Celebrities I Haven't Known and Loved

This lady who is three months younger than me is peed off. See there's this site, The Ageless Project, that lists the Oldest B**ggers by decade, and until I started writing Internet pieces she was the oldest in the 1930's. I don't know about people who strive to be the oldest at anything. I think bein' one year old would be a helluva lot better than bein' 74 303/365ths like I am.

So anyway, this lady, Rainey, has tagged me with one of them "meme" things. This is okay, because I got all the answers to everything, as you well know.

Not everybody puts the hate on Ol' Hoss, either. For instance, take a look at what Ol' Hoss has to say about hisself. It is fun to be me. I got a mirror on my bathroom ceiling so I can watch myself gargle.

Here's the meme thing about celebrities such as me:

1. If you were a celebrity, what kind would it be (movies, TV, literature, crime, etc.)?

Ol' Hoss longs to be an Archie Bunker. I would love to be able to say "Chink," "Polack," "nigger," "wop" and "dago" and get away with it.*

2. Which other celebrities would you make a concerted effort to try to be around?

I like funny rather than famous, so go read Latigo Flint, a steely-eyed gunfighter "who is the greatest quickdraw the world has ever known."

3. Which othere celebrities would you avoid like the plague?

Gerealdo Rivera, Barbara Walters, Joe Theismann, Howard Stern, O.J. Simpson, Hilary R. Clinton, George W. Bushism ("Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country." -- In Missouri, 9/2004)

4. Which celebrities would you date?

Whichever of 'em has got enough money to keep me in escargot and abalone.

5. What would be your celebrity cause?

To Make My Pile.

6. Since celebrities always get off, what crime(s) would you commit?

You mean, after I has mooned the President, or before?

7. What would be the name of your tell-all book?

"What Eel-Snigglers Know."

(* Hah! Just did!)

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This guy is driving on a narrow mountain road and meets up with another car. As they pass, the woman in the other car yells at him, "Pig!" He yells back, "Cow!"

As the guy drives around the next corner he runs into a pig.

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My favorite word today is explain. Vb., hi diddle diddle. Def.: What you do when the matchbook you use to level the table leg turns out to be from a lap-dance bar your wife didn't know about.