A Birthday Is Followed by Pestilence

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MILLIE GARFIELD

Millie Garfield was born Aug. 18, 1925. She is one of the oldest known writers on the Internet.

Go wish Millie Happy 80th Birthday at My Mom's Blog.

I read somewhere about a b**gger in Canada who is older than Millie, but I can't find the source. Scientists put this in the category of "too bad." All I know for sure is that Millie has me beat by five years.

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About all a person in a Used Up Folks' Home has to do is watch television, read, and think. Sometimes you can think while watching TV or reading, if you can multi-task like I can. So I was reading an Internet piece by a lady who got Lyme disease and at the same time I was thinking about pestilence.

You don't hear a lot about pestilence these days. The word has sort of gone passe' in favor of "crisis" or "disaster" or "epidemic". But it is wise to be warned of pestilence, since it might get popular again. In case it does, here are the Top 10 things to worry about:

1. Having an A branded on your chest, a la Hester Prynne.
2. 666 or 616. There is some debate, now, about Satan's number. Stay tuned.
3. Kudzu. It has eaten the South and it is coming your way, Yankee.
4. West Nile virus. It is unfortunate that a lovely place like the Nile gets associated with a terrible disease. But then I guess we wouldn't have Cock peculiar tumor, named for Edward Cock.
5. The aforementioned Lyme disease. This is caused by a tiny tick that leaves a bulls-eye mark on your skin. This is so its cousin, the yellow jacket, knows where to sting.
6. AIDS. You don't want to get this. A lot of people already have it and they seem to want to share. Don't accept the offer.
7. Chlamydia. This is sexually transmitted, so the best thing to do is not have any sex. Doctors like this disease because there is a lot of money in curing chlamydia.
8. Texans.
9. Bacon fat. This artery clogger was invented by Francis Bacon who wanted to be remembered for something after everybody quit crediting him with writing Shakespeare's plays.
10. (Tie) Congress, Dubya, gout.

Notice that this is only the Top 10. You also need to worry about No. 11, zebra mussels, and No. 12, bombs.

Do not worry about global warming. It either will, or it won't.

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My favorite word today is huh? N., something missing. Def.: The word used when in examining your notes for your next Internet piece you come across a cryptic abbreviation.