Flowering Plants Find a Hero

It appears as if I am the sole surviving member of the Inventions Committee of my Older'n Dirt Old Folks' Home. All the other members said Bingo was more fun. But it turns out Ol' Hoss don't need help because -- hot damn! -- I got me another world-beater idea for makin' money:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Flowering Plants. Wait, hear me out...

There is this organization called PETA -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They's the ones go around saying "Don't eat Bambi," or "Make space in your bedroom for Elsie the Cow." If you get mice in your house you're supposed to trap 'em live and let 'em go in your neighbor's yard. Take a baby seal to lunch. That sort of thing. They raise a lot of money so's they can spread the word.

Well, listen up; flowers got feelings, too. So here's the new plan for Hoss to Make My Pile. I have registered as the executive director and chief fund raiser for 70,000 divisions of People for the Ethical Treatment of Flowering Plants (PETFP). We got PETFP - Pansies, PETFP - Dahlias, PETFP - Skunk Cabbage, and so on.

People are suckers for flowers. You don't believe me, go over and visit Sugarfused. She put up a picture of a marigold and got 14 comments!! Real flower freaks.

Let me tell you, flowers do NOT like to be picked. You ain't heard nothin' till you heard the primordial scream of a cotton boll when it's plucked. (It's kind of hard to hear, so just take my word for it.) PETFP - Cotton Boll is incorporated to put a stop to cotton pickers.

What if some yahoo goes through Florida picking off all the orange blossoms? Orange blossoms might not like this, and the farmers sure as hell wouldn't. So those guys will want help from PETFP - Florida Oranges. I don't know if people are plucking orange blossoms, so it shouldn't cost a lot to get it stopped.

I will be accepting contributions startin' tomorrow to launch the much-needed PETFP divisions in the areas of Roses, Peonies, Chrysanthemums and Corpse Plant. These are the ones most likely to be subjected to picking over the next few months.

I haven't yet decided what would be a fair rake-off on the contributions for the Ol' Hoss Fund. Anything less than 50% would be pretty demeaning, seein's how I thought this up all by myself. (Hoo boy, this tickles me. I have once again beat my buddy Bill Gates out of a money-makin' proposition. Wow, will he be sore.)

Since all 70,000 of these corporations will be non-profit, maybe I can get free ads on the teevee networks. Naturally, I will be out front-and-center, Jerry Falwell-wise, pleadin' for contributions for the work of the Lord and me.

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My favorite word today is groper. n. loislaneism. Def.: A small dog trained to sniff your private parts.