But You're Probably Clueless

Several of my Internet buddies lately have asked their readers questions about themselves. See, they want to figure out if anybody's been paying attention. So Ol' Hoss has figured this is a game two can play, so here are some questions about me. Let's see how well you have committed my previous pieces to memory.

The top prize in this contest is you get to respect me in the morning.

1. How old am I?

A. Real old
B. Older than that
C. One foot in the grave
D. 74 314/365ths

2. What is my chief aim in life?

A. Bedding Hulk Hogan
B. To get through the "10 items" line with 11
C. To shit on a seagull
D. To Make My Pile

3. Where was I born?

A. In the Maudlin family outhouse
B. In Abe Lincoln's outhouse
C. In the Greyhound Bus Station shitter
D. In a house in Bend, Oregon, that soon will be on the Historic Homes list

4. What is my whole name?

A. Asshole

5. What was my main occupation?

A. Shoeing the fisherman
B. Gutting transients
C. Learning to spell opthalmology
D. Scribbler of little repute

6. What is my favorite drink?

A. Boilermaker, with Ovaltine chaser
B. Ovaltine, with Boilermaker chaser

7. Why do I b**g?

A. Because it was there
B. Because it was you
C. To teach little children how to swear
D. Aesop, Ambrose Bierce, Mark Twain and George Carlin were in need of replacement.

That's it. Keep your answers to yourself. Nobody got hurt. Just move along.

+ + + + + + + +

My favorite word today is nirvana. Adj., sweet tooth. Def.: Finding in the back of your child's closet an overlooked Halloween candy bar.