Das Book

Well, Ol' Hoss does not make empty threats. When he says he can write a book, he will. But he has bowed to popular demand, and has amended the title.

WEENY WHODUNITS AND OTHER YODA YOGA

-- A Book by Mr. Horsetail Snake

CHAPTER ONE

It was a dark and stormy night when Frank "Bring 'Em Back Dead or Alive" Buck had his epiphany. "Elephants," he mused, pawing the air where his beard used to be, "have two tusks, but they have FOUR legs. All these years we have been throwing out the baby with the sauna water."

What Frank realized was that elephants were good for something other than growing tusks for the Asian aphrodisiac bodega and the Nigerian piano keys Saturday market. Elephant ears could be made into giant fans to keep the Saudi harems cool as a burpless cucumber, or sold as confections at county fairs. Elephant tails could be made into dusters for use in Old Folks' Homes where people are allergic to feathers. Elephant skin would come in handy for covering furniture, according to Buck's friend Yoda, given that "almost all of the world's naugas their hydes have given up already."

But the meat of the Imogene Coca nut lay in the elephant stem-bones. Elephant legs can be made into chairs and umbrella stands. Instead of using the nation's oak forests for making chairs, the oaks could be used in construction of croquet sets, for which is there is unusually heavy demand. Women owning an elephant leg umbrella stand would delight in coloring the toenails, and Revlon stock would hit a new high. Elephant legs could be bronzed and set outside Frank Lloyd Wright Houses as sort of an afterthought.

Pearl Schmuck Buck, Frank's wife, interrupted his thought of train. "I know what you're thinking. But you have a raw materials problem. See, the elephants are using their bodies for other purposes, none of which involve being made into umbrella stands."

Imperturbable, Frank replied, "They shoot horses, don't they?"

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is parthenogenesis. N., sex-related. Def.: The only long word you know, but which you have been unable to work into a conversation.