Sort of Back in the Book Business

Last week I tried a couple of times to post that picture of the Oregon Sea Lion Caves, and it just didn't take. But I am a persistent cuss, so I've finally been able to get 'er done. I don't have room for it in this post, though, but if you click here at This Place you can see the picture. It's pretty nifty.

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The Smithsonian Institution is all over me like a tall dog. Folks there want me to donate my latest archaeological find, a missing piece of The Bible. See, on my last trip to Dallas, Texas, I was fumbling around in my treasure maps and I came across one that led me to an historical hotspot. There is where I found The Book of Hemp, which now has been designated as "The Grassy Knoll Scroll."

We all should have known there was a lost book of The Bible. In Numero Uno 4:12 it says, "The odds of getting high are very high, according to the Hempsters." I didn't check this quote but the Numbers guy was a pretty good oddsmaker so it makes sense. He also went on to describe the hemp, which looks like this.

And there are other biblical mentions. In Genesis 1:11 it says, "And God said, 'Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb that yields seed.'" And there's Hosea 8:7, which sort of points to a disaster in Hemp World: "They sow the wind, And reap the whirlwind. The stalk has no bud."

Here is a selection from THE BOOK OF HEMP:

"1. Thou shalt grow thy hemp from seed to supply thy community with rope and paper. Shouldst thou needest to plant cannabis sativa (a.k.a. weed, reefer, mary jane, pot), so be it.

"2. Yea when thou hast an excess of leaf and bud, thou shalt use it rolled up like a fine panatella to alleviate nausea of pregnancy, reduce depression, treat diarrhea, ease the pain of carpal tunnel and do battle with senility. Thou shalt inhale deeply to ward off the puke.

"3. Shouldst thou engage overly in introspection, smoke thee thine hemp so thy life will not be seen as if in a dumpster.

"4. Note well thine hemp's contribution to economic well-being, for by the baking of brownies thus will the baking industry be glorified; by the making of bongs, thus will the glass industry be stabilized; by storing thine leftovers in baggies will the plastic industry become healthy once again; and grocers will become overjoyed to discover thou hast developed 'the munchies.'

"5. Be not deceived. If thou smokest thine hemp thou wilt be able to do all that thou normally do, but thou wilt recognizeth that it is not worth the effort."

(I don't know whether to sell this thing or give it to the Smithsonian and take the tax dodge. I'd prefer an outright sale for, say, 30 big pieces of silver.)

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My favorite word today is backbiter. N., nouveau riche. Def.: The guy who is rich because his grandparents developed land in the Florida Everglades who now opposes development of the Florida Everglades.