Das Book: My Cup Continue to Runneth

(Synopsis: Chapter 1 might have detailed the early friendship between Teddy Roosevelt and Frank Buck. Chapter 2 explained why it is preferable to take deep breaths rather than being stepped on by an elephant. Chapter 3 was made up entirely of clefs, codas, and 16th notes that peppered the music of John Phillip Sousa. Chapter 4 detailed the life of a boy whose middle name did not lend itself to chicken jokes.)

CHAPTER FIVE

This is the life story of a tree: It grew up, the logger logged it, the bucker* bucked it, the choker setter** choked it, the whistle punk*** whistled, the skidder**** skidded it to the landing and the loader loaded it. The trucker took it to a lumber mill. The mill cut it into pieces called wood. A builder made it into a house. The house was destroyed by termites.*****

The story did not fit well with Hector McBuck Buck, only child of Fifty and Two-Dolla Buck, the twins born to Buck Leroy Buck. Twins ordinarily don't marry, except in West Virginia. Fifty Buck herself performed the rites since she had been ordained by the Universal Life Church, as has everybody else.

It was on a calm and stormy night that Hector McBuck Buck had a vision. "I have been called upon to save trees from termites and other bestiality....Oh, my! What I just said! It is so portentous: 'called upon.'"

Thus was born "Called Up Pond." An idyllic retreat once occupied by a gentleman named Thorough, it was from there that Hector wrote epistles against the savaging of trees by termites, gypsy moths, West Nile virus and gonorrhea. Here is the content of one of Hector's pieces on "The Blog From Called Up Pond":

"When I awoke this morning I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted. Breakfast was Pop Tarts and cold coffee. The electricity is not out; we never had any.

"I slept well. Nothing much to write about again today, but I sure appreciate your comments, so keep 'em coming, kids. Oh, I did kill two carpenter ants yesterday.

"I guess this is a pretty good piece today after all. Yoda said I should up the flagpole run it and salute if anybody sees."

* Cutting limbs off the tree, and cutting the tree into segments.
** Setting a cable around one end of the tree.
*** The "punk" whistles to warn workers that a tree is about to be moved.
**** A tractor that drags the tree to the landing.
***** A bug smaller than a bread box.

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My favorite word today is downleg. N., law of gravity. Def.: A guy's pee that doesn't get into the urinal.