Who Is Worser Off Than Anybody?

I have long prided myself on being a servant to mankind. I have delivered a lot of humor and soggy sandwiches to people throughout the country, especially in Texas and Macedonia. So it was with no reluctance that I have commissioned a Willamette University freshman to find a certain someone.

Let me backtrack. You remember that Aesop fable where a bunch of rabbits was about to drown themselves in a lake because they got scared by some horses? What happened was, the rabbits then scared some frogs, who jumped into the lake. So, the rabbits reasoned, "There is always someone worse off than yourself." Well, that's what Aesop had them sayin'. I wasn't there.

What I want this freshman to do is find the guy who has no one worse off than himself. I suspect this fella will look pretty much like the guy in the picture. There just has to be somebody who is worse off than everybody else; otherwise we have nothing to compare to. And then when my freshman finds this guy, he's gonna give him US $100 from me, which then will make somebody else worse off than everybody.

This last guy, I ain't giving $100 to. I can't help 'em all.

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I know this swell lady, Wisconsin Chris, who's putting her health (sleep?) on the line on Aug. 6. Starting at 9 a.m. that day she is committed to writing a Internet piece every half-hour for 24 hours to raise money for charity. The charity is the Elton John Aids Foundation. Ol' Hoss has pledged; now it's your turn.

Go to Chris's Place and click on the link to the right that says "Make a Pledge to My Campaign." That will take you to a site where you'll find an orange navigation bar. Click on Sponsor FAQ and follow the instructions from there. Pledge any amount, from $1 up. Don't be stingy.

Also, if you want to provide Chris with some relief posting during the 24 hours (as Ol' Hoss will do), let her know in the "Comments" section. Good; you're really nice.

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Can you spot what is wrong with this sentence?: "21% of the people are 21% of the people 100% of the time, but there is a sucker born every minute."

My Australian buddy, Oz, points out that there is such a thing as "giving more than 100 percent." For a colloquy on the subject, and a real rib tickler, go to Ozguru.

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My favorite word today is tension. Vb., spit it out. Def.: The unbidden movement of the lips of someone trying to help out a stutterer.