just one of the pieces. --Judith Viorst.

Peace Be Upon You, Saith MSN

MSN decided I was too valuable a commodity, so they struck a peace agreement with me. The fact that I had to pay them has nothing to do with it.*

Consequently, there will be a Short Shrift Saturday. Ain't you thrilled?

(*I get two months free. Free is a very good price.)

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I hope this cartoon is new. I mean, to you. I have seen it a hundred times.

It's Bad; I've Been Had

MSN has decided that I should pay for the privilege of writing for you. I am dithered; all I wanted to do was sign on, write, sign off and eat soup.

So, anyway, some guru is coming to my (and Scamp's) place Friday to give me a new email and a new lease on life. Don't go away. I will be back. (It says here.)

Meanwhile, consider these combinations that it is advised we oldsters should avoid:

A nose ring and bifocals.
Spiked hair and bald spots.
Miniskirts and support hose.
Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
Speedos and cellulite.
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.,
Bikinis and liver spots.
Short shorts and varicose veins.
Inline skates and a walker.
Thongs and Depends.

"It Was a Dark and Stormy Night...."

Fans of "stormy night" will like these entries in a Washington Post contest:

"Frank took one look at Tina's moderately shapely legs, her adequate waist, her decent bosom, and her not-unattractive face, and said to himself: 'Well, hello, Miss You'll-Do-Until-Something-Better-Comes-Along!'"

"She looked at her hands and saw the dessicated skin hanging in Shar-Pei wrinkles, confetti-like freckles, and those dry, dry cuticles -- even her 'Fatale Crimson' nail color had faded in the relentless sun to the color of old sirloin -- and she vowed if she ever got out of the Sahara alive she'd never buy polish on sale at Walgreen's again."

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Women are excused from reading the following (none of which Hoss believes):

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the sink.

How do you know when a woman says something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass more gas than women?
They can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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My favorite word today is enticement. Adj., want a caramel, little girl? Def.: Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. --Ogden Nash.

Restroom Graffiti

While you are pondering this picture, I will go right ahead and publish some fine examples of bathroom graffiti found for me by Vickee:

"Friends don't let friends take home ugly men." --Starboard, Dewey Beach DE

"Beauty is only a light switch away." --Perkins Library, Duke University

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." --The Bayou, Baton Rouge LA

"No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her bullshit." --Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill NC

"Expess Lane: Five Beers or Less." --Sign over one of urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix AZ

"No wonder you always go home alone." --Sign over mirror, men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills CA

"If it has tires or testicles, you are going to have trouble with it." --Dick's Last Resort, Dallas TX.

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And, some famous last words:

"Yes, those pants make your butt look fat."

"I know these woods like the back of my hand."

"So...howdya get the name 'Killer'?"

"You call that a watchdog?"

"Look! He's eating out of my...."

"Relax. I majored in chemistry."

"Nobody actually reads the instructions."

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My favorite word today is transmission. N., if you choose to accept it. Def.: When you are sent looking for a trans.

Where I've Been in Ireland

See this? (Well a course they saw it, dum dum. What a boob you are, Hoss. Ask a rhetorical question, get a Ben and Jerry's answer.)

So anyway, Scamp and I had to leave the house for another round of house lookers and we went up to Ridgefield National Wildlife Refuge. Not much action between migrations, but we did see five of these. This wasn't one of them. I would never watch a Great Blue Heron gulp down a rat.

(If you are gone by now, I understand. I gulped a bit when I saw it, too.)

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The Washington Post had some kind of contest asking people to do something. Here are two of the results:

In London a granny named Sue,
Kept a blade in the heel of her shoe.
When she carved up a dame
In a lav she became
The old woman who shivved in a loo.

(Hoo boy.)

In the Alps lived a foundling so sad,
Till one day came a woman, said, "Lad,
"Don't you recognize me?
"I'm your Mom, can't you see?"
"Yodeladyhoo married my Dad?"

(Little Sir Echo, how do you do?)

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My favorite word today is is. V., could it be are? Def.: According to Bill Clinton, this has no definition.

Mehicans, Airports and Ambulances (A.K.A. Short Shrift Saturday)

Everybody loves a good ambulance joke, right? For the latest in ambulance jokes, go here.

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I don't want to scare you or nothin', but this is how it was last time I went flying commercially. Nice thing about this is, it got stale after awhile. Say, 24 hours.

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NOTIS: JOU HAB YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS. SIN WE NO HABE GOOD TECHNIOLOGICAL ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.

PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. TANK YOU FOR HALPING ME.

JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUJEZ-GARCIA, "MEHICAN HACKER"

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My favorite word today is scale. N., what you bring up to. Def.: That thing in your bathroom that always lies.

Dipping Pigtails in the Inkwell

You remember way back when? When we had a series of these? So, here's another one. Some artist is really crafty.

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Good name for a restaurant: Sam 'n' Ella's.

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Now it's time for me to show how good I am at whacking out memes. This one I stole from Yukon Mom, a good writer (also known as Average Mom) you should get to know. What is given are five words, and you pen your reaction. Pretty simple.

Sink: Down in Florida they have sinkholes, where the land suddenly drops out of sight for about 20-30 feet, sometimes into a pool of water. I am telling you this so you will keep your butt out of Florida.

Apple: When horses are put in a parade, they are guaranteed to drop horse apples, which are fairly bad to eat. Shoveling horse apples is not a career I would recommend, but immigrants need the work. Anyway, this is what comes to mind when I think of "apple." I suppose it's the same for you.

Remote: I don't know which is more remote, the Wallowa Lakes of Eastern Oregon or the Green Lakes of Central Oregon. Most people haven't seen any of them because they are looking for their remote in the TV room and don't have time to travel. Utah is pretty remote, too. As is the City of Remote, in Oregon.

Stool: This is a tricky one. You don't want to be thinking of your morning dump, so better you think of milking a cow from the milking stool. Or becoming a stoolie by ratting out your mischievous kids. Or getting some bar stools from the Import Plaza. Just don't be thinking of your morning constitutional. It's always brown.

Tire: Did you know that in the last six months I have gained a spare tire around my middle that rivals yours? Sometimes, though, this word reminds me how tired I am of b**gging my ass off and failing to be rewarded by chuckles, guffaws and thigh slaps. Bastards.

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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., as old as you feel. Def.: When you don't care what the neighbors think.

I Would Gogh Anywhere With You

Everybody loves a good Jesus joke, right? So take a trip here.

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My buddy Judy has sent me Van Gogh's Family Tree. It goes like this:

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother: Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach: Wells Far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin: Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking: Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there you Gogh.

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My favorite word today is poltergeist. N., this is getting sort of shady. Def.: What eats one of every two socks in your clothes dryer.

Some Things We Didn't Know About

Before I re-upped with my Scamp, I didn't know about having grandkids. I am such a fool.

Anyway, I have a granddaughter, who is 10, and a grandson, who is 8. The 10-year-old, named Savannah, plays soccer and rides horses. At her last soccer game she suddenly became very aggressive, and scored a goal. The teammates now call her "The Sazzinator."

This not her. This is me and the Scamp, watching the game. Later on, I got the hat because I hate sunshine and she is so nice to me.

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So Scamp and I are in Bend, in Central Oregon, tooling around here and there, when I spied this sign. Hoo boy, Mervin Sampels is my uncle, who owned a farm north of Bend, and where I lived for awhile after my folks rented it from him. It was about a mile out of town, and it bordered this road.

Today, it is practically city center. When I left town, in 1948, Bend had about 9,000 residents. Today is has over 70,000, and is among the fastest-growing places in the Newnited States.

It is the only place in America that has a Mervin Sampels Road. Pretty classy, you ask me.

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So the Lebanese sent Haifa Webbe, their bombshell of Lebanese music videos, off to negotiate with the Israelis. Much later, she returned, pregnant.

"What happened, Haifa?," implored one Hezbollah gunslinger.

"I thought," she replied, "to bring you another small hostage."

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My favorite phrase today is middle age. Adj., the new 40 going on 50. Def.: When you are convinced that you will feel better in a couple of weeks.

Short Shrift Saturday #38 Sunday #1

I told you a few days ago I would get some neat pix. This is Pic No. 1, which was supposed to be of a dragon fly. I guess you could embiggen this but I think the dragonfly flew off before I punched "take this picture." Just know that my heart was in the right place.

(Off to the right is part of my buddy, Scamp. You know all I am going to tell you about her, except that she is not a dragon fly.)

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This is hot Pic No. 2, of a fish jumping in the Deschutes River south of Bend. See, you look about 12 feet off the bank, and that's where this fish was jumping. Apparently, my shutter speed is not as fast as I thought since I can't see the fish, either. But it was there. Was an easy 8 inches. Fish that size are golden around these parts.

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This is my best yet, pluperfect Pic No. 3. This is a photo showing where Mt. Mazama used to be. Mt. Mazama was about 14,000 feet tall when it blew its top 8,000 years ago, showering Indonesia and the local Indian population with ash. When all was said and done, it left this huge caldera where a deep, deep lake formed. It was not called Devil's Lake -- there are too many of those. No, it got a terrific name that had nothing to do with volcanoes: Crater Lake.

If I get around to taking a picture of Crater Lake, you will be the first to see it. I am not likely to get a better picture of Mt. Mazama.

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My favorite word today is gush. N., What all young girls do when talking about their first love. Def.: Despite your best efforts, this is what occurs when you try to gently add an ingredient, like flour into a white sauce, tomato catsup on your french fries, or sperm into a human being. (--The Meaning of Liff.)

Rabbits and Crystal

Today, as usual, I am showing you a picture of a rabbit and then I say "Rabbit! Rabbit!" so I will have good luck for the rest of the month. Imagine that: you staring at a good ol' bunny so I can get lucky.

(Ho ho har de har har. I said "get lucky.")

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Also today I am pleased to award A Perfect Post to Crystal for her very funny piece about traveling pants that are getting farther and farther away from her.

In fact, Crystal was funny the whole month long. So go see her pant.

The Perfect Post awards are the dreamchild of Momma K and Lucinda. Go visit them too, to see all of today's awards.

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Today Scamp and Muldoon are traveling in Central Oregon. So, sure, I will take some pictures.