How to Cook a Kangaroo

Here I promised you a camel recipe, and came up instead with

Roast Kangaroo

Select and clean one medium kangaroo

Rub inside with 14 cloves of garlic

Stuff with one roast lamb, which has been stuffed with four chickens, which have been stuffed with one fish each, which are stuffed with hard-boiled eggs.

Make a big hole in the sand, fill bottom with red hot rocks. Cover with eucalyptus fronds. Place kangaroo in hole, cover with more fronds and cover with sand. Don't ever dig it up. Kangaroo does not taste like chicken.

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Old is when....

Your friends compliment you on your alligator shoes -- and you're barefoot.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take the fiber today.

"Getting lucky" is when you find your car in the parking lot.

An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

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My favorite word today is nostalgia. N., in days of yore. Def.: Not what it used to be.

No Time! No Time!

We are moving today, to Wilsonville, Oregon. We do not have time to be funny. (But, geez, these movers are s....l....o....w.......)

I will be back. Friday, maybe. I got a good recipe for you: It's how to roast a camel.

What You Learn From Guido Sarducci

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you have led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And, poof! she is gone.

The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna." And, poof! she is gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter is perplexed. "Sara who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and hands it back, chuckling: "No, sister. The paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in six months."

(If you laughed, you are going straight to hell.)

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they notice a whaling ship. The male says, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and, sure enough, the boat turned over and sank. But the crewmen started swimming toward shore, which angers the male whale.

"Let's swim after them and gobble them up," he tells the female whale. But he notices she is not following.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Look," she says, "I went along with the blow job but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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My favorite phrase today is pig ribs. N., with honeysuckle sauce. Def.: Same as pork ribs, only with hair.

The Senator Picks Her Place

Walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Pete. "But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"I don't see that as a problem," says the senator. "Just let me in."

"Well, I'd like to," says Pete. But I have orders from higher up. I think what we're going to do is have you spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you can choose where you wish to spend eternity."

With that, Pete escorts her to the elevator and down goes the senator, down, down, down to hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a beautiful golf course. In the distance is the clubhouse and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.

Everyone is happy. They run to greet her, shake her hand and reminisce about the good old days. They play a friendly game of golf, then go to dinner where they have lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who is really a very friendly guy who has a good time telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. There she sees St. Peter, who says, "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of souls who move from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They walk the streets of gold, talk with Jesus and generally have a pretty good time. And then the 24 hours is gone, and St. Peter returns.

"Well," he says, "you have spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a moment and then answers, "Well, I would never have believed it, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Pete escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. It is hot, and it is loud with moaning and screaming of the dead. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash as more of it falls from above.

"I don't understand," says the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and had a great time. What happened?"

The devil looks at her, smiles, and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, the election results are in."

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My favorite phrase today is old age. N., it really does get better than this. Def.: When your wife tells you to suck in your gut, and you already have.

It Is Nice to Have Friends

So, this working woman called the range repairman and made her plea.

"My stove doesn't work, and I want you to fix it. I won't be here, but I will leave the key under the mat. Leave your bill on the counter and I'll send you a check.

"One last thing: I have a big dog, named Boris, but don't worry about it. Just do not talk to my parrot. I repeat: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!"

The repairman shows up and sees this big, ugly dog. But, true to her word, the dog just lies there, watching the repairman go about his work.

It is different with the parrot, however. All the time the repairman is there, the parrot assaults him with vile language, calls him stupid, and never shuts up. The repairman finally can't stand it, and shouts: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

The parrot: "Sic him, Boris."

(Honestly, I sometimes forget where I get this stuff. Except Bonnie sent me these next ones, which I had to change slightly because accordions are a lot funnier than cellos.)

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A noted comic was flying to Atlanta. He told his seatmate: "I've got a great accordion joke. Want to hear it?"

Seatmate: "I should warn you: I'm an accordionist."

Comic: "That's okay. I'll tell it really slow."

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Q: Why should you not drive off a cliff with three accordions in a minivan?

A: You had room for one more.

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My favorite word today is man. N., Casper Milquetoast. Def.: At the end of a tough week, Big Ernie was really tired when he made this thing.

Politics for the Political

You would think I would have done something like this a couple days ago, just in advance of Halloween. But, see, I lose my brain pretty often, so it can happen anytime. (P. & S.: None of these people is as pretty as me.)

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So, on to local politics, like, from The Oregonian:

Mary Starrett, the Constitution Party's candidate for Governor, does a "blind date" spoof for her Candidates Gone Wild video. As the "date" comes to a close, Starrett and her companion have that awkward conversation:

"Do you love me enough to BLEEP me?", Mary inquires.*

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Ron Saxton, Republican candidate for Governor and former Portland School Board member, sent out a mailer: "Saxton for Governer."

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Rob Brading, the Democratic candidate challenging Speaker of the House Karen Minnis, was born with the name Robert Dick, but had it legally changed.

If any GOP elephant wants to make something of it, the Dems are prepared. Their headline? "Rob Brading, not a Dick anymore."

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My favorite word today is politics. N., strange bedfellows. Def.: Keep your children away from this.

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(* Vote for)

Elephant! Elephant!

You know the drill: Right after Halloween you say Elephant! Elephant!, and all month you will have good luck.


(Maybe you say Rabbit! Rabbit! at the first of EACH month. It's been awhile. But the thing is, I DO have an elephant joke.)

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This is a great recipe:

Take one elephant and cut it into bite-size pieces. Cook until tender. This will serve 4,360 people.

If you have more people than that, it is okay to add a couple of rabbits to the mix. But be warned: Some people do not like hare in their stew.

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"Is this beef rare?"

"Well, no. We have it, like, just about every day."

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My favorite word today is grindstone. N., Down by the old grindstone, where I first met you.... Def.: Get polished or ground down, take your pick.

Ho Ho Har de Har Har

A public employee is in an accident, and is badly injured. On awakening, his best friend is there to tell him "I have good news and bad news."

Friend: "First off, you are severely injured and you'll never be able to work again."

Public Employee: "Okay, what's the bad news?"

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I had/have this bad hip, for which I got a cortisone shot. No dice. So my Doc says he's going to give me an epidural, which is a shot in the lumbar region.

"What do you call that?" I inquired.

"A shot in the woods," he replied.

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So these two guys go way out in the woods (lumber region) camping. They have plenty of beer, but discover they have no opener.

Fred says to Chet: "You'll have to go back to town and get us an opener."

Chet: "No, I'm not going. As soon as I go you'll eat up all the food."

Fred: "No I won't. I'll wait till you get back."

So Chet leaves. After about 5 days, Fred is a bit hungry. So he opens up a little sack of lunch meat and takes a bite.

Chet, who is hiding behind a big boulder: "I knew it! I'm not going!"

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My favorite word today is mulct. N., a-slithery a-goo goo. Past tense of milk.

Eat Your Heart Out

Here are your tips for a successful Holiday feed:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door, where they are having rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Like fine, single-malt scotch, it's rare. You will not find it any other time of year. Prosit!

3. If something comes with gravy, eat it. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Eat the potatoes. Repeat.

4. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of Christmas dining is to eat other people's food for free.

5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. Your belly will get too small for fruitcake.

6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes: If you leave them behind, you will never see them again.

7. Did I mention fruitcake? Sorry about that. Granted, it is loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. Prove that you have standards that do not include eating the doorstop.

8. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party, you haven't been paying attention. Reread these tips, and start over.

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My favorite word today is sex. N., let's hear it for testosterone. Def.: A bad thing that rumples clothes.

I Think I Had a Bad Day

All of you women who want to, can steal this and then show it to your husband/mate/partner/zombie. Just so they know you know.

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When a man steals your wife, there is no greater revenge than to let him keep her.

The big question, which no one has been able to answer: "What does woman want?"

I had some words with my wife; she had some paragraphs with me.

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." --Sam Kinison.

"I've had bad luck with two wives: The first one left me, and the second one didn't." --Patrick Murray.

The most effective means of remembering your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." --Milton Berle.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met." --Rodney Dangerfield.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy (dourly): "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

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(You know all this is in fun. I love women almost as much as I hate small children.)

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My favorite word today is marriage. N., the lines are getting blurry. Def.: A faster way of transferring funds than electronic banking.

Up to My Neck

And a happy, happy Halloween to you. (Hard cider is not what it's cracked up to be. Or maybe it is?)

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Anyway, it's time for a Halloween story:

An elderly couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in forever decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into the bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the husband cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She responded, "I can go any way I like. And so can you."

So he goes into the bedroom, then comes out stark, raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

He: "Yep. If you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dictator."

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Two girls are chatting, and one admires the other's skin. "What makes it so soft and beautiful?" she inquired.

"Once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk, and just soak in it," she replied.

So this girl goes out to a farm and tells the farmer, "I'd like a lot of milk."

Him: "How much?"

Her: "Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

Him: "Okay, pasteurized?"

Her: "No, just up to my neck."

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My favorite word today is snow. N., what's new? I don't know; what snew with you? Def.: What didn't exist, but old people remember walking to school in it.

Look What Feelgood Got

Gee whillikers, I didn't know this: Feelgood Haines is a big shot in the northern Willamette Valley of Oregon. This is my buddy who used to dwell with me in the Olden Folks Home before we both escaped a couple months ago. So I asked him, "Look, Feelgood, you got a street named after you? You one of them rich dudes?"

Feelgood: "That street was indeed named after me. Ain't that a pistol?"

Ol' Hoss: "Excuse me, Feelgood, now that I think back on it, local history nuts say that street was named in 1860, long before you was a glimmer in your Daddy's eye. So I think you're funnin' me."

Feelgood: "That's right, Hoss, named in 1860 and named after me. Tomorrow I will be 146."

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Sippy cups are not for chardonnay.

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A farmer is out in his apple orchard with his hogs. He lifts a hog up to the tree where it can get an apple, then sets it down. Then he lifts another hog up so it can get an apple and sets it back down.

A passerby says, "Say, Farmer Friend, wouldn't it save time if you picked the apples and threw them to the hogs?"

Farmer: "What do hogs care about time?"

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My favorite word today is bore. N., the Great I Am. Def.: A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in. --Henry Ford.

Things They Want Back

BIDE-A-WEE WEE

Tisha Sharp is having b**g trouble, and is undergoing maintenance. For those of you who visit, don't give up. She will be back among us presently (I think). She's at http://www.tishasharp.com. Thankew kindly.

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Ever have one of those times when you say something -- and then wish you could have the words back while you crawl into a hole? Here are some nifties from my buddy, the Teacher Woman:

"I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'"

"I was at a golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the woman's type the pro had sold me. After browsing for awhile, I found a clerk, who asked if he could help me. I said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'"

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'"

"Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day he and I stopped at a Taco Bell for lunch between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. I recalled that Danny had not gone potty for awhile. I said, 'Do you need to go potty?' He said, 'No.' But the smell continued to rise. I asked again, 'Danny, don't you need to go potty?' 'No!' he shouted. He pulled down his pants, bent over, spread his checks and said, 'See, it's just farts!'"

"What happens when you predict snow and don't get any? We had a female news anchor, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, who asked the co-anchor, 'So, Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'"

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My favorite word today is statesman. N., I don't remember anything bad about him. Def.: A dead politician.

A Thing That Goes Sorry in the Night

What I mean, is, I'm sorry I haven't published much lately. (This is a picture of me being sorry.) I am not sick, but I am not exactly well, either, so I have been going to this Doc and that Doc trying to get to be ordinary. Here's a sample:

9 a.m. -- Get new glasses. Cheap at Costco! Remove glasses when working at computer because my neck aches. Cheap is good, though.
10 a.m. -- Appointment with Dermatologist, who lays on me some 3M cream for a squamish cancer on my nose-bone. Claims it will fix me right up -- in six weeks!
11:15 a.m. -- Dr. Jimmy Dee, get cortisone shot for bad hip, which you didn't know about until now.
12:30 p.m. -- Get Tooth Dentist to grind a spot off my denture that is giving me fits.
2 p.m. -- Respiratory rehab, 9 weeks, twice a week.
3:30 p.m. -- Ear doctor, get new hearing aids. $1900 down the drain. (Well, only sort of, because I can now hear much better.)
4:15 p.m. -- Appointment with Stent Doc to see if new stent is in the right place (so far, so good). This replaces part of my abdominal aorta, which was, like, too wide, like.
4:30 p.m. -- Happy Hour, drown my sorrows.

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Now then, since this is all about me, I have to tell you that Scamp and I will be moving in November. Lately we have been packing books. I have 4 books to pack, and I am nearly done. Scamp has 4,000 books to pack and she is ahead of me.

(What is she doing with a book about Brain Disease? Did she know I was coming?)

On the front porch right now is a "gift" from UPS -- a new Weber grill. Is burning propane good or bad for global warming?

We are going to get a 37" TV, provided the kids take my broad hint. Right now, Scamp has teevees all over the house, but none of the screens is bigger than 13", and one of them is only 4". You cannot show a legal-sized trout on a screen that small.

Feelgood has been sniffing around ("Where we moving off to, Hoss?"). This is why I haven't told you, either.

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My favorite word today is Dubya. N., Texas weasel. Def.: Man given brain by mistake, since all he uses is his spinal cord.

It Takes One to Know One

I never eat catsup on my hot dog. So this fella on the left is very strange.

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"It's vile. It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction." --Ex.-Rep. Mark Foley, in 1998, on Bill Clinton.

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"I'm not, like, that smart." --Paris HIlton.

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"I think I know how to get my dog to stop eating poop. All I need to do is somehow find a way to make it taste bad." --Sebastian Pivnicka.

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"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they choose."

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The new political correctivity: Two kids out playing Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

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My favorite phrase today is less is more. N., an old, dreary adage. Def.: Nonsense. More is more, no less.

Be Good at This, Son

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son," he said. "Do your best. Just remember that if something happens to me, your mother is going to come live with you and your wife."

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The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied with life and long for your youth, remember Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old man says, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's okay. And what a coincidence -- I'm looking for my wife, too."

The first old guys says, "Well, maybe I can give you a hand. What does she look like?"

"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. By the way, what does your wife look like?"

"Never mind," he says. "Let's look for yours."

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My favorite word today is trouble. N., right here in River City. What happens at your wedding when your bride gives you the wrong finger.

Like Grandpa Likes

A small boy is lost at a large shopping mall. He approaches a uniformed policeman and says, "I've lost my grandpa."

Policeman: "What's your grandpa like?"

Little boy: "Crown Royal and women with big tits."

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The only time a world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If Big Ernie had wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

It's not hard to meet expenses: They're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time wondering about the hereafter. I get to where I'm going then wonder what I'm here after.

If all is not lost, where is it?

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My favorite phrase today is c'est la vie. N., stupid French. Def.: So it goes.

What Happens to a Nuklar President

My tale of illness has reminded me of my mortality, which, of course, reminds me of reincarnation, since I don't plan to be gone for long.

Then I thought about George Dubya, and maybe he can recincarnate, too. So here is how this works:

I come back as Lance Armstrong on a bicycle, so as to combat global warming.

Dubya comes back as a oil well. What he don't know is that we're never going to tap it.

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This guy goes into an ice cream shop and asks for a sundae with extra hot fudge.

Waitress: "Hot fudge only comes in one temperature."

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The other guy goes into a shoe store, and tries some on.

"These feel a little tight," he says to the shoe salesman.

The shoe salesman bends down, looks, and says, "Try pulling the tongue out."

"Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

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Terrorists take over a hotel where 500 lawyers are convening.

"Meet our demands," the ransom note says, "or we will be releasing one lawyer every hour."

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My favorite phrase today is "The Story of the Hare and the Tortoise." N., see how they run. Def.: A little tale written for the tortoise market.

When You and I Were Old, Maggie

When you get old like me, you forget a lot. For instance, have I run this cartoon before? Was it funny then? Is it funny now? Which way does the cat have the toilet paper roll: over the top (correct), or under the bottom (way incorrect)? Do cats need toilet paper? Let me tell you why I was sick.

I was sick because I had a relapse from surgery for my aneurysms. It is not good to be under the weather, which is all it was. Here's what happened:

Feelgood Haines: "You shoulda stayed in the hospital one more day, Hoss."

Hoss: "Why is that?"

Feelgood: "Nurses kind of relax around you, and you get a chance to cop a feel."

I am now well. Feelgood is nursing a black eye.

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Classified Ad:

"2006 Suzuki GSXR 1000. This bike is perfect. It has 1,000 miles and has had its 500-mile dealer service (very expensive). It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I am selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently, 'Do whatever the f*** you want' doesn't mean what I thought. Call Steve, 555.xxxx."

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My favorite word today is old. N., I knew her when. Def.: Being complimented on your alligator shoes when you're going barefoot.

Moon on a Stick

Sorry, but I cannot remember who first came up with the idea for "Moon on a Stick." It was such a grand idea for drivers who have nothing better to do than to "stick" it to tailgaters.

Maybe in was Jamie Dawn who called my attention to this. Anyway, my pal Scamp has taken the idea to its logical conclusion, hence this picture. Lovely, what?

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A man and a woman go into a restaurant. The waiter says the specials of the day are spiced almond chicken, or fresh fish.

The woman says, "I'll have the chicken."

The waiter says, "And for the vegetable?"

She: "He'll have the fish."

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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

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My favorite word today is woman. N., sweet Adeline. Def.: How Big Ernie rectified his first mistake.