Don't Bury Me Deep on the Lone Prairie

Talk of death occupies a lot of folks in an Old Folks' Home. Not about our own. We only talk about whomever happens to not be in the discussion circle there in the Fireside Room.

Matilda Halfhere said, "Did you have the meatballs yesterday? I bounced one off the floor and it went almost to the ceiling."

Hoss: "Uh, Mattie, we was talkin' about pushin' up daisies."

Matilda: "Old age comes at a bad time."

Unhappily, this energized the House History Freak, Feelgood Haines. You probably remember Feelgood. He has a peculiar spin on every history ever histed.

Feelgood: "Did you know why gunslingers always said to the bad guy, 'You'll be six feet deep by morning.'? Well, a course you don't because you slept through History class. What that means is the bad guy is going to be dead and buried. Now, natcherly, you wanna know, 'Why six feet'?"

Hoss: "Anybody notice whether meatballs is on the menu again tonight?"

Feelgood: "I knew you'd be the first with a question, because you don't seem to know much. The reason is they had themselves the bubonic plague back there in London so the Mayor says, 'Bury them dead suckers six feet deep so the plague don't get the rest of us.' So that's the why of that. Trouble is, the Mayor screwed the gravediggers good and proper, 'cause it was fleas that caused the bubonic. So all that digging was for bullshit."

Hoss: "Did you people notice they're almost done fixing the parking lot?"

Feelgood: "You know some cemeteries has been paved right over? Later on, the six feet deep thing worked out pretty good, what with land shortages and all. They started double-decking the people. One box six feet down left room for another box on top. First two-for-one sale in history."

Hoss: "I think I'm getting a touch of the brain-dead. Anybody know if that's going around again this year?"

Feelgood: "Listen. Down there in California they got a law that says you only gotta cover the casket with 18 inches of dirt and turf. I don't think they're gonna call it to the attention of the Western movie producers, though."

Hoss: "How's that?"

Feelgood: "Think of Alan Ladd sayin, 'Tomorrow, bub, they'll be plantin' you one and a half feet under.'"

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My favorite word today is gag. Adj., get along little stogies. Def.: After a long wait, the only taxi offering a ride is distinguished by the smell of stale cigars.