It's Always Just Right in 'The Home'

It has turned out that there is no place in the United States that is "just right" when it comes to weather. Except here in My Old Folks' Home where we have heat registers and air conditioning and so, of course, it is perfect all the time.

But for you people who have to Go Outside, there is no perfect. Hawaii comes pretty close, but they get rain and tsunamis and lava belches, so there's some demerits right there.

No place in the William Penn and Lewis and Clark country is worth shit year-around. Lots of people from the northern climes go to Arizona in the winter. And they get the hell out of there along about April when the temperature goes up to 120 or so. So there's your Arizona demerits.

Lots of people leave Florida in the summer to go up to Chicago and Dyersburg, Tennesee*, so they can get in on the high humidity. So Florida. chock full of people and alligators, is no paradise, especially when it comes to items like Andrew, Ivan and Charley. Huge demerits for those boys.

You got your people living in Maine in the rain. And the snow. Screw that.

People live in North Dakota and South Dakota where it's either hotter than hell or colder than hell. (How this works is beyond me, but that's the way it is.) People live in Tornado Alley -- Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois -- and get their shit blown around regularly. No thanks.

Ice fishing up in Minnesota and Wisconsin and Michigan. Think of it. It has to be damn cold for those lakes to freeze over. Who needs it? Those people could be in Arizona waiting for a chance to get out of there when it gets hot. Then they could go back to Michigan and enjoy that stupid humidity.

You see how this works? People bounce around to get comfy and first thing they know it's all gone to hell and their balls are sweating or freezing. There is just no happy middle ground for balls.

Pretty soon everybody will be living in an Old Folks' Home where we got as little or as much heat as we need, and all the air conditioning anybody could want so our balls don't sweat.

It would be nice, though, if they could put up a ice fishing pond that we could use in the summer. That would be about perfect.

(* This is for my buddy who has nothing to mow but dead grass, seed pods, dirt and molehills, Poopsie at Poop Happens.)

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My favorite phrase today is never again. Adj., my poor head. Def.: The lie you tell yourself the next morning after a heavy bout of drinking.

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Speaking of balls...