I Think I'll Teach You How to Write

My buddy Se7en put a Site Meter on my page on April 23 because I am a whore for comments. I think I was supposed to tootle my horn when I went to 10,000, but it got away from me. So anyway, here is "One Thumb Up or Down" for whomever is visitor No. ...let's see...um...12002, which might happen today. I DO love me some comments; they're always funnier than Ol' Hoss.

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Somebody emailed me and said Ol' Hoss shouldn't be referring to Ol' Hoss in the third person. Well, there is a decent explanation for this. See, I am one of the best writers ever borned, but I am so modest I can't just come right out and say that. So the next best thing to say is: "Ol' Hoss is one of the best writers ever borned." See the differments? Modesty prohibits me from making the claim, but it's okay if YOU say it. If this doesn't make sense, there is no hope for you.

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Somebody else wrote to say: "I don't get your writing style. You start out one place and wind up somewhere else far removed. This is confusing and ineffective."

WHAT THE HELL!!?? Hemingway and Obadiah and Karl Marx and all the good writers penned their stuff like that, and they sold lots a books. But I will leave it up to my readers. Below is a short story where Hoss struts his stuff. You get to vote on it, on a scale of one to ten, where one is "dreary" and ten is "shows no merit."

A SHORT STORY IN A FINE WRITING STYLE

"Bobby Fischer, once the world's chess champ, is crazy as a latent zookeeper but he has got hisself a nice home in Iceland. He got asylum because the asshole U.S. government wants to put him in jail for some ass-crack reason. Iceland has been visited by two Presidents, Nixon and Reagan. They never met Fischer because neither ever advanced much past checkers. Well, Nixon gave "the Checkers Speech," but that didn't help Fischer much.

"Iceland is where the world's first hydrogen filling station was developed. The little country also is full of geothermal sites, like in Yellowstone Park, which was made a National Park by Teddy Roosevelt. Yellowstone is pretty close to Glacier Park in Montana, where Ford has those buses powered by natural gas. Which is how you spell Reykjavik."

The voting starts now.

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My pal Lorraine has this friend who got an answer to his letter to a congressman:

"Mr. Lee XXXXX
"Grand Rapids, Michigan

"Dear Lee:

"Letter begins here.

"Sincerely,
"Vernon J. Ehlers
"Member of Congress"

The sonofabitch is speechless.

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My favorite word today is corner. N., looking good. Def.: A part of the eye used to avoid being blindsided.