Hoss Gears Up to Write His Book

My buddy Whizzer has started something very nice: She has begun a "Summer of Compliments," in which she extolls the virtues of various Internet writers she visits. That is such a whale of an idea I am going to be stealing it. (And "Whizzer" is NOT short for bathroom humor. The name is because she is such a whiz, as in ex-Supreme Court Justice Whizzer White, who was an All-American football player.)

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I have decided the way to get rich is to write a best-selling book. I know quite a few people (1) who write pieces on the Internet who have made it big. As you are well aware, I need to raise lots of money in a huge stack to be able to finance my lavish funeral and my comeback reincarnatin'-wise. Writing of a book is called The Means Whereby Hoss Will Make My Pile.

Several friends have discouraged me from writing a book, noting that the last book I wrote was swiped right off the Internet by some Chinese robber barons. I think I'll chance it, though, because the number of hits this site has been getting from China has dropped considerably ever since I started using bigger words, like lachrymose.

The Chinese don't know jack shit about humor, anyway. If they did they'd be stealing right and left from my buddy Esther over at Topic Drift. The Chinese ARE funny, though. The last do-it-yourself kit I got from there advised "connect Part A to Part B unless in Ascuncion, in which case counter-clockwise."

The key to selling books is to have a snappy title. Now, you take a book like "Tropic of Cancer." It wasn't about cancer at all, but it sold well because people are always interested in Reader's Digest-type stories about "My Most Unforgettable Tumor." Or, you take "Forever Amber." This sold to zoology doctoral candidates because they thought it was that kind of amber that solidifies around ancient insects. It also sold to voyeurs.

So, the title to my book is Weenie Whodunits and Other Yoga. See, right there I got all three elements required for a best-seller these days: Sex, Crime and Exercise. I don't know much about any of those things, but I expect to learn as I go along, although I doubt the book will have much sex, crime or exercise tips. I ain't interested in content, I am interested in sales.

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My favorite word today is spackle. N., a la carte. Def.: The bits of food caught in a mustache that hangs over the upper lip, to the annoyance of one's dining companions.