So What About Huevos and Tequila?

Us male people in the Old and in the Way Home are being well treated these days. At night to give us hot chocolate to help us sleep, and Viagra to make sure we don't roll out of bed.

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Listen, I warned you the other day that I had a rant coming, and it's been boilin' up in my inside. Sosmetimes a guy has got to do to a guy who's got it coming. Well, it's not a guy; it's Mexico City's air quality. You would think, after all the warning they been getting, that they would give up their cars and start riding bicycles like the people in Los Angeles.

Look at this picture. See them arrows coming over the hills into Mexico City? Those are Mexican jumping beans which, once they get into town, turn into frijoles that cause all the farting that fills the air with methane. (If they wasn't Mexican jumping beans they couldn't get over the hills, so that's the why of that.)

Then there's their damn hot sauces, fired up with habanero and pequin chiles. People eat that shit and breathe fire, which ignites all the cardboard that's laying around waiting for somebody to build a house in Tijuana out of it. So there you get some more air pollution.

The cars they got in Mexico City are all 30-year-old Oldsmobiles and Pontiacs and Renaults. These cars is in such bad shape that they put out pollution even when they're not running. Lots of people in Texas has got rich selling Mexicans their junkers. They got more yard cars in Mexico than they got people.

The latest law they passed limits everybody to 57 breaths a day. This was an advertising payback to Heinz 57 Sauce, which moved all their factories to Mexico because President Fox said Heinz couldn't get the blacks to do the work. Heinz 57 is not a big seller in Mexico because it doesn't cause heartburn. So it's all brought to the U.S. in broken-down trucks because they want to spread the pollution around.

Don't think for a minute I am anti-Mexican. Listen, some of my best friends aren't Mexican. They aren't Texans, either.

I think the solution to the air quality problem down there is to move Mexico City to Florida so it can get washed up by one of them hurricanes. Clean their air right up.

I probably ought to get paid for comin' up with solutions like this, but, what the hell, this one is on me.

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When I did that piece about Tennessee over at Poop Happens, somebody said I forgot to mention Tennessee Williams, the playwright. Well, that wasn't an oversight. T. Williams never lived in Tennessee, although his dad did.

Tennessee Williams was a homo. He is not the first homo who never lived in Tennessee, and probably won't be the last. For instance, there is a lot of people in San Francisco who are not moving to Tennessee today.

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My favorite word today is hearing aid. N., $2,000 a pop. The thing that doesn't work when talk turns to moving mum into a nursing home.