10 Commandments and Amendments

Ol' Hoss is infamous. I am mentioned in a story about eldlerly b**ggers written for General Media, which owns a bunch of newspapers in North and South Carolina, Virginia, Florida and Alabama. If'n you wanna see it you can click hereabouts: General Media.

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"Exodus" is a damn good word. It don't get used much, though. People got so used to sayin' "migrate" and "emigrate" that "exodate" just went out of style. It would be good down on the Mexican border: "Hey, amigos, let's swim across the Rio Grande exodus to the U.S.A."

It was Moses what invented the word "exodus" when he was over there wading in water afflicted with the red tide disease and talkin' to God 'n' stuff. It was while he was on that long vacation that he got some good ideas from God on how people oughta act. Before this, people didn't have any rules, which scientists have put in the category of "too bad." Politicians especially need rules for other people to live by so they can screw the people who are living by the rules.

It has been a long time since the Ten Commandments has been updated, so I'm gonna take care of that. Cripes, I have to do everything.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me except during the 13 weeks of "American Idol."

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images except for the Oscar Awards, which during times of metal shortages, like during World War II, shalt be made out of wood.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. If you are going to say goddam, no capitals, please. HE kind of likes the nickname "Big Ernie."

4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Most popular holidays shalt fall on Monday (except for My Boy's birthday) so as to give the faithful a three-day weekend.

5. Honor thy father and mother. It is especially bad form to add the word "fucker" to the word "mother." In Big Ernie's eyes, this is a major no-no.

6. Thou shalt not kill, except for kudzu, mosquitoes, blow flies and people who have the misfortune of living in Red states.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. (This Commandment is presently on hold while the states sort out the definition. Most everybody agrees that adultery can only be committed by adults, given the root derivation of the word, which is Hebrew for "diddle.")

8. Thou shalt not be caught stealing.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor unless he's rich and living in Neverland.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass...

There's more, but I am knocked out by the image of a guy chiseling into stone something about grabbing ass.

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My favorite word today is bizarre. Adj., the stars at night. Def.: Description of the dress at least one New York designer will provide for an actress at the Academy Awards ceremony.