Das Book: The Bucks Stop Here

WEENY WHODUNITS AND OTHER YODA YOGA

(Synopsis: In Chapter 1 we found Frank "Bring 'Em Back Dead or Alive" Buck involved in the elephant parts business in a big way. Frank is being helped by his wife, Pearl Buck, who is the other Pearl Buck, as you shall see, not the one you're thinking of. In Chapter 2, we found ourselves doing deep breathing exercises for no particular reason.)

CHAPTER THREE

Frank "Bring 'Em, etc." Buck was responsible for bringing to the United States thousands of animals from places like Calcutta, India, and Jungle Jim, Brazil. Some of his work included bringing here for the first time such oddities as the elephant pouch (left), the nutria and the banana slug, for which he is rightfully over-appreciated.

In 1935, some 150 rhesus monkeys he had taken to the Chicago World's Fair escaped. This frightened Mrs. O'Leary's replacement cow, causing Lake Michigan.

Frank's wife, Pearl, was not THAT Pearl Buck. THAT Pearl Buck was a lot younger than Frank Buck and besides that she lived most of the time in China and Frank didn't go there much as he had no interest in Giant Pandas. The "famous" Pearl Buck wrote The Good Earth about her time in China. Most of the good earth she wrote about is now under water behind the Three Gorges Dam.

Frank "Bring 'Em Back etc." Buck's most famous trips were the result of assignments to bring back rare animals from Africa. The Chicago Zoo asked him to go to Africa to bring back a rare hornless rhinoceros. Frank hacked his way through the jungle and finally found a guy named Tarzan who was hybridizing, or swinging from, grape vines (this was never made clear). This Tarzan was painting on a strange horse. He seemed to be painting white stripes on a black horse, or black stripes on a white horse, or black and white stripes on a clear horse. Frank said to Tarzan, "You see-'um any hornless rhino anywhere, Chief?"

Tarzan said, "You don't need to talk pidgin to me, buster. I be vanilla, just like you. Anyway, there yonder is the animal you seek-'um."

So Frank collected the rhino, collected his commission, and was promptly hired again and again. He was asked to bring back a short-neck giraffe and a trunkless elephant. Both times he sought help from Tarzan, who, though busy painting stripes on horses, was glad to assist.

Frank Buck died in 1950, not long after writing the famous march music, "Tarzan Stripes Forever."

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My favorite word today is loser. N., of femininity. Def.: The girl who married the guy you dumped.